It was only after two years, when I was 15 and when I started reading materials beyond my textbooks, that I started becoming familiar with my behavior.[break] Reading articles in newspapers and researching further on the internet, I came to know that I was actually a gay.
It didn´t feel normal. So, I began looking into the possibilities of my being "normal". However, when realized it wasn´t possible, I was really devastated. I began asking myself ´Why me?´
My 9th and 10th grades, apart from studies, were spent on searching for my identity. Realizing that I couldn´t be normal, I fell into a spiral of depression.
I am not the type of person who socializes with everyone. I was close with only my small circle of friends. During the middle of my 11th grade, I developed feelings for a guy in my circle. He was a very outgoing student and used to participate in almost all of the activities the school provided. I used to spend most of my time with him and because he was just an average student, my studies began deteriorating as well.
I couldn´t keep my feelings suppressed for long. At the beginning of the 12th grade, I expressed my liking for him. He, as I expected, was shocked and surprised. However, since we had been close friends, I did not expect him to move away from me and ignore me.
Soon, almost every boy in the hostel came to know about the incident. People started questioning me, about my sexual orientation. Because I was not scared of the consequences, I accepted I was gay. This is when it began to get really hard for me.
While most of my close friends started ignoring me, backbiting me, and looking at me with antagonism, some of my friends started acting over sympathetic. I was in no way appreciated for who I was beyond my sexuality.
Then I began living in solitude. I even felt like leaving school, leaving home and staying alone somewhere where no one knew me. For peace of mind, I used to go out of school alone and have long strolls. My condition would have been better if I was a day scholar. In the hostel, I had little, if any support.
I began losing concentration on my studies. I used to be in my own world during classes and never used to answer when teachers asked questions. Irritated by my behavior, teachers complained to my parents of how disrespectful and inattentive I was. My parents, who had never before been complained about, were concerned and disappointed to hear such comments about me.
My grades plummeted day by day. Not only that, I didn´t even get to participate in extra curricular activities. In all the activities I was interested in, the boy I liked was involved. He was very popular in the school and the juniors and his friends used to look up to him with respect. However, since the incident, even he began losing respect. Whenever, I used to be near him, his friends used to tease him. Hence, he never wanted me around. Sadly, he sometimes even used to beat me up.
I was always on the sidelines. I used to move away from all sorts of group activity in which he was involved. And because he used to be very active and participate in almost all of the activities, there were almost none left for me to participate in.
By now, I was suffering gravely from depression and I knew I needed my friends more than anything. However, even my closest friends deserted me.
At night time, my roommates´ random acquaintances used to come to the room just to say ´hi´. However, later my roommates told me that actually their only intention was to see what a gay person looks like. I began being treated like a rare species found in the likes of a zoo - a complete freak of nature!
To divert my mind from all this, I began reading novels and writing a diary. There was plenty to write about. I also began doing my assignments and reading textbooks. Books were my only friends then.
When exams arrived, to my teacher´s surprise, I did very well. Teachers began noticing and recognizing me. I began realizing that studies were something I could be good at.
These two years winnowed my friends. I found out who my real friends were. I developed strong bonds with these friends and we are still close today. We even joke around. Whenever they talk about girls, I interrupt and pass a comment about how hot a girl is; they tease me with ´Look who´s talking!´
There is usually a conception that Nepal is a gay-friendly country. However, even though it is legal to be gay, the society still has not been able to accept it and it´s difficult to come out of the closet. I am worried that if my family comes to know, they will be disappointed. I will not marry and I am thinking of telling my parents then.
Now, I am simply trying to lead a normal life. There are many gay networking sites and through it, I have been able to meet many like me. Talking with them makes me feel better and gives me the sense that I am not alone.
Of all my experiences, the one thing I have realized is that one needs to be strong enough to accept who we are, not matter how hard it is. When one can be comfortable with one self, then it really doesn´t matter what others think.
(As told to Abhishek Dev)
(The author is a student who just finished his high school in Kathmandu and set to leave for the United States for further studies. Name of the author has been changed upon request to protect privacy.)
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