One evening, I logged onto Facebook to see what my friends were up to. Facebooking has become a customary thing to stay connected with friends, relatives and acquaintances. As I read my newsfeed, a particular status caught my attention: 'My friend's boyfriend is gay. Should I tell her?' I froze momentarily when I saw this update. My first thought: Isn't this offensive? How can you question someone's sexuality and bring into public sphere matters of individual choice? On second thought, and giving the person who wrote it benefit of doubt and taking into account the inadequate awareness we have in matters relating to sexuality, I asked myself: If someone asks this question with genuine intent of helping his friend, what should the response be?The first question that I asked my friend who had taken to Facebook for advice was how he came to know about his friend's boyfriend's sexual orientation. I couldn't stop thinking about it until he responded a few days later apologizing for the post and sharing his account had been hacked and someone else had posted that. The matter ended there but the question remained with me, unanswered: My friend 's boyfriend is gay. Should I tell her?
Organizations working with sexual and gender minorities have social sensitization in their working agenda and use various media as tools. But I feel the sensitivity of this issue requires more attention and careful dealing than just a few posts to encourage discussions; how a sexual minority would react to a status like this piques me. I ended up discussing the issue with my friends. My understanding may not include how LGBT community toils in their daily life, but I did get some interesting points through discussions with friends.
It is not the responsibility nor is it advisable for a second person to determine one person's sexuality. Telling the girlfriend that her boyfriend is gay may result in confrontation; they will be unprepared to deal with this and we never know the consequences. It might even be detrimental to both parties involved. There is also a chance that the boyfriend could be bisexual and in that case it could be a matter of commitment and being faithful. It is also possible that the guy is unclear about his sexuality, as often happens, and in that case he needs help. It will be better to reach out to the boyfriend because he should step forward and if he is serious about the relationship, should gain trust and confidence of his girlfriend.
Indicative confrontation might help, for example, giving a situational suggestion: What if someone's boyfriend or girlfriend is homosexual? Telling the girlfriend a story that happened to another friend and explaining how it is bad for both the partners unless they are honest to each other is advisable.
Another thought that came to me was if my friend who posted this on Facebook was assuming that his female friend and her boyfriend were trying to enter a socially "normated" heterosexual relationship. If she is looking for one and is being treated unfairly by the guy she loves by not sharing his sexual orientation, the question might be relevant. But again the larger question is: Is it okay to assume things about people? Does it not amount to being judgmental or discriminatory, in particular to the sexual and gender minorities?
Another situation embedded in such a relationship is homophobic culture. Such culture and its repercussion on LGBT community is perhaps the reason why the boyfriend remained discreet and entered into relationship with a girl to shield his sexual identity. So this case amounts to mushrooming of such possibility where the homophobic culture multiplies the complexity affecting everyone. For people in relationship, it creates a space for infidelity stealthily, and can jeopardize both the partners' well-being.
On December 21st, 2007 the Supreme Court of Nepal ruled that the new democratic government must create laws to protect the rights of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex (LGBTI) community, and change existing laws that are tantamount to discrimination. Centera (2014) in 'Nepal's Third Gender' shares that the legal benchmark has self-determination as the sole criterion to identify one's gender.
But only a handful of people have so far been given citizenship cards with the new identity. Nepali local and district administrations still request proof to certify one's gender, while the central government only issues citizenship cards with the 'third category' to new applicants. The Supreme Court urged the government not only to include a third category in citizenship cards, but also to scrap all discriminatory laws against sexual minorities and to form a committee to study same-sex marriage.
On September 20th this year, Nepal promulgated a constitution, which stands as the first national constitution in Asia—and only the third in the world after South Africa (1996) and Ecuador (1998)—to include explicit rights and protections for LGBTI people. This is an important development for all citizens and a remarkable victory for the sexual and gender minorities but the struggle does not end here. I urge the readers of this article to be aware about their own thought processes with regard to gender and sexual minorities.
Sensitivity and openness to them and their issues might be the biggest help we can offer in establishing the long-desired "non-discrimination" and "equality for all". As with all rights, it important that they are translated in everyday life and not merely established in constitution. Equality for them should extend to privileges enjoyed by heterosexual people in the realm of work, access to social security, medical benefits, political participation, and promoting the diverse identities within the LGBTI community.
The author is an Erasmus Mundus scholar specializing in families and children issues
dahalsanjeev@gmail.com
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