Author Emily Nagoski says that for years women have suffered because they've been treated as though they have the same sexual desire as men. She has compiled and studied research from all over the world into women's sex issues, including recent research into the 'pink pill', or the female Viagra. And the reason it hasn't been as easy to make a sex pill for women is that there isn't the same one-size-fits-all solution as there is with men. "The frustrating reality is we've been told the wrong story. For a long, long time in Western science and medicine, women's sexuality was viewed as the same as men's, but just not quite as good," she says. But thanks to her research, she adds, "No matter where you are in your sexual journey, whether you have an awesome sex life and want to expand the awesomeness, or if you're struggling and want to find solutions, you will learn something that will improve your sex life."
Here are her tips for women to create a better sex life...
Work out what type of person you are
Check yourself out properly. No two women are the same. Only 15% of women always want sex out of the blue and 30% only begin to want sex when something sexy is happening like kissing, being touched or watching something erotic. The rest have a combination of the two. Which are you?
Get healthy
The better you feel about yourself, the more ready you are to enjoy great sex. Anxiety reduces sex enjoyment in up to 90% of both women and men.
Discover your erotic cues
If it's watching porn, other people having sex or talking dirty, find out what pushes your buttons.
Accept yourself for who you are
Only 30% of women reach climax through sex. The other 70% might reach that point through lots of other ways. That's normal.
Make sure the moment matches your mood
Context is everything. If your partner tickles you when you're turned on, it's fun. When he does it when you're angry, it's just irritating. And sometimes, just because you look turned on doesn't mean you are.
Get the formula right
For most people, the best context for sex is low stress plus being highly affectionate plus being explicitly erotic.
Make it meaningful
Sex bringing you closer to your partner advances the plot, as opposed to gratuitous sex.
Ignore books and movies like Fifty Shades of Grey
Kinky Christian Grey might think meek Anastasia is enjoying herself, but because he doesn't ask her, Emily says, "I wanted to spank him, and not in the sexy way."
Reject the idea of a sex drive
There's no such thing, so don't feel bad if you thought you had a 'low' or 'high' drive. Instead it's about what entices you, so stay curious.
Change the way you think
We all grew up hearing contradictory messages about sex. That's normal. The more aware you are of those contradictory messages, the more choice you have.
Let go of self-criticism
When you stop beating yourself up, you begin to heal and then grow like never before.
Love yourself no matter your size
Your health is not predicted by your weight. You can be healthy — and beautiful — regardless of size. When you enjoy living in your body today, your sex life gets better.
Don't be afraid to say how you feel
With men, there's a 50% overlap between feeling mentally turned on and physically stimulated. But with women, there's only a 10% overlap. If you are truly aroused, tell your partner, don't make him guess.
Mix it up
To increase sexual desire in a relationship, increase novelty, pleasure, ambiguity and intensity. Increase your heart rate!
Let yourself go
Your brain has 'brakes' that respond to 'potential threats' — anything from STDs and unwanted pregnancy to relationship issues or social reputation. Learn to trust your partner, release the brakes and abandon control.
Pay attention
Taking a few minutes each day to let your mind wander is an effective way of decoupling the brakes that hinders a good experience and accentuating the accelerators to a better sex life.
Believe in yourself
The most important thing you can do is to welcome your sexuality as it is — even if it's not what you wanted or expected.
Tips for men
Make her feel desired: Work on your 'game' and approach her in a way that makes her feel special.
Accept her as she is: Women want an attractive partner who respects them.
Be highly affectionate: Don't just focus on the erogenous zones, appreciate her whole body.
Talk to her: Don't just assume she's turned on, ask her if she's enjoying it.
Be explicitly erotic: Women fantasise about losing control, but gain her trust and remember — context is everything.
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