The appointments register show at least two marriage counseling sessions a day. Pathak states that this is actually one of the slow days. "Every week we have dozens of couples coming over, seeking help to fix their marriages. Behind our closed doors the agony, the betrayals, the dissatisfactions, and the secrets all come tumbling out. They threaten divorce, but I say, it is hope and slim though it may be, it's their hope to salvage their relationship that brings them to my office," says Pathak.
It's been 16 years that she has been a trusted confidante and counselor to Nepali couples, but she shares that the last five years, in particular, have seen a huge spike in popularity of marriage counseling. But the counseling centers have had little to do with it. The demand from the public is the reason that Nepali psychologists today have slowly started to provide such services. Pathak's own first marriage counseling session was a similar experience.
"My first marriage counseling session was with a couple who had been together for 40 years. The wife had seen our sign board. She came in and first of all, asked if there were any CCTVs around. After we cleared her suspicions, she told me everything. Turns out, she was being psychologically and emotionally abused all these years. The only reason she was putting up with it were her children," reminisces Pathak.
Apparently even today, it's usually the wives who come in looking for more information and some advice. But these days, they are definitely not prone to waiting 40 years. Every single day as Pathak sits with feuding husbands and wives, she says she can sense that the dynamics have changed. Women are no longer dependant on their husbands. They are educated and they have their earnings. This has bought egos and a sense of entitlement to the couple's table.
"People wonder why the divorce rates in our country are increasing but in a way, this was predictable. The times are changing. There is no denying that women have been dominated in our society. But now they are rising above and this is a good thing. The problems creep into a relationship when the husband or the husband's family can't grasp this fact, when they can't accept that their wives don't want to or have to adhere to the old ways," says Pathak. She has lost count of the number of couples whose marriage problems were rooted in this belief. Even after counseling, she has found that some Nepali husbands, despite their best efforts, find some level of difficulty in adjusting.
This is where Pathak brings out the age old advice of good communication. It can certainly do wonders for a relationship. Often her first step involves, sitting back and giving both the husband and the wife their turns to share their thoughts and feelings. This rarely goes without a hitch. Pathak reveals that there have been many times where she has had to physically come between a couple and act as a referee. There have also been times when she has run out of tissues and it is not always the wife who is inconsolable.
Marriage is obviously a two way street and both parties play equal roles in the relationship's success and failure. Even though at National Institute of Psychology, the number of husbands who seek marriage counseling are comparatively less than the wives, their intentions and efforts are also sincere.
Pathak explains, "Women can't always play the victim. I have seen many wives who lack empathy or have unreasonably high expectations. This obviously is a recipe for trouble. The aim should be a happy relationship. You don't give the other any kind of agony, psychological or emotional torture or stand to receive any either."
Counseling sessions bring out many martial scenarios – from mundane complaints like inattentive spouses ("It wasn't like this before marriage.") to the scandalous issues ("I didn't know my wife suffered from depression.") to even private matters of their sexual relationships. Since the subject has always been rather taboo in our society, Pathak makes sure to approach it with a lot of
sensitivity.
"Sex is an important part of marriage. Dissatisfaction in this area is also a big deal breaker for many couples and we must talk about it. However, considering our values and general attitude on the matter, there is always some reluctance to speak up. I actually encourage them to write a few points in their dairies. We also have a discussion individually first," explains Pathak.
Sexual torture is the only category where Pathak advocates a divorce. In many circumstances, the counselors at the National Institute of Psychology try and give the couples as many reasons as possible to stick it out, perhaps wait, take a break from each other and give their relationship another shot but in cases where one is being sexually violated, the stakes automatically increase.
"Every now and then, we do have people especially wives who confess about marital rape or alleged affairs. These tend to be cases where the clients have incredible pent up anger and frustration. Thus we fear the safety of both husband and wife. These are one of the cases where we make sure there is a lawyer present. In case the separation is going ahead, we call in all the family members as well and explain the circumstances. The atmosphere is uncomfortable but it's a step that needs to be taken," says Pathak.
It's one of the reasons why she is happy to see the trend of marriage counseling catching on. Many people might have felt the need to quietly accept the abuse or deal with the disappointments in the past, but now such counseling provide a safe ground for these matters to be resolved. Similarly, it could very well be the cure to high divorce rates as well.
As it is, Pathak shares that pre-marriage counseling is also catching on among Nepali couples in their 20s and 30s. They reportedly come to ensure their compatibility and discuss about life after marriage in general. So it is all about awareness.
"Nothing good is going to come out of pretending you have a healthy marriage when you don't," says Pathak. "Many may feel second chances are hard to come by, especially in this age and generation, but at least with marriage counseling many Nepali couples can now get theirs."
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