Dear Swastika, I have a fifteen-year-old younger sister, and I feel she is turning negative towards me. As her brother, I encourage her to share things that are happening in her school. When we were younger we used to talk a lot but now she keeps things to herself. My parents are busy with work and I do feel responsible for her upbringing. She shuts herself in her room and I always see her engrossed with her smartphone. I really want her to share her problems with me, however, if I open up a conversation she will cut it short and many times she has shouted at me. I know she is going through a lot of changes but I want to help her. I am not being a protective brother, but could you suggest how I could make her open up more and reduce her hostility towards me?
-Kumar
Raising a sibling is a life-long journey. And just like in the journey of life, you will pass through some green pastures, some dry barren fields, dense forests, and bridges that connect two shore of the river. I think your relationship with your sister will have its highs and lows. But I think that the most important thing is to never let go of the steering wheel and never lose sight of the destination.
For a minute, close your eyes and think about the kind of relationship that you want with your sister when you are both in your sixties. What will you be saying to her? What will she be saying to you? What would it feel like to have your sister next to you at that age? How much of your life and stories will you be sharing with each other at that time? Will you respect each other, will you love each other, will you know in your heart that you can trust each other with your entire life? Capture that picture of future in your mind. No matter where life takes you in the journey of your relationship, remember that this is where you want to reach with your sister.
With that picture in mind, never let go of the steering wheel. Every time, the wind blows the ship of your relationship away from the path, steer it back on track. Take full responsibility of this relationship. There will be years where your sister will act all distant. Remind her of all the wonderful days you’ve had as children; all the things that you used to share and memories you’ve built. Tell her how you miss her companionship. Remind her that you still need her.
Most of the time, relationships fall apart because we stop fighting for love. It is okay to be angry and upset sometimes and be the vulnerable one that needs attention. Instead of always seeming to want to control other people’s lives, it is ok to go to your loved one and tell them that it is you who want to be part of their life. If she doesn’t let you into her life, show her your grief, that you’re hurt, that you miss your little sister. Tell her how she has changed in the recent years. Fight for your love towards her. Demand love, demand, attention, demand time. But always remember two things – no matter how much you demand and go crazy, she has the ultimate right to decide whether she wants you or she doesn’t want to make you a part of her life. Not everyone you love will love you back. On the other hand, also remember that even if she refuses to share her life and love with you now, she will appreciate your efforts when she is 60. You will eventually get to your destination with her. So never stop loving her; never let go of that steering wheel.
But also remember that she needs a brother too and not a pseudo parent to substitute for busy parents. Don’t forget to be a brother. Brothers don’t judge, brothers are partners in crime, brothers lead by example, brothers surprise you with gifts, brothers always cut you a slack, brothers make you feel safe and brothers never ever ever give up on you.
My advice - stop raising her. Instead, grow up with her.
Life Back On Track
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head oftraining and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
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