– Milan Kundera, “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” [break]
Take the above statement into a sociological laboratory with a group of urbane Nepali women. They are armed with their newfound rights of deciding-for-myself freedom and have the fledgling elite Kathmandu feminism shouting out loud throughout the wonder years: “If you want crap to stop happening to you, stop accepting the crap, and demand better!”
And add to that the backdrop of their exemplary, dependent and ever so helpless mothers, unhappy aunts, and depressed sisters. With fierce ambition in their hearts for independence, many of them seem to have sworn not to be constipated with bondage.
“I’m 28 and it’s taken me years to harness my own freedom that often involved painstaking arguments for hours, and cutting off ties with an ever-extended family,” says restaurateur Sandhya Pradhan (name changed), stopping midway while managing the daily accounts of her bar in Kathmandu. “If I get married, I’ll be expected to become what others want me to be, and I’ll have to force myself to comply, or else fingers will be pointed not just at me but at my family as well,” she says. “I love my freedom but I love my family, too. And I wouldn’t trade both for anything,” she adds.
Turn up your observation radar and you will realize that the likes of Sandhya are everywhere. Buzzing with life, teeming, jovial, and brilliantly sensible but very reluctant when it comes to marriage, some even defensively say that all the “good men are taken.” You tell them they are too picky, and they flip back their latest hairdo and quip, “Marriage is not just a word…it’s a sentence!"
Perhaps it is time to analyze this active avoidance of marital responsibility vis-à-vis our culture’s addiction to promote selective aspects of globalization, and which seem to happen on a daily basis. For this carefree statement on coupling is not just rhetoric that the devout worshippers of pop feminism advocate, it is also a blatant reflection of the thought process of a chunk of urbane women in the capital.
“A society that has had to stomach so many changes pertaining to women, including female militancy, it seems to be frightfully confused about the sort of status that it actually wants to confer on women,” says 25-year-old banker Pragya Koirala.
“Sociological phenomenon is also a manifestation of collective psychological experiences, of other things,” explains Bharosa Basnyat, a clinical psychologist at Tribhuvan University Teaching Hospital (TUTH). “More often than not, women grow up watching mothers or close female relatives utterly voiceless with regard to the dictates of the patriarchal makeup of our psyche. They don’t want to enter into a similar predicament, primarily because the personal stakes are perceived to be too high for these individuals,” Basnyat adds.
In the past 15 years, Nepali society has seen paradigm shifts in its cultural, socio-political and economical aspects. Despite the shifts, however, the socialization process still dictates that being married is the ultimate emancipation for women from all walks of life. This marriage-centered culture is also mirrored in the current budget allocation by the Finance Ministry whereby Rs 50,000 is awarded to those who marry widows. Moreover, this commercial take on marriage also seems to imply that women are to be forever dependent on men for the legitimacy of their existence.
"This policy is tantamount to regarding women as commodities," said women´s rights activist Lily Thapa, who founded the Single Women´s Group (SWG), an association of widows.
To that, Laxman Gautam from SWG says “We have documented 41,375 profiles of single women, and on average, 75-100 profiles are added on a daily basis.”
In the face of such statistics, how logical is it for Nepali culture to continue to stipulate a woman’s singledom as a taboo?
Socially, once within wedlock, the success of a wife equates to her capacity for perpetual appeasement.
“Marriage means appeasing others, and it’s tiring,” says 29 year old journalist Prativa Basnet, wrinkling her nose in tedium, “Firstly, we appease the men we marry, then their family, and then the endless horde of relatives that come with that union. With untainted intensity akin to a desire for martyrdom, the harder it’s to please them, we’re taught, the more focused we ought to be.”
Simultaneously, the decade-long “People’s War” also ravaged Nepal’s education system, among other sectors, and convinced the middle and the upper classes that Nepal was not a safe haven for their children’s upbringing. Many parents sent their children abroad for education where they moved to a less uptight lifestyle in the “western world” and inevitably rented a part of it.
