Dear Swastika,
I've been in relationship with this amazing girl for more than six years now and we're planning to tie the knot sometime this year. I really love her and she's my only motivation to do anything and everything in life. I know that this feeling is mutual, but then she still tells me, even after all these years, that she struggles to trust me completely and that she's very insecure about me. I'm an extrovert while she's an introvert, and she openly says social nature is the very reason why she's so insecure about me. She's intelligent and I know that there's more to her general insecurity about me. Her mother is the second wife of her father, and she wasn't aware about his first marriage when she decided to marry him. Maybe what my girl feels is the shadow of how her mother perceives men in general? Because once when I read her diary, she had written something in the lines of how her mother believes men will go astray at least once in their lifetime. So is what she feels about me actually influenced by her mother's beliefs? Everyone who knows me knows that she is my life. What else could be the reason she's still insecure, after all these years? I really want her to trust me and be confident that I'll never hurt her. Since you're a woman, I'm hopeful that you'll somehow understand her. But then, I'm not sure.
Falling in Love
-Anonymous
They often say that men can never really understand women. I think no one can fully understand another person. People don't even understand themselves. We carry many baggages from our past. Those baggages continue to affect our present lives in ways we don't always understand. Some baggages are so deep into our subconscious that we don't even remember that it exists, leave apart being aware of how it affects us. You might be right. Maybe, her parents' relationship and her mother's bitterness towards men affect how she might be feeling about her own relationship. But that could be oversimplifying her nature and being – that she's simply just a product of her father's failing and mother's disappointment. This could've had a big influence on her sense of insecurity but perhaps there is more to it.
Many things, incidents, people influence our being and becoming. What did she value growing up? How much does she feel secure and confident about her own self? Is she deeply content with who she really is? There are many layers to a woman and you'll gradually discover them in the journey that you have decided to begin together. Within her you'll find layers of insecurity and strength, self-doubt and confidence, anger and compassion, envy and love. You'll have a wonderful journey but remember that it will always be a journey. There might never be a day when you reach a destination—that day when you get to claim that you've been able to fully gain her trust. There might never be a day when she can fully assure you that she has no doubts left.
But as you walk through the path, you will find ample of opportunity to love. To hold her hand and assure her that you'll always be there. That no one quite makes your heart churn out the way that she does. That no matter where life takes you, she is home, your true north, where you'll always come back to. There will be ample opportunities to hold her in your arms when she begins to feel as if the whole world is falling apart. Every time she begins to doubt herself, you'll have ample opportunities to remind how strong and beautiful she is from deep within. Every time she's angry, you'll have ample opportunities to stand by her and remind her how this moment too shall pass. There will be times where she'll be hurt by things you do. There will be times when she'll feel like she can't trust you or count on you anymore. But by the time that happens, you'll have built so many loving memories that you can remind her how there have been some amazing days in your lives. You can remind her of all the times you've lived up to each other's trust, been there for each other at bad times, and the unconditional love that you've shared.
Marriage is a journey with highs and lows. You'll pass many milestones but you'll never stop at any. It will move on – there will be good days and not so good days. But there will be ample opportunities to do the right thing at the right time, say the right things at the right time. Just make sure you never let go of a single opportunity. Wish you a wonderful journey together.
PS: Don't read other people's diary, ever!
Swastika Shrestha is the founder of Anuvuti – a social enterprise that engages young people in service-learning. She has been coaching and mentoring young people in different capacities for over a decade.
Send us your questions to gennext@myrepublica.com with the subject line "College Corner – Talk To Me" or post it on our Facebook page at facebook.com/gennextnepal
