Things men wish women knew

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Whoever came up with this idea was probably abducted by aliens or dropped out of school before completing his PhD in Astronomy. If John Gray had instead taken an interest in gastronomy and had spent a month in Nepal, then he would have come up with a different title for his book on relationship. It would probably be ‘Men are like open momos and Women are like chat-patey’.



We men will eat anything, especially if we are drinking, while women are more worried about clean plates and the ambience. Women are mysterious and their mood changes according to the moon cycles. We men are an open book and our mood changes whenever our favorite English Premier League club loses to some minnows.[break]



Women love to shop. If a woman tells you that she is not into shopping, then she is faking it. There are many other things women love to fake and we men always fall for it. Women should go shopping with their girlfriends and not drag their boyfriends or husbands along. If a man tells a woman that he enjoys helping her with her shopping adventures, then he is faking it big time.



And the dress may not fit perfectly but we will smile and nod in approval even though we have other important things in our minds. No, we are not worried about the Amrikans and the Brits bombing Syria. We are more worried about Mailee aka Miley Cyrus and her twerking nataks.



Women should also realize that not all of us men have a degree in Philosophy and when it comes to talking about our existence and the world, our mantra is ‘shit happens.’ We do not like to go deep and figure out why it happened and what the butterfly effect would be after it happened.



Women expect us to profess our love to them at any hour, every hour. We, men believe that ‘I Love You’ should be more than enough but women want to know how much we love them. And if they are not happy with our answers then they ask us why we love them. And if they are not still satisfied then they will ask us where and when we fell in love with them. If we had answers to all of the questions women ask then we would be giving sermons to millions of followers like them crazy God-men while making billions on the side.



Women are allowed to call us at 3 am in the morning if they are having trouble sleeping. They will not tell us what is on their mind but expect us to know it. We are not psychic or else we would be making a bundle with a parrot and some Tarot cards at Ratna Park. And then when she is feeling sleepy after an hour of philosophical talk which only she understands, she abruptly ends the early morning counseling session with a cold ‘I am tired, I need to sleep, good night.’



But you must always end it with ‘I love you’ and if you don’t then you will get a call after an hour. Then please be prepared to come up with a good explanation on how you forgot to profess your love to her. If you fail to convince her that you are her knight in shining armor then it’s best to talk about the Theory of Relatively so that she will be distracted. Spend your free time Googling abstract theories and useless facts so that she will always think that you can always be one step ahead when it comes to proving who is smarter.



Women want to talk even if it means walking straight into a puddle. We men want to cuddle even when taking a walk. The difference is that we can still talk when smooching, cuddling or necking while women need full concentration and need a space of at least three feet during the ‘talk’ time.[break]



Women are never satisfied with a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answers. They want answers in exactly 500 words. And yes, they keep a count as well. If you are below the word limit then you are accused of not being serious about the relationship. If you cross the limit then you are accused of talking gibberish. And no, the puppy look and ‘give me a kiss’ expression will not help at all.



But when women order us to ‘kiss’ them in front of your house then you have barely a second to take the offer. If you start using your brain to think and take a minute to figure out if she is really serious then it’s all over. Trying to kiss her later will result in being accused of harassment and then she will walk away and send you a SMS telling you that it’s time to take a hike.



Women should understand that we men don’t like to shop except for a few metrosexuals. Women should not attempt to kill our brain cells by asking us questions even God would have a hard time comprehending. At the end of the day, we ask for patience and tolerance. Be patient with us and tolerate our quirks because we seek a long-term stable relationship instead of a quick-fix romance that ends up with a breakup SMS.



The writer is a

desperate houseman.

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