Your friends start getting married and having kids. You might as well get married and have kids. Gradually your ‘do what you love’ philosophy is replaced by ‘do what pays the bills’. You question your life’s choices. You try to make changes, or are too afraid to make one. You’re constantly stressed out and are no longer sure what you want from life. The real world the adults warned you about have hit you square on the face, and every once in a while you sigh “Life is hard!”
If you relate to what you’ve just read, you’re going through what experts call ‘quarter life crisis’. Dr Rojina Manandhar, psychologist and clinical hypnotherapist at Norvic International Hospital, Thapathali, says that it is natural to feel anxious over the direction and quality of one’s life during mid 20s to mid 30s. “Young adults are vulnerable to this stress because this is the time when most things happen – you’ve to choose a career which will earn you a living, start a family, embrace responsibility, and make new adjustments with life. All of these things happening simultaneously evoke conflict in your mind. This phenomenon is termed quarter life crisis,” she explains.
Although quarter life crisis did hit young adults earlier, this has become a huge phenomenon today thanks to the world getting smaller and the competition ever so tough. “They are under constant pressure of building a ‘successful’ life,” she observes, “Take young women for example – they have become ambitious like never before. Earlier, most women got married in their early 20s and quietly played the role of homemakers. Today, they want to realize their dreams even as they want to keep a home. Until they find the right balance, they are continually anxious about their lives.”
Suman Lamichhane, 26, went abroad for his postgraduate studies two years back. His initial plan was to study for two years, come back to Nepal and build his career. “I’m still studying while my friends back in Nepal have already achieved so much career-wise. Also, they are getting married while I am in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend constantly says she wants to settle down, and I can’t ignore my parents’ expectations of financially assisting them,” he says. He confesses feeling caught between wanting to complete his education, starting a family and becoming financially secure. “I feel enslaved by the situation and I’m no longer positive about life as I used to be in my early 20s,” he shares.
Similar is the story of Swikriti Rai, 28, who quit her postgraduate studies to assist her family’s handicrafts business. She dreamt of becoming a successful banker, but as the business expanded and her (uneducated) parents weren’t able to handle it, Swikriti took charge. “I tried to study side by side, but it was just too tedious. I have given up on my dream because people of my age have already more or less established themselves. I can’t start from scratch now. Soon I will have to get married and make new adjustments. I think it’s wise to continue with the business which I’ve been handling ever since I learned basic mathematics,” she explains. With siblings much younger than her, Swikriti admits feeling ‘angry’ at her fate. “I know I am not being fair to myself, but do I have a choice?” she questions.
Also, increasing divorce rates, inflation and fierce competition in the job market are factors that have triggered anxiety in young adults. “They seek help with relationship issues, depression, psychosomatic pain, irritation, excessive anger, adjustment problems and career confusion. Of course this is a phase like adolescence that will eventually pass, but if the stress is seriously getting in your way, often affecting you physically and mentally, you have to seek professional help,” Dr Manandhar suggests.
Psychiatrist Dr Deep Prakash Malla offers likewise. “One is bound to be confused and anxious regarding life’s choices. But you shouldn’t let confusion and anxiety dictate your life,” he says. “A friend of mine spent more than half his youth studying – 6 years MBBS, 3 years MD and another 3 years of a specialty training. When he finally started working, he couldn’t accept the fact that even after investing all those years in education, what he finally earned wasn’t even enough to pay off the loans. He had difficulty taking responsibility for his own life and blamed his parents for not preparing him to face the real world. He went into severe depression, and was only able to get out of it through medication,” he shares.
However, there are some young adults coping fairly well with the crisis. Sajnaa Dangol, 25, admits being a little apprehensive about entering the ‘real’ world, but is confident that her ‘give your best but prepare for the worst’ attitude will help her deal with the blows of life. “I am busy balancing work and studies, but I make sure I learn something new everyday, and I celebrate what life has to offer. I am doing MBA after getting my Bachelor’s degree in Engineering – just like I had wanted. I guess being certain of what one wants in life does help. Plus my supportive family and steady relationship with my boyfriend always boost my confidence,” she says.
And apparently that is what you should be doing. Dr Manandhar concludes, “Sharing problems with friends, acknowledging your feelings, deciding what you want from life, trying new things, recognizing your achievements and most of all, believing in yourself, are keys to successfully dealing with the quarter life crisis.”
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