I think we live in a society with an illusion of successful arranged marriages. I think the reason we have such low divorce rates in this country is because spouses are being forcefully faithful. I don't mean "forced to be" faithful. I mean "forcefully". You'll see the difference later. In the last five years, the divorce rate in Nepal has increased 10 times. Some may worry about this, but I think differently.First, some relationship 101. Our entire life is a profit and loss statement. We, unconsciously or consciously, are always evaluating our investments and payoffs. By investment, I don't just mean monetary investment. It can be emotional, mental, physical or simply in terms of time. We evaluate our costs and benefits in a relationship as if it's a business venture. When the costs are greater than the benefits, we have reasons and desire to exit the relationship. When the benefits are greater, we stick around. We, as sophisticated animals, are also competitive as hell. If we notice that another relationship is better than our own, again, we have a desire to leave our relationship. We always have to better everyone else.
Alternatives, as in an alternative to the person we're with, play an important role in our own relationship. In every relationship there's a reacher and a settler. The reacher reaches for someone outside their league and the settler settles for someone below their league. We, as arrogant human beings, always like to think that we're settlers. When we see an alternative who is better than the one we've settled for, we want to leave. Hence, there is a desire to seek something better. Basically, it all comes down to the profit and loss statement that I mentioned earlier.
So I just told you what goes on in your head when you are in a relationship. What I want to focus on is why we stay in relationships—friendships, romantic relationships, marriages—even when we aren't satisfied with it. Why can't we and why don't we leave even when we want to?
Remember how I kept using the word investment; it all comes down to that. Let's say the costs you're incurring in the relationship are more than the benefits. You're giving more to your spouse than you're getting from him/her. You want to leave but you can't. Why? Because the investment is just too great. You've spent almost 20 years together. That's a lot of investment of time. You have a kid. There's another investment. Your family is invested in the marriage. And you have invested a lot of emotional and mental energy in that nutbag of a spouse of yours.
Also, maybe you just can't seem to find a better alternative. Now let's be frank, if your 'better half' is actually not even close to good, I'm sure there's an alternative. But maybe you just can't seem to find one at the moment. Now of course you don't need someone to be happy. You're perfectly capable of being happy by yourself. But think about it, considering your competitive nature, would you want to be seen alone after dumping that pain, or do you want to show off with someone much better. I'd definitely choose the latter.
Going back to divorce rates in Nepal, I think they ought to be much higher than they are now. Let's look at the US. The divorce rate there is 50%. Which means, half the marriages there end in divorce. You know how they say, "till death do us apart?" No one dies and yet they part. Not many marriages in the US are arranged. Individuals usually find their own mates, marry, get divorced and marry a few more times. Does not seem like a happily-ever-after land does it?
However, here in Nepal, we marry and usually end up living together forever. But is that marriage really happy? I think not.
I need to clarify something. I'm not saying that arranged marriages are never successful. I'm not attacking the institution. I'm simply questioning low divorce rates. I don't want the relatively low number to fool us into believing what isn't true. I think women in our society usually stick to their husbands not because they're entirely happy with their marriage (some may be), but because they don't have any alternative. Now this alternative is not in terms of another suitable mate or life partner. They have no other choice but to stick around because of total financial dependence on their husbands. Women in our society aren't encouraged to work. They're mostly confined to household chores from which they don't earn anything—not even the husband's appreciation. Since they're totally financially dependent on their husbands, they're forced to stick around. It isn't a successful marriage, it's forcefully successful.
I'm always blaming our society for its backwardness and suppressive nature towards women. I may be wrong in doing that. After all, it's up to the individual to make a difference. But when we have a society such as ours that crumbles any individual effort towards gender equality in the name of tradition, how can one start a revolution?
Sandeep is a student of Psychology at Randolph College in Virginia, USA.
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