We all know that finding a date and then a subsequent relationship is never ever easy. Whether in New York or Kathmandu, the difficulties in the search are not easily dealt with.[break]
However, what is rather challenging about relationships in a place like Kathmandu is coming to terms with the very fact that the city is simply not date-friendly.
The reality remains that dating, on par with more ´serious´ demands for a New Nepal is still rather controversial, a hot topic of discourse and in very much of a transitional phase.
Globalization has called for the fluidity of political, social and cultural norms. And finding a middle ground between tradition and globalized modernity has forever been a struggle for much of the world, including Nepal. Thus, with this context in mind, it is easy to see why the phenomena of dating and relationships, though having gained much momentum, is somewhat still contradictory and problematic.
It is evident that finding a partner in the context of Kathmandu is a grand task. This is possibly because much of society still remains caught in simply finding moral acceptance for the culture of dating, as it almost immediately calls for the end to the dichotomy of the pure and impure which much of our society was, for the most part, founded upon. Not considering the large faction of society that is still alien to the concept, for those that are taking part, they are doing so in their own, Nepali way.
The term ´dating,´ or ´relationship,´ have come to mean so many things for so many Nepalis. Some see it strictly synonymous with marriage, some have found measures to incorporate it without breaking the values of tradition, and others have opted to make of it what the global north has. This means that while some are ´dating´ only a few months prior to marriage with a person, some are only ´dating´ within their caste and creed, and others are ´dating´ in the most liberal sense of the word, with no binding tradition or culture holding them back. While some are going for coffee and a chat, some are holding hands in darkly lit hideouts, others are going all the way- all before marriage.
But, this means that finding someone to date first means finding someone who defines the terms in the same way that one does. This in itself is not easy as the pool of prospects is more limiting the more intricate one´s definition. And if that can finally be managed, then dealing with the social context of Kathmandu is bound to be problematic. For most Nepalis, where the concept of individualism is only secondary to the concept of collectivism, being with someone is bound to create some social tussles. So, even if one has taken the idea in its most liberal sense, the social fabric of Nepal doesn´t allow for the implementation of such a liberal definition. So rare it is to see dating, in particular, without any binding commitment being accepted as a social reality by families, regardless of how well-off or upper class the family may be.
Even practically, the actual lacking of places to go, without being seen or without the fear of being recognized is problematic. And even if one were to take a brave stance and be open about such goings-on, in reality, the places to go on dates are inherently limited. With restaurants in the capital being saturated within such few locations, their tremendous price tags and the lacking of other date-worthy activities otherwise, couples are forced to visit the same restaurants for their dating adventures almost religiously.
Similarly, Kathmandu is relatively small; the likeliness of one bumping into a friend or family member is not that inconceivable. As dating happens in accordance to one´s social and economic class, and the price tags of these restaurants are divided accordingly, keeping a date secret from friends and family, (because it would not be accepted otherwise) is problematic. This calls for yet another conundrum.
Having to be so meticulous about the whole ordeal means that any probable casual nature of development in the relationship is unlikely. Classifications are required, and even mandatory at times, as the ´see how it goes,´ concept is simply not practical in such a congested and nosey social climate. Even before venturing into the taboo of physical intimacy and practicality of sexual practise, the dilemmas are innumerable.
Questions regarding the legitimacy of dating, and of the strength and value of relationships pop up very early on in the scenario. Thus professions of love, proposals for marriage and commitment are rampant. This begs one to question how much room there is practically, for what we call dating.
Ultimately in a place like Kathmandu, communication in relationships is profoundly influenced by sources of cultural variability. For as long as dates are limited to darkly lit back alley restaurants in Thamel, and shopkeepers and neighbors have their noses dug deep, eyes glaring on the activities of today´s generation, the ´dating´ scene in Kathmandu will remain somewhat farcical. And from this reality, there is no escape.
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