Dear Malvika,
I am a 20-year-old girl currently in a relationship with a guy for almost four years now. My family holds conservative beliefs and do not approve of my inter-religion relationship. My partner and I know that it is impossible for us to be together as long as we are in Nepal. So we made plans to go abroad. But, my parents won’t send me abroad because most of my cousins who went abroad married people of different religions and never came back. When I look at my parents, I don’t want to leave them alone. But, going abroad is the only chance for us to have a future. It would be much easier if I would let my parents know about him, but if I do that I’m certain they will not approve of it. What should I do? Should I stay back or try my best to go abroad with him?

Hello love. I will tell you what I have been telling everyone in their 20s about marriage. It’s too early. I may have different values and beliefs. It might also be that just because you marry late doesn’t mean it will be long lasting. But people are different in their 20s and in their 30s. A lot of maturity level won’t have developed in the early 20s. Even your ambitions and needs change with time. If the two of you can handle it as a couple that’s fine. But just because you love someone is not enough for marriage. The ambitions, needs and desires have to match to make it a happy one. The foundation has to be strong. Now having said that, a lot of couple has cross-culture marriage in Nepal. The major thing that parents look for is education, work and security that a man has for their daughter even though women are capable of looking after themselves. You haven’t mentioned the guy’s age here. Hopefully assuming that he is in the same age category as you are, it would mean that the two of you have a long way to go with various challenges and struggles. Your parents are already scared about the future. I would suggest opening up to them and introducing your guy. If after all the effort they do not agree then it is your call. I would suggest you be honest with them first before making any decisions. Why break their heart in the first place? Good luck. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 28-year-old man studying in the US. I am an only child and my parents want me to come back and stay with them. The problem is that I am only a semester away from my graduation and searching for a well-paid job to settle down in the US. I have not thought of going back to Nepal, however, I do want to stay with my parents.Whenever, I try to call and convince them to come here, they certainly don’t seem prepared to adjust in a new environment. I am looking forward to a progressive career here but I also want to be with my parents as I am the only child they have. I am confused on what I should do. Could you give me some suggestion?

You are right in your ways, and you should stick to what you believe. If by feeling emotional you come back, you will always regret it later. If it’s a decision you make on your own, then its fine. Most Nepali parents have difficulty living abroad, the culture, the change and the environment is difficult for them. Unless it’s out of choice they wouldn’t want to make that effort. So finish your studies, get the job and ask them to come for a holiday. Once you start doing really well in your work and earn good money, after a while they will be fine. It will take some time for them to adjust to the idea but they will. And you can come to visit at times, even though I know coming from the States every year is not that easy. But take your time before you make that decision. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 23 year-old-girl and I got married only last month. My husband died in an accident after 24 days of our wedding. Now I have no reason to live. I know that I have to livefor my family, but at this moment I don’t feel for anyone. I just want to die. I still cannot accept that my husband is no longer in this world. Life seems darker day by day. I see no future for me. I spend my entire day weeping for my loss. Please tell me how I can get over all this. I am dying without him every day. I want to live, but actually I am not being able to do it without him. Please tell me what I should do.

Oh my god darling I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that you must be having the most difficult time as of now. Losing a loved one is the most distressing experience we have to live with. But please do not talk about dying. It is not worth it. You will be leaving behind a lot more broken hearts if you do. Right now everything will be blurry and really difficult. I don’t know how complying with your in laws or your parents is like, but in this scenario a change in scene is a must. First you have to grieve the person you have lost. If it takes you three months or six months or a year, take your time. It’s always better to grieve them now. Slowly you need to pick up the pieces. Go away for a while with family or friends. Take some time out, maybe out of where you are currently living or out of the country. It will help you in some ways. Start working; daily work will keep you active and distract you. But also know that he will always be a part of you. And you will always have him in your memory. I will tell you again and again that it will take time, sometimes years but you have to get by it. You cannot ignore your feelings. That’s the best way to grieve for someone. Do things that you have always wanted to do, live your life and make the best of it and make him proud. He will always be watching and protecting you. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 32-year-old unmarried guy. I am currently employed in an organization and doing quite well with my professional life. I have been in a complicated relationship with a girlsince the last two years. The problem that she reveled about being married to some other guy only much later. She is now divorced and after almost a year of separation, we started seeing each other again. Moreover, I am from a Chhetri family while she a Newar. Although I love her immensely, I am unable to talk about our relationship at home. On the other hand, my family constantly pressurizes me to get married. I find it really toilsome and desperately want to solve this situation. Please help me with your suggestion.

I do not understand why you find it complicated. Are you guys not compatible, not in love and do not share the same values? If it was complicated by her marriage then that is also over. You have a fresh start now. You are in your early 30s and it is normal for your parents to pressurize you for marriage. That’s how it is with parents all over the world. I suggest that you take your time here. She was just single recently and it’s time to let her do what she wants for a while. Have conversations with her about the future and be kind to her needs as well. She must have some plans about her life and what she wants to do. I don’t think it should be a problem going in to a Chhetri family. It’s up to you how comfortable you can make for her in your parents’ house if you decide to live with them. Maybe she has different views of living with the in-laws after her first marriage. Once you are sure, then it will be time to introduce her. And be open about it with your parents. It might take some time but you will get there.

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