My boyfriend is almost too comfortable with his friend's girlfriend and I don't like it at all. He tells me that he's friendly to her so as not to make his friend feel bad, and that he actually doesn't like her that much. I don't understand why he should pretend. His friend is not that "friendly" to me, but I don't mind that. We're in a long distance relationship and I have seen photos of the girl and my boyfriend going out and taking selfies, without my boyfriend's friend in sight. When asked, he says his friend was too busy to go out with them. Recently, he even told me that the girl is in fact a wonderful person. Is it reasonable enough for me to feel insecure and jealous? I have intense disliking for that girl without even knowing her. Am I going crazy?
--NimaThings appear to be a certain way on the surface and that might or might not tell the whole truth. Sometimes, our emotions overpower us to the extent that we cannot see all the signs. We believe what we see but we are so deluded and emotionally entangled that truth is far from our reaching. Thus, with emotions constantly overpowering us, to see things as they really are is one of the biggest challenges of life.
I do not fully understand how long distance relationships survive for as long as it does. It probably is some heavenly power or humanly madness that love continues to grow in the heart and mind of two people. Otherwise, I often see love as a seed and relationship as the plant that grows from that seed, eventually rewarding the lovers with flowers and fragrances. Falling in love is a mystery, but there is nothing mysterious about how relationships grow. Relationships grow when two people hold hands and stroll around the same street a million times, when one sips from the other's cup in an attempt to feel more intimate, when one finds silly reasons to touch the other person. Relationships grow when two people can't seem to stop sharing every detail of their present and past till the ungodly hours of the night. When one is low and the other is there to comfort, when one can look deep into the other's eye and understand everything without words, when one's touch fills the other with the warmth of life, the seed of love begins to grow to its fuller potential. Otherwise, the seed may be strong and resilient, but its potential remains buried deep into the soil of our unfulfilled desires.
So the most important question my love, may or may not be about what is going between your boyfriend and his friend's girlfriend. The question is, what is going between you and your boyfriend. Despite the constraints of long distance relationship, is the seed of your love firm, growing and flourishing with your desires fulfilled? Or is the distance suffocating your desire to feel free, to feel alive, and to find love that can actually grow outside your virtual reality?
I believe in true love that can stand through the test of time and distance. But most often, lovers think that they are upholding their true love when they are just carrying around a corpse with an unwillingness to let go. People want to believe in true love so badly, that they want to "make it work" when there is absolutely nothing left to salvage.
Your instincts could be right in this regard. But when we only feel insecure about someone else, it has to do with our own relationships faltering. Maybe it is time to step back and reflect where you and your boyfriend stand in terms of taking this relationship forward. Maybe it is time to have a good conversation about what you "really" feel, what you regret, what you miss, what you wish and what you hope. Most often we seek honesty in our relationships when we can't be honest to each other and ourselves.
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Dear Swastika,
Is it okay to flirt online with an unknown person despite being in a steady relationship? Every time I do it, I feel guilty and wonder what my girlfriend would think if she comes to know of this, but I enjoy it so much I can't put an end to it. I find it extremely exciting, and the girl I talk to always has interesting things to say. My girlfriend doesn't like chatting that much, so when I feel lonely in the night, this girl is always available online.
--Always Online
It is very human to be in the state of contradiction—between desire for stability and excitement, security and adventure, or comfort and risk. Deep within, these conflicts probably exist in each person. Yet, the degree to which these contrasting values stand against each other might be different. Some people desire for safety, stability and comfort so much that they are willing to let go of anything that is going to put these values at stake. Some value adventure and excitement with so much clarity that they are just not attracted to a life of certainty and predictability. Conflict begins when you value, need and desire the two extremes equally and want both at the same time.
A relationship cannot be both stable and adventurous at the same time. Your current relationship, in your own term is "steady." The other is exciting. I'm not a moral police to say whether what you are doing is right or wrong. Before you get to the question of whether you are being dishonest to your girlfriend, it is important to ask if you are being honest to yourself. Is your relationship really steady? Is this the kind of relationship you think you'd be content with without feeling the need for another person to address other aspects that you desire from a relationship? Are you worried of losing your girlfriend if she were to find out about your transgression or are you just worried that you can't confront your girlfriend about love that has passed away? Is this "unknown" person just a temporary phase that is going to pass away with time, or are you overpowered with the desire to know this person and fancy the idea of a longer term relationship? Are you happy in your current relationship or are you clinging to the "idea" of being steady? I guess you will be thinking a lot tonight (smiles).
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