The last time she was on a business trip, she had ample budget to renting a car. But today, she’s taking the bus and she’s carrying a black handbag with beads-studded handles that holds the destinies of many.[break]
For Prabha Adhikari, 36, of Naubise, her business started on a whim. This was after her marriage 13 years ago with a complete stranger, a man her family had chosen with the help of a Lami, a traditional marriage broker. Little did she know that just a year later, she would be playing the role of a Lami herself.
“There’s a belief that brokering marriages will guarantee mokshya (nirvana). My mother used to tell me this all the time and it was perhaps the reason why I was so eager to arrange a match for my cousin’s daughter,” says Adhikari whose mother also worked as a matchmaker for some 20 years.
“Usually, it’s the parents who come to me asking for help in finding a bride or a groom for their children. I ask for a striking photograph of the candidate and then note down their basic information,” says Adhikari who pairs up people on the basis of their family background, looks and educational qualifications.
“I have to take the age, social status, educational background, and in many cases, even the height and weight into consideration. Add to that the importance of the astronomical charts in our culture and the whole process of finding a suitor for my candidate gets even more complex.”
Approaching the families after deciding on a match is the tricky bit in matchmaking, as they need to be convinced about the suitor she has decided upon.
To impress the families so that they readily accept her decision which till date she claims has been uncontested, Adhikari pays a special attention to her appearance.
“How I present myself has a lot to do with how the involved families take to my decision. Presentation, I believe, is of paramount importance in my profession.”
In a sensitive issue like matchmaking, it is how the Lamis come across and present the candidates to the families that determine and sometimes even influence their final decision.
“I’ve noticed that when I look and smell nice, families are impressed and give their approval without taking much time,” adds Adhikari with an amused smile.
But she goes through the elaborate routine of readying herself to meet the parties concerned only after she’s consulted a local priest to make sure the horoscopes are compatible.
“I’ve been raised to have faith in destiny. Seeing my mother give a lot of importance to compatible astronomical charts in marriage has instilled in me a deep sense of belief on these matters,” she says.
While Adhikari believes that the most important aspect of matchmaking is the consultation of horoscopes and astronomical charts and failing to do so might result in misfortune, there are other Lamis who, in today’s scenario, find this facet of our tradition almost inconsequential.
Bimala Aryal, a resident of Biratnagar who has fixed up seven pairs in the past two years she’s worked as a marriage broker, is more liberal and in the support of compatibility based on personality traits rather than star signs.
“But these things apparently matter a lot to a good many. I’ve seen a few cases where the boy and the girl have been suitable for each other based on family background and personal characteristics but their birth charts suggested otherwise and the families have been opposed to such a marriage,” says Aryal.
Compatible astronomical charts have been a major deciding factor for marriage and no one has really dared to turn a blind eye to it though a select few have opted to hold rituals to pacify the gods in case of unmatched charts.
When all the details have been taken care of and a wedding is scheduled, Aryal charges Rs. 5,000 while Adhikari chooses not to quote a price but has always received tokens of appreciation from her clients. For the first marriage she fixed up, she was gifted an elaborate hand-embroidered sari from the bride’s family.
Some families have given her money in addition to clothes, and recently, a few have even gifted her gold and silver jewelry.
The work of a marriage broker pays well but it is definitely not easy and comes with a lot of social stigma. Sometimes arranged marriages go wrong and it is them who have to take a major share of the blame. Adhikari remembers a time when she had to face the wrath of the entire family when a couple she had helped pair chose to part ways.
“The boy was forced into marriage by his family and was secretly seeing someone even after marriage,” says Adhikari. “I was unaware of the boy’s situation, so I shouldn’t have been held responsible.”
To avoid situations like this, Aryal clears out a few vital points before making a match. She makes sure her clients understand that she is not liable for false information and personal complications that may arise after marriage.
However, Aryal double checks the information submitted by the families and tries to make sure there are no unwanted complications beforehand.
Marriage brokers also have to deal with a lot of criticism and cynicism. Pairing up people as a job does not garner much respect and command and matchmaking is not considered a serious career.
In addition, today’s generation doesn’t like to be forced into marriage and Lamis sometimes end up becoming a focal point of their hatred.
“The very idea of arranged marriages is becoming an alien concept today. People want to be able to choose on their own and for this very reason, they are repelled by the idea of meeting a stranger through our recommendations,” says Aryal.
Aparna Shakya (name changed), a college girl who was forced by her parents to meet a few men through marriage brokers, despises the culture of Lamis.
“I think it’s all rubbish. You can’t force someone into a relationship. The only thing these marriage brokers can do is introduce people who they think would like to meet and hopefully build a relationship and get married someday. They can’t be planning a wedding right from the start,” she says.
On one hand, young people like Shakya no longer feel the need to get married just because they are a certain age or their parents need an offspring to continue the family legacy. They want the liberty to decide when and whom to spend the rest of their lives with and they feel that marriage brokers rob them of this freedom.
On the other hand, there are some who are actually quite happy meeting suitors through Lamis and getting to know them better before eventually getting married.
Geeta Basnet, 24, and Pramod Thapa, 27, are one such couple who met for tea in the presence of both their family members about six months ago.
The date was fixed by Adhikari upon their parents’ request. They admit to have seen each other’s photograph only after their marriage had been finalized, yet they have no qualms about having met though a Lami but rather seem to revel in the fact that Adhikari brought them together and have recommended her to their friends.
Lamis can be quite a bit controversial, bringing about both positive and negative feelings, depending on people’s perspective on marriage.
But despite all the controversy surrounding it, the role of Lamis has not yet faded from our culture and marriage brokers like Adhikari and Aryal continue to be a significant part of our society even today.
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