A changing narrative
The popular belief is that parents whose children leave the country are miserable and it’s almost as if their lives come to a standstill. But the actual reality is slowly changing from this age-old narrative. Parents reveal that they don’t actually mind their children living overseas and some even claim that they are enjoying the freedom and the lack of responsibility they get by living on their own. Anweiti Upadhyay reports. 

Her only son’s decision to settle down in the US after marriage was a somewhat difficult thing for Indira Khatri to come to terms with. Though he had always been away from home while pursuing his higher studies, she secretly harbored dreams that he would return one day. The fact that he would always be away and she would only see him once a year or so, for a week or two at most, didn’t initially feel right. But Khatri claims that what had once made her miserable is something she relishes right now. 

“I’m happy my son is doing well and that he visits me whenever he can and my husband and I get to go see him too,” she says adding that as long as she talks to her son and daughter in-law every other day and they know what’s happening in each other’s lives she doesn’t feel bad about him not being around. “They do their thing, my husband and I have our own lives, it’s all good,” says Khatri. 

Lata Sharma thinks that these stories about parents being miserable and their lives just shutting down after their kids go abroad is something akin to folklore. Both her sons have been living in the US for more than five years now and it has not taken away her life and its purpose. “I don’t think that happens to anyone anymore. You see a lot of that portrayed in films and TV series these days but that reality has been changing for quite sometime now. My life does not hit a pause or stop button because my sons aren’t here with me,” she says. 

Her sentiments are echoed by Shaligram Tiwari who says that, after their son went abroad to study, he and his wife have been enjoying their lives in their own little ways. They miss him, and find themselves talking about him all the time but that doesn’t mean their lives have come to a standstill. In fact, the Tiwari couple likes not having constant responsibilities. “There are a bunch of responsibilities you have to step up to when you are living with your children. Also, as enjoyable as living with a large family is, sometimes it gets a little too crowded and chaotic and that isn’t something you want to feel all the time. My wife and I are honestly enjoying this freedom,” he says.

Yeshoda Thapa, whose three kids are all settled in the US, too agrees with Tiwari and says that just because your children live away from you doesn’t mean you will never see them. So there’s actually nothing to feel bad about. Thapa divides her time between Nepal and the States and if she enjoys being with her children, she confesses she and her husband also enjoy being on their own. Thapa also feels that being away strengthens the bond between parents and children even more. Like they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

“I think the connection between me and my kids and their own respective families is strong because we miss one another when we are not together so we make it a point to be extra nice and caring when we are living in the same house. And that’s a nice feeling,” she says further explaining that everybody needs some breathing space and being apart gives you that. It allows you to foster better relationships too. 

While there are a lot of parents who are enjoying their lives by themselves in Nepal and are happy with what their children are doing, there are also parents like Ramesh Phuyal and his wife Poonam who are more concerned about how their children might not be able to adapt to a completely new culture more than anything else. Speaking about his daughter Astha, her father claims, “She has always been soft spoken and I was worried that she would be pushed around in a foreign country. I actually wanted her to take up self-defense classes before she left for the UK in case she gets in a tough situation.” But he also confesses that she has actually been holding up well on her own – even without the self defense classes – and this has just taught him that parents need to believe that their children can actually live their lives on their own. “We don’t have to monitor them every step of the way,” he adds. 

But all parents despite their beliefs seem to agree on one point: They miss their kids all the time. Emphasizing how much she misses her children, Thapa says, “All of my children are doing great and I as their mother am proud of that. But sometimes I selfishly wish they hadn’t gone to a different country and left us behind. Thoughts about leaving Nepal and moving in with one of them cross my mind every now and then but I also have my own responsibilities and life here in Nepal so I can’t do that.”

Sabitri Gautam, whose three daughters have been out of the country since middle school says that being away from her daughters isn’t a big thing for her. While she has not experienced any difficulty with that herself, she does have a pressing concern. She feels that since every household has a youngster who is settled abroad with no intention of coming back, in the long run, Nepal’s growth and development will seriously be hampered. “Nepal feels more like an old age home at this point,” claims Gautam. 

While her concerns are relevant in the larger picture, there are many parents for whom the issues are closer to home. According to Tiwari, another problem a lot of parents face is in repaying the loans they take out to send their children abroad. “It’s my duty as a parent to support my children in pursuing quality higher education however expensive it might be. But because taking out a loan is very inflexible and selective in Nepal, it was and still is quite tedious to deal with it,” he says. 

Thapa, on the other hand, feels that children who are abroad tend to help their parents financially too and that should considerably lighten the burden. Though as a mother she doesn’t want her children to feel responsible for her, there is no denying that they do which means they make sure their parents are comfortable and don’t have any unfulfilled wants or needs. 

“From knowing they have a good life to being able to ask for help should you need it, there are lots of plus points of your children being abroad,” says Thapa, “The only downside is that you miss them when you are feeling unwell or need someone to talk to but there’s always Skype for that.” 

It looks like the narrative of parents being left behind and thus neglected while their children chase better and bigger dreams is slowly changing. Being away doesn’t have to mean being apart and out of touch anymore, and that seems to be helping a lot of parents ease back into their old lives, the one they had before they had children. 

“As parents you have to learn to let your children go and discover their own lives. And you have to teach yourself to live an independent life once again too. It’s not as difficult as it’s made out to be, and it can actually be quite fun. It’s all about your attitude towards it,” concludes Sharma.

anweitiupadhay@gmail.com

 
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