Back home in major cities, a new culture beckons: A culture where even “good” girls uncork champagne bottles, sway to the tunes of Beyonce and party till they drop. Come morning, they swig a shot of espresso, clutch their hard earned degrees and march on to what had been men’s domain: financial analysts, doctors, bankers, development workers.
“Historically, women looked for physical security in men. Onto a more commercialized existence, they looked for financial security. Though they instinctively want to nest, they are more self-sufficient now. Unlike women of the past generations, today’s women are increasingly independent, and decision-making is a luxury that they can now afford,” says US returnee entrepreneur Sharad Thapa, commenting on the changes he has felt in the attitude of city women.
Amid the humdrum of rapid globalization, unprecedented “westernization”, and an unparalleled exposure to the world and its vigor, these women grew up in an era marked with profound changes in their own immediate surroundings. Now, urbane women do have more options for work, family and relationships, and a circle of close girlfriends that enliven this way of life. But emotional harmony seems to be an endeavor at best.
“As per the demands of modernity, we ought to stand up for ourselves when we’re expected to; and for the elegance of cultural heritage, we ought to bow down when we’re expected to. Now, this is confusing!” So muses Pragya Koirala, in a rather baffled tone.
However, beneath this newfound dramas and choices which manifest, among other things, in their attitude to the common euphemism – compromise – a culture shock is brewing as dining tables across the cities become power-tussle arenas at supper time.
Yet the arguments are powerful, bold and rational.
"I don’t know if my expectations from marriage are high, but I want it to be an equal partnership,” says 27-year-old IT engineer Shraddha Shrestha who is currently based in San Francisco. “Experience tells me men aren’t big on independent women. I’m not willing to settle down unless I meet someone who respects my independence.”
And then she adds, “Is it too much to ask for?”
Some did give in to marriage. Mommy packed their scarlet expandable suitcases with saris and matching petticoats. They stuck in a potpourri of unrealized dreams and headed for Matrimony Ville, only to have it explode in their faces. Only because they chose not to settle for sub-standard coupledom ethics called compromise. Among a certain section of the population, the sanctity of marriage as a holy bond is being eroded. Divorce is neither unattainable nor is it unacceptable, at least not as it used to be.
With a UN job and nursing her ailing 17-year-old marriage, Rakshya Nepal (name changed), playing with her spaghetti, says, “Marriage sadly continues to be a rite of passage instead of a celebration of love. It’s treated like an insurance against loneliness; it can’t be an indemnity against misery.”
For some, the analysis of this illustration may pass off as unworthy attention to the bourgeoisie. But the absence of harmony between cultural norms and the modern women’s selfhood has grave socioeconomic consequences. Last week, Republica reported that more than 20,000 students leave for foreign shores with not much desire to come back to Nepal. With this rate of inevitable brain drain, as it is, and sucking the living soul out of the ones that are already here, does it not only make the nascent gender equality in Nepal a fallacy ? Moreover, what about the utter wastage of the investment that has gone into creating a savvy women’s workforce for Nepal?
Hell, yeah! Modern Nepali women can definitely dream bigger than ever before. But does not progress seem to be a mere scrupulous crusade, at best? Even for those who stand tall on pencil heels and have high-flying jobs? What about the plights of the rest of the women throughout the country who go through an ordeal of oppression. Alas! For now, unsure things drift in the air.
At home, while mommy dons chiffon saris, attends weddings, is pampered by steaming platters of gooey mutton curry, and eagerly anticipates making a thousand people feast at her courtesy, the modern Nepali woman fights an urge to run in the opposite direction. The relentless past battles an unknown future, turning these women’s heads into a motley crew of anxiety and masochism scattered as from an unextinguished hearth. There is the insecurity, directed to what has been called the most intimate interpersonal relationship of all: the holy matrimony.
A foul mood is in the air.
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