‘Love is what matters’

Dear Malvika,
I am a 16-year-old girl. Up until recently my world was perfect. A week ago ,I found out that I was adopted and now I don’t know what to do. I am shocked, feel hurt and betrayed. Why would my parents hide this from me? When I asked them about this, they told me that I was too small to know the truth and that they were just trying to protect me. Now I feel betrayed by people who have nurtured me. I am really confused and finding it hard to accept the real fact. What should I do?
It’s okay for you to feel the way you do. Having lived your life in a certain way, it must have come as a shock for you to find out that you are adopted.  So give it some time to sink in. At the same time I can understand why your parents hid it from you for such a long time. They must have tried to protect you. It is not easy being a parent. And sometimes we do things to protect our child from being hurt and feeling abandoned. You haven’t mentioned at what age you were adopted, but I am sure you were pretty small if you did not know.  All these years did they make you feel like you were not their child? I am sure not, otherwise you would have figured it out a long time back. They must love you like their own. Sometimes the love we receive from our adopted parents is much more than being born from our biological parents. And that is what counts. You got to live a loved life, and a protected life.  And do not make them feel like they made a bad decision. If at any point if you want to find out who your real parents are, then it is up to you. But it doesn’t mean that you are any different from others who were raised by their biological parents. Love is what matters. There are certain series on the web I watched about children finding out that they were adopted. You should watch them for comfort. If you meet any others who were adopted, reach out to them. Sharing helps a lot in these matters.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 29-year-old woman and have been dating a guy for 5 years now. We are in love with each other and our parents also seem happy with our relationship. The problem is that he recently proposed me to marry him but I don’t know if I want to get married now. Ever since a child I have always been career oriented and my boyfriend is well aware of it. I know I love him and want to get married to him but not right now since I just got a promotion and want to focus more on my job. I feel if I get married now, I might not get the opportunity I have now. How do I explain this to my boyfriend? I fear that this might make him distant from me.

You have been with this person for the last five  years. I am sure there is trust and understanding. Please share with him how you feel. That is very important. Working towards each other’s goals is very important for a relationship. And honesty is very important. Do not get married just because you have to. Ask him to wait for you. Wouldn’t you do the same for him, if he had said so? I am sure you would. Having said that I will also say that marriage should not change who you are and what you want out of life. You can also be married and be career oriented. These two do go hand in hand. You will be able to balance work and family. All that matters is how understanding your relationship is. And you should be able to separate your personal and professional life. Once you do that it is easier to balance work and life. So, have a talk with him and see how it goes, and then decide what you want to do. Good Luck.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 20-year-old man and recently had an intimate encounter with my long time friend .I had never felt this way. Obviously, I have been on dates with girls but I never thought I was attracted to a man as well.  This made me realize that I might be a bisexual and now I don’t know what to do. How do I really know if I am interested in both the genders? How do I explain it my friends and family?

Sometimes unusual encounters are how people find out about their sexuality and you are not alone in this matter. I do know that until and unless you experiment more, one does not know for sure. So explore if you are comfortable and see how the next one goes, and then you will know more. Just thinking and pondering over it does not help. There is no explanation needed at the moment. You need to be sure about yourself first before you go about explaining it to anyone else. During this process the more meddling there is, the more confused you will be. A lot of bisexual men have ended up getting married to women, and vice versa. I believe love knows no gender, age, caste, and the list goes on.  And once you are sure of who you are as a person, then it will be easier for you to share. In the end who you want to spend the rest of your life with is up to you, whether that person is a man or a woman. Just be happy with what you decide.

Dear Malvika,
I am 33-year old married man. I have been married for two and a half years. My wife has been distant from me lately and I don’t know why. Few weeks ago I found her chatting with her ex boyfriend. Although I am not a jealous type of person, I can’t help but think about it. I did ask her about the conversation but she denied that she hadn’t had any contact with him. Why would she lie to me? Is she cheating on me? What should I do to regain our lost connection?

There has to be a reason for the distance. There always is. In the rush of life, we start taking the person for granted who have been staying with, the most. And we do not even realize it at times. Marriage takes a lot of efforts to sustain. Sometimes, the spark goes out of the window when you start living together. We get bogged down by the everyday life, work, pressure, stress, family and what not. That is why, taking holidays, going out on dates, telling each other that you love them on  a daily basis is very important. Compliments, flowers, communication and taking time for each other is very necessary. The romance needs to be kept alive. All is not lost. I am not sure about the kind of relationship both of you share. She must be feeling lonely if she is, as you say she has been chatting with her ex boyfriend. She must be sacred of what you would think and maybe that is why she lied to you. Take her out and make her feel comfortable and be honest about how you feel right now.  More than focusing on the fact that she is at the moment talking to her ex, focus on the fact as to why she is doing that. Make her feel like a queen (your queen), and that you are a special person in her life. She will never feel the need to open up to anyone else after this. 

Malvika Subba is a media 
personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

 
• heart to heart with malvika