Constitution Day Special (Humor)

A Letter to the Constitution of Nepal, 2015

Published On: September 20, 2023 10:00 AM NPT By: Akhilesh Tripathi

Dear 2015 Constitution,

It’s your ninth birthday today. And the people who whipped you up eight years ago have decided to throw you a shindig. Get ready for the extravaganza! They've got "grand" programs loaded with political speeches that are essentially just verbal fireworks, and they're happening in every district HQ today. They're singing your praises, and I bet you're just swelling with pride, huh? But hold your constitutional horses! These folks would throw a party for anything – even your older cousin, the Constitution of 1990, which they hailed as "the world's best constitution" faster than you can say "political flip-flop."

Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday – or rather, like it's today, because they did this every year. Those 1990 Constitution crafters didn't waste a second before crowning it the king of constitutions, and look how that turned out – straight into the dusty dustbin after just a decade and a half! So, my dear 2015 Constitution, please keep that in mind as you bask in your birthday glow. It's a lesson in the fine art of political hype and the fickle and transient nature of praise.

I know dear 2015 Constitution that you're quite the odd duck in the family, aren't you? I mean, you're fundamentally different from all your predecessors, but let's be real here, being different doesn't automatically mean you're the cream of the constitutional crop. You've got some big shoes to fill to prove you're more "special" than your older cousins.

Your arrival on the scene was no small feat, I must admit. While your older siblings were born on the blood, sweat, and tears of a few dozen folks, you came into this world after a staggering 17,000 or possibly more people laid down their lives, and national property worth hundreds of billions of rupees, no less, was sabotaged! Some folks even whisper that the royal palace massacre of 2001 was all part of a grand plan to pave the way for your grand entrance a few years later. Now, I can't say for sure, but it does sound like there might be a hint of truth in that juicy conspiracy theory. After all, a lot of people seem to believe that your birth would not have been possible without the royal palace massacre. So, keep that in mind, dear Constitution, as you bask in your "special" status!

Dear Constitution, you certainly made quite the entrance, didn't you? It's not every day one witnesses a birth that involves thousands of lives, not one but two constituent assemblies (they couldn't make up their minds the first time, huh?), a whopping eight years of labor, and billions of rupees. Your creators, bless their hearts, were convinced that your arrival heralded the dawn of a golden era, painting a picture of a bright and shiny future for all to see. Almost everyone bought into this fairy tale and tried their darndest to forget the messy, blood-soaked background of your birth.

But here's the kicker, eight years in, and that golden dream? Yeah, it's playing hide and seek somewhere because we sure can't find it! In fact, things seem to have gone from bad to worse. Corruption? Oh, it's flourishing like a weed in a neglected garden. Scams and scandals? We've got more of those than a soap opera on steroids. And smuggling? Well, let's just say it's become a national sport!

But that's not all! People are so desperate to escape this constitutional rollercoaster that they're fleeing the country in droves, searching for greener pastures abroad. And guess what? Your creators are getting in on the action, sending Nepali folks abroad as fake refugees. So, dear Constitution, as you celebrate your eighth year of existence, I hope you're proud of the legacy you've created. It's like a sitcom, but nobody's laughing!  

Well, dear Constitution, let's have a hearty laugh about the past eight years since your grand debut. It seems that one of your fancy arms, federalism, is like that extravagant purchase that looked amazing in the store but has turned out to be a never-ending financial sinkhole for the poor Nepalis. I mean, really, it's gotten so bad that the government can't even raise enough revenue to pay the salaries and allowances of its employees, including the hundreds of parliamentarians and dozens of ministers you have prescribed.

And secularism, your other arm, has been quite the act. It's as if you've been juggling flaming torches in a fireworks factory. You see, it's increasingly seen as a bit of a slap in the face to the followers of Sanatan Dharma, who make up over 90 percent of our population. Instead of promoting religious tolerance and unity among our ethnically-diverse folks, it's been accused of stirring up a religious stewpot of strife and disharmony. When I say this, I hope you have taken note of what recently happened in Dharan and Sarlahi! Your secular arm is really giving us a lesson in how not to play with fire in a room full of explosives!

Now, your soul, republicanism, is taking quite a nosedive in the respect department. Many people, it seems, have started missing the “good old days” of having just one real King! I mean, who needs hundreds of fake, petty kings (referring to the federal, provincial, and local rulers of the present time, as provisioned by you) when you could have a genuine monarch to at least keep things interesting? It's like going from a chaotic circus to a never-ending magic show, where the disappearing act is the public's respect for you. The number of people who think this way has been growing alarmingly. So, dear Constitution, can we expect you to keep juggling those arms and soul of yours, because it's quite the comedic performance we've got going on here!

At last, as the nation celebrates your ninth birthday, dear 2015 Constitution, it is hard not to ponder the possibility of history repeating itself, mirroring the fate that befell the 1990 Constitution. Though crafted with great expectations, your journey thus far has been fraught with challenges and controversies. The echoes of the past remind us that even seemingly unshakable institutions can falter, and the lessons of the 1990 Constitution's eventual demise serve as a stark reminder that the path ahead may be uncertain.

I hope you understand the gravity of the situation!


A well-wisher

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