(Having and not having your husband makes a huge difference in how you are perceived in society.)
“Ujyalo luga lagayo bhane hera hera poi khane randi ayo bhanchan.”
(If I wear bright clothes, they say here comes the whore who killed her husband.)[break]
“Gaun ghar ra sahar bhannu bekar raicha. Hune khane pariwar ma ta jhanai garo hudo raicha.”
(Its useless to think things are better in the city than the village. Things are even more difficult in well off families.)
“Kaam garera khana pani garo. Ali dhilo ghar ayo bhane ta kura kaha bata kaha pugcha- arko sanga hidyo bhanchan.”
[Its difficult to even earn a living and survive. People start talking if you come home late. Accuse you of seeing other men.]
“Dui char sabda sahera timro ke bigrincha? Sahanu nai ramro ho- chori ko jaat le sahanu parcha bhanchan.”
[They say- no harm tolerating a few harsh words. Women folk must learn to tolerate such things. ]
“Maiti basna gayo bhane sarai dar hudo raicha- kasle ke po bhanne ho. Ama bau lai naramro bhaneko sunnu bhanda baru je jasto ho afai dukha garera basnu jati ho.”
[I am too scared to go live with my parents. People will talk. I’d rather struggle and live on my own than listen to people speak ill of my parents.]
“Kei bhanyo bhane chori janne bhako ramro hudaina- pothi pani bascha? Chup lagera bas bhanchan.”
[If I speak up, they tell me to shut up. Daughters should not speak they say. After all, hens don’t crow.]
“Yesto (kurta suruwal) lagayera hidyo bhane ta dankini bhanchan.”
[They call me names if I don’t wear a sari-if I wear a kurta suruwal]
“Poi ko thau ma ma mareko bhaye mero chora chori haru alapatra hunthe- sauta lyauthe.”
[If I had died in my husband’s place, my children would have been helpless. He would have gotten a second wife.]
These are the voices of many women who have lost their husbands. They choose to identify as ekal mahila (single women), instead of submitting to the stigma attached to being a ‘widow’. Some of them have lost their husbands to natural causes, others to politics. Some are separated or divorced and others have had husbands gone missing.
Often shunned by family and society, these women face desperate struggles. But brave and defiant; they have come forward here to share their stories of resilience.
Rekha Subedi, 30, Dhangadi
I could not go to school when I was young. My parents were very poor. I got married at 14. He had already lost both his parents. He worked at a brick kiln. We were working like dogs to make a living, raise our sons. But they came to the house one day, and dragged him off. They killed him. There was another man in the village named Ram Prasad Subedi. Later the villagers told me that they were actually after the other guy, and mistook my husband for him. I could not live in the village any longer.
I was beginning to go crazy. I came to Kathmandu, willing to wash dishes to earn a living. Last year I went home for Dasain and saw one of the men who took my husband. He has a big shop on the main road these days. Now I don’t like going back to my village for festivals. I will live here in the city now.
My elder son has a scholarship and lives in Pokhara. The younger one is with me. I wish I could have both my children with me, but I can’t feed them both so for now this is how it shall have to be.
Rita Bista, 25, Macche Gaon
“I was doing my Bachelors in Business studies at Padma Kanya Campus when I got married. I could not continue after I had the baby. My mother in law did not like me from the very beginning. She would treat me badly and say nasty things about my parents. It was a dowry issue I think- she felt I did not bring enough with me.
After a while, my husband stopped talking to me; he starting hitting me for no reason. Eventually, things got so bad, I left. I hear he has remarried. I have been living with my parents for several years, but now things are getting difficult. The neighbors talk. I know I will have to leave soon. I will go and find work.”
Mandira Maharjan, 44, Kirtipur
Its been more than 15 years since my husband left. He used to call once in a while at the beginning. He told me I should send the children to school. But he never told me where he was, why he left. The early days were really bad- I used to get sick with worry. My sister took me in for a while.
I did not have the courage to live on my own. My in-laws have been asking me to sign some papers. I can’t read, but I imagine they are trying to make me give up the property I am entitled to. They know the ward secretary and he tried to threaten me. I still have not signed. Why should I?
Lila Rai, 27, Panauti
I felt completely alone when he died. Like I had no one left to call my own in this world. His family began to make life miserable. People started talking. My father called me back home, and told me he would build me a house. But they say a married daughter should not return to her parents.
My father-in-law always challenged me- he wanted to see me shrivel up and die. I did not want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me go back to my parents. I told myself I would rather beg to survive.
Things got very very difficult- I got very sick. And I had no food to feed my child. Now, I am learning how to sew. I need to find some way to earn a living. I will not starve for ever.
Srijana Shrestha, 35, Kirtipur
“My husband was the Nepali Congress Kirtipur Jilla Sawapati. One evening, a group of men came into our living room and shot him dead. I was in the back room with our two children; when I rushed to see what had happened, the room was full of smoke and the men had fled, firing more shots so I could not chase them. It was a political act, I know it.
It took me two years to collect the compensation that was promised to conflict affected families. Meanwhile, I really struggled.
The scholarships that were promised to my children took four years to be processed. I was sent back and forth between the Peace and Reconstruction Ministry, the CDO and the Rahat commission- they blamed the delays on errors in data collection, misplaced files, changed policies every time a new official or political party came to power, so on and so forth. Compared to many cases, mine was a high profile one- Girija babu visited me at my home- yet it has been almost impossible to communicate with authorities.
I cannot imagine what has happened to other women who have been les aggressive.”
Related story
Mahila Sanjal, Dharan launches signature campaign against impea...
