My shyness is the bane of my existence. Whenever I meet new people, I'm almost paralyzed with self-consciousness and I feel extremely shy to say anything. It's not that bad if it's just one person. Then I can even approach him/her and try to initiate a conversation. I'm worried about this because I'm about to join a new office in a month's time and I'm extremely worried. People always assume I'm unfriendly because of my inability to talk to them. I feel awkward even to smile at new people. What's wrong with me? It took me a long time to make friends at my present job and I wish I could take them all with me. Is there anything I can do to overcome this? I feel quite miserable.
--Kiran
There are lots of researches going on to understand "shyness." There are theories that say shyness is a learned behavior that is a result of some maladaptation to certain situation developed in childhood. Another theory roots it to "shy" genes that are coded in the DNA of some people. Similarly, there are many theories on the probable causes of shy behavior. One theory is that shyness is rooted in the constant fear of being judged and evaluated by people, thus leading to excessive self-consciousness.
By no way does it mean that shy people can't succeed in life and know that it can be overcome or at least managed. Shy people can be great leaders as they gradually overcome fears of addressing masses, managing people, and networking. Lots of Hollywood stars share how shy they were and how they gradually overcame it. Even people, who aren't typically shy, can "shy away" from certain things. Some shy away from talking about their personal lives, some shy away from networking with people, some might shy away from addressing masses of people, and some shy away from facing camera. However, when shyness gets to a point that causes anxiety and disrupts your day-to-day life, which seems to be your case, it is a disorder that needs to be addressed more carefully.
In your case, it does seem like your shyness and self-consciousness might be caused by excessive fear of being evaluated, of being embarrassed by saying or doing something that is seen by others as offensive, juvenile or of "lower standards" of intellectual ability or pertaining to a "lower class." Maybe you developed this behavior gradually or were just always like that. But regardless, the solution might be to gradually train yourself out of it. One way to start may be to do small "low risk" actions that break social norms.
For example, when taking notes, start everyday on a random page instead of going on a sequence. Write from bottom and move upwards. Maybe you can pair up different colored socks every day. Give up wearing a watch and then ask time to 10 strangers every day. You can gradually vow to smile at 10 strangers every day. Even if these strangers judge you and evaluate you, you won't have to see them ever again. Once you feel this is working and you're building your self-confidence, write to me again and ask for next steps (smiles). Also, there are lots of resources on Internet on exercises that help overcome shyness.
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Dear Swastika,
I'm 15 years old and study at a reputable school that I absolutely love. I enjoy studying and learning new things everyday. I'm a good student; I understand what my teachers teach and I'm also in their good books. I have no problems whatsoever in the family, either. My parents have worked hard enough to get where they are today and I understand their struggle. I respect them a lot. But the thing is, I've changed since last year. I used to get good grades earlier and my parents were happy about it. But last year, I failed in an important subject and well, I felt pretty low. I doubted myself and couldn't face my parents as I'd failed them, too. I'd never seen my mother that angry and worried. In fact, she even verbally abused me to such an extent, I cannot explain. I understand I needed that then. Now, a year later, I'm in Class 10 and the SLC is nearing. We had our exams and trust me, I put in a lot of effort in it. Putting aside everything else, I studied till late hours. But I only scored slightly higher than last year. I'd promised my parents that I'd do well this final time, and that promise looks so futile now. I haven't told them anything and I seriously have no idea how to break this to them. My ultimate goal is to do really well in SLC. But how do I make them understand that I'm really working hard, and that this exam won't determine my future? They're very serious and honestly, their reactions scare the daylight out of me and depress me. I don't know what to do. Please help me.
--Worried
I remember someone I know who was extremely upset when she found out that her second child was also going to be a son. She wrote to me saying, "I was hoping that I would have a daughter so that I could re-live my life again in a way I couldn't before." To me, this was a realization of how the desire to "re-live" through the lives of children is subtle in the minds of perhaps many parents. People look to "correct" the mistakes of their own childhood and "fulfill" their desires through the lives of their children.
I remember a woman who really aspired to be a doctor. However, her parents, not financially supportive of her education, instead poured all their investment in her brother. She got married at a relatively younger age and had a daughter. She then became obsessed about making sure that her daughter became a doctor while her daughter suffered greatly to negotiate between her own interest and the dreams of her mother.
The reason I'm telling you all this is to make a point that sometimes our parent's neurosis has nothing to do with our life and us. It is their own fears, sense of lacking fulfillment, and insecurity that get expressed. If we allow are parents to affect our lives, make their fears our own, then we get caught up in the vicious cycle of neurosis and become what our parents are; subsequently transferring this neurosis to each new generation.
By no means do I mean that education and good grades aren't that important. I'm saying there's a healthier way to success. The fear that has been etched into your consciousness is like a hole in the pit you keep pouring your efforts into. Your success might no longer be proportionate to the efforts you're making. The first and foremost thing is to overcome your fears and allow yourself to heal. Reflect on your parent's neurosis; understand their stories, their history, and where the fears are coming from. Talk to friends, teachers, or people you trust about your inability to overcome this fear. On a day where the sun is sunny, ask your parents about their ideas with success, their obsession with SLC, and how they think you can do better. Fix the hole in the pit first; you know how to fill the vessel.
Coping with anxiety disorder in children
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
