I wondered what he meant by “manly qualities.” He enlightened me further: “I was suffering from cold and fever, and was sick and weak. I was lying down. I was emotional then and did not have enough energy to show any manly traits. I think that is probably the reason.” I just looked at him, because I could not think of any advice that would lessen his grief and ease the relationship between him and his wife.
“I should have married only after dating someone for a few months; so that I could have known her and understood what she would expect from her would be husband, instead of choosing an arranged marriage. My life would not be so complicated then” he went on. “I must have made her unhappy, because she wants to change me.”
NEWS.BBCIMG.CO.UK
“You don’t have to change. Just be who you are,” I told him. “Just try to understand her, that’s it.” However, I knew my advice was not enough for him. “I do try to understand her. I go shopping with her. I am okay with what she wants to buy or wear, or with whatever else pleases her. I help her with her make-up, and also wait for her with heavy stacks of dresses in both hands until she comes out from the fitting room,” he said. “But I get frustrated doing all this, you know. She still makes a song and dance of everything. She asks me how she looks, and my answer does not make her happy. Our parents never had to do that, nor did our mothers bother our fathers with all this nonsense. I am tired, dude.”
I realized he must have a modern wife who wants her husband to please her all the time, no matter how demanding she is, be a yes man about whatever decisions she makes outdoors or indoors, always be by her side, and make everything available to her.
“‘You are demanding, and you want to be pleased, which only women do. You are a complete woman.’ That is what my wife said,” my friend sounded desperate. He was holding his head in his hands, his body language reflecting his panic. “‘You cry about every little thing though you are a man, how can I have feelings for you when I cannot see you as a man?’ said my wife. Her opinion of me really upsets me.” He lit a cigarette, and puffed in and out. I told him not to worry, and assured him that everything would be alright. After he left, I thought of him as someone who had given in to despair.
In my parents’ time, a man hardly cried, no matter what struggles and trauma he had to go through. He had to make the family happy by working outside to feed and clothe them, but he never had time to shop with his wife or carry her clothes while she was in a fitting room. Washing clothes and doing laundry, cooking food and washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen and house and making the bed were women’s jobs. Basically, not doing the work that a woman was supposed to do made a man a man. A woman would do millions of things to please her husband. Hindu Literature, from the Kamasutra to Swasthani Bratakatha, have interpreted women’s duty and men’s pleasure profoundly (These texts should not guide the relationship between a husband and wife today, because times have changed, and each person should be treated equally. I myself am against injustice and discrimination towards woman, but these days I am worried about some so-called modern women who want men to act like men, but be their slaves when it pleases them. I apologize if I am being harsh here.)
Let me go back to my friend’s situation. His wife wanted him to act like a man. He was not supposed to cry even in pain, because he was a man. He was supposed to appear bold and strong all the time. At the same time, he was supposed to cook for her, clean the kitchen, keep everything neat and tidy, make money, say “yes” to what she wanted to do, never let her know that he was bored, frustrated, discouraged or lethargic, join her in shopping, carry her bargains when she tries them on in a fitting room and comes out preening every few minutes expecting him to say how wonderful she looks, help with her makeup, polish her nails, bring her a cup of tea in the morning, never complain, and never raise his voice at her. What a challenge my friend was coping with to attain this dream of real manhood!
To be a man today, a man has to not only do what men did in my parents’ time, but also what a woman used to do, plus give extra time and help. You can sweep the floor or clean the kitchen when it is dirty, cook the food when your wife is hungry, take her somewhere for her pleasure, book a ticket for her to watch a night show, take her to a bar, give her a drink, dance with her or do whatever else she wants you to do (even when you do not want to do), but never cry when you are panicking or when you are hurt. Why? Because you are a man, you should not be a woman. At last, the million dollar question is: When can my friend cry like a woman as he needs to, and still arouse feelings in her and be seen as a man?
tulsirames@yahoo.com
Related story
Sad movies to watch because you need a good cry.
