I quote these line from an article I read recently, written by a compulsive risk taker who made a fruitful life by living on the edge of the decisions he made, defying every logic and every ‘right thing to do’ canon. I couldn’t help narrowing his argument down to a smaller frame that would fit the risk we take (or not) in matters of personal life: in relationships we choose out of our own accord.
Leslie Lehr is a writer who is fighting cancer and pens a column called ‘Modern Love’ in the New York Times. Recently, she beautifully wrote about how her personal life evolved past her difficult divorce in an op-ed titled ‘How I got to here.’ She speaks about her transition from being a wife and mom to being a single mom and then to finding the strength to get herself back to the dating world. At this point, she throws an interesting line that, in my perspective, stems from her desire to take a leap of faith and the inhibitions that take her down. She starts dating her teacher from a writing seminar but realizes that (and I quote) “If I was going to be single, why not keep my options open? I loved him. But, if I could reel him in, it was time to cut bait.” I wondered if many of us today actually feel that way. [break]
While, despite her initial dilemma, she eventually got a beach wedding in Malibu and has since been happily married, the idea she presented left me wondering about how, how much, and if at all, our past affects our present and our future. In the tone of the article, I could sense her vulnerability, her anxiety about the what-ifs, and a reservation to proclaim her affinity towards the novelty of the experience.
That took me back to an article I had written last, entitled ‘It’s not over, until you’re over it’. The two people I had mentioned: M (the girl) and B (the boy) were breathing under the amalgamation of the two aforementioned thoughts: The risk involved in giving your all to a surreal serendipity while the shadow of your past lurks in the backdrop serving as a reminder every now and then of how sometimes even good things fall apart. You’ve seen one crumble, and a while later, you’re trying to build another, treading slowly, laying one brick at a time – trying to cement a foundation that is stronger and lasting. And yet, the backdrop remains – dwindled – but there all the same!
M and B are seeing each other now – taking that risk, for denying it seemed like fooling each other of the simmering chemistry they sensed brewing for a while. It wasn’t without the same doubts that Leslie encountered, though. And it isn’t for many others as well. When two thinking individuals feel a spark and are both people who want stability and are not just looking for a good time, they are circumspect because they know they have felt something similar before, and their emotional baggage makes them withdrawn.
B still cared about who he was with for a long time but he wasn’t sure how M would feel about this because, after all, M could naturally feel that B is not there yet – where the past can just be a pleasant memory. B screened his emotions, was more perceptible and calculative of the decisions he made and is less carefree. M had a sense of this but she had been there, too. She knew where B was coming from and admired him for having the decency a man should to respect the time, the role and the happiness and comfort he once experienced with someone else. He wasn’t making it a predisposition in his life, like earlier, to care for her, but he knew that he cared enough to be there – for old time’s sake – if she reached out and he was man enough to admit it.
Memories, after all, are associations we have of people, of places, of events. Sometimes, these memories fade away but there are some that stay with you for a long time because of how it made you feel – maybe euphoria, love, anger, angst and sometimes because of who you were with, and what you experienced.
Life doesn’t offer us a clean black slate to start over. We write memories: we keep some, we erase some. We might relive these instances and feel the same way we did back then, but it should not be taken as a threat by the one we are with now. Insecurities, jealousy, and possessiveness are natural and instinctive human emotions, and maybe even healthy, to the extent that they probably show we’re still invested in and are not taking the other person for granted. It’s a fine line, tedious to walk but in the proverbial way – no one promised that it would be easy; they only said it (hopefully) would be worthwhile.
I believe it’s great to learn from your past, but it’s also almost equally important not to read too much of it into your present – not to use that learning to expect the same in our future encounters. Who you are with now is a different person altogether. For example, just because your ex cheated on you, it doesn’t mean you expect it to happen again; just because your last long-distance relationship didn’t fare as well, there’s no way to tell the next won’t. It’s a chance you’re taking. Give yourselves a fair chance to experience that change together.
The risk-taker I mentioned earlier expressed that “Very little is obvious in the research on human decision-making and happiness. Very few things are proven. One thing that is proven is this: the only regrets octogenarians have are for the risks not taken.”
Never give yourself a chance to say ‘what if’? For when you look back, you don’t want to say ‘I wish I had...’ Hold on to your memories for they make the story of your life, embrace what life throws at you wholeheartedly, and believe that there is that person out there with whom small, stupid conversations would still make sense, who will give you a smile to wear, and make you realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else.
The writer is an aspiring storyteller (and an Agony Aunt).
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