Dear Swastika,
My brother is in his early 30s and he is suddenly in a hurry to earn money. It is due to his turning 30, I think. During his 20s he was always happy-go-lucky and not ambitious at all. He didn't save up any money, too. Now he has a good job with far better pay and he is suddenly ambitious. He says he has only a couple of years in which he can make the maximum amount of money and so he wants to go abroad. We think that is a bad plan because he has a good job here. Since I'm married, I can't be home all the time and I'm also worried that our parents will be alone. I know he has his own life to lead but I truly feel he could be leading a better life here. What can I say to him now?
Roshni
I like how you use the words "all of a sudden." You're looking at your 30-year-old brother with the reference point of the time when he was 20 years old. Ten years is not "all of a sudden" (smiles) and nothing happens all of a sudden. We are constantly changing a little everyday, every single moment. Our false sense of continuum makes us feel that we are the same person we were yesterday – that the people we know are the same people we knew a decade ago. This perception of continuum is strong when we're living together and seeing each other almost everyday. In children, we can see them change physically so it is easier to grasp the idea that they are changing every single day. But in adults, change is more internal and thus it becomes harder for us to notice how they are changing every moment. Everyday, they change a little in unnoticeable degree, which allows us to believe that they are the same person as they were yesterday.
Of course your brother is a new person. Based on his causes and conditions, he has evolved into a new self. He has begun to value different things. The question for you right now is not to figure out what to say to him. The biggest question for you is whether you really know your brother as he is today. Do you know what he is today? Do you know what matters to him, what he values, and what his aspirations are? Are you sure that you are still brother and sister as you were 10 years ago or are you assuming a continuum of the same relationship you had 10 years ago? What if your relationship has changed or fallen apart along the way? Know him again. Become brothers and sisters all over again.
When you know him and love him all over again, you will begin to understand and value his decisions. You will know that in these modern times, we can't just be a "daughter" or a "son." We have to switch our gender roles back and forth to support each other, keep our families together, and our relationships stronger. Sister and brother is not a "job title", it is a process, and it is a relationship. Which is why I ask, do you still have that relationship or has it become about holding each other accountable for the "job duties" assigned to us at the time of birth? If you polish your relationship every single day, rebuild it with love, trust and understanding, there will be a day that the strength of your relationship will remind him to be responsible towards his family. He is changing based on the causes and conditions. Make sure that the causes and conditions that surround him are a strong sense of family, mutual support, love, trust and understanding. People do not like to return to old "jobs" or old "accountabilities", but people always love to return to their homes; homes that are built on love, joy, support and understanding. All birds that fly away eventually come back home...provided there is a home to come back to.
Dear Swastika,
A very good friend of mine told me that my girl has cheated on me. We've been in relationship for about two years now and the time has been nothing but happy. While she's overtly social and hangs out with a lot of male friends, I can't imagine she's actually slept with one of them. I trust her, but I trust my friend, too. He's one of my best friends and we've known each other for at least 10 years. I haven't asked my girlfriend if it's true because I don't want to ruin our relationship based on 'rumors' but is it really rumor if it comes from my best friend? I am super confused.
Niren
What do you value more – your own happiness or the ideas of moral commitment? What is more important to you? Do you think, that if she were physically involved with someone for whatever reason, it would matter in your decision to continue or quit this relationship? Does knowing the truth matter to you more than what happens to your relationship afterwards? Does not knowing the truth and the rumors trouble you to a point that it is already ruining your relationship and things are falling apart anyway? Are you beginning to feel insecure about what this might mean for your future together? Do you think it was a one-time thing for your girlfriend and something that you can put behind and move ahead in life? Do you think you can love a person, and appreciate love of a person who might be physically involved with other men? Do you think she really loves you despite of what might or might not have happened? Do you think you can still love her even if the rumors are true? Do you think that as long as she really-really loved you and you really-really loved her, you could allow your woman to have her secrets and not be too bothered by it?
I am sorry that I do not have a straightforward answer for this. All I can do is give you questions with the hope that it would dig deeper into your own values and bring clarity about what you want in and from a relationship. Ponder on each question for a while, and hopefully, that would guide you to an appropriate action.
Migratory birds in Nepal to escape winter
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience
training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
