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Published On: October 18, 2017 09:14 AM NPT By: Republica

Heart to Heart with Malvika

Heart to Heart with Malvika

Learn to deal with rejection

 

Dear Malvika,
First of all, lots of love! I always go through your column and find myself at peace looking at your answers. I am a 36-year-old female and am happily married with a four-year-old son. But lately, I’ve started to feel attracted toward women. Although initially I was confused about my feelings, I now feel strongly that’d be more satisfied with other women. It is not that I am not attracted to my husband anymore, but he thought of being with women makes me happier. Do you think I am a lesbian and what could happen if I disclosed it to my family? These thoughts have been disturbing me. Please help me out.

Thank you for sending in all the love. And a very difficult question too. You haven’t given the background about yourself regarding your sexuality. Was it a love marriage with your husband? Were you attracted to him before? Were you attracted to men before you got married? If yes and now you feel that you are attracted to women then you could be bisexual. If no then one can’t be sure unless you actually have a sexual or romantic experience with a woman to be sure whether you are a lesbian or not.  Most women find women attractive even though they might be straight. And most men do not find men attractive if they are straight. Women are sexual beings and that is the way it is, even though it is men who might experiment with sex more as per the belief. In this situation unless you are completely sure, I believe you should not disclose it at the moment. Sole attraction is not enough for you to make life-changing decisions. I feel that unless you actually fall in love with a woman or develop feelings for someone, don’t come to a conclusion. Bisexuality is the most confusing aspect in sexuality where one can be attracted to both the sexes. So enjoy what you have right now, and figure things out. Unless you are sure of it, no one can determine things for you. 

Dear Malvika,
Initially I was hesitant to write to you regarding my problem thinking it would expose my problem to everybody, but I feel suffocated now and look up for your expert advice. I am in a relationship with a coworker. He is a gentleman, professional and hardworking. His work requires him to talk to clients everyday whereas mine doesn't. Some months ago, he became friends with a young female client. They talk to each other over phone almost all day long and whenever she asks him for any favor, he does everything to help her. He seldom talks to me now. I hear them jesting over phone everyday and it hurts me all the time. I had expressed him about my feelings and both of them know about it but they seem unaffected. I try to be strong and remind myself that I shouldn't be bothered about whoever he talks to but then after hearing them talk I find myself crying almost every day. I think I am going to quit my job. I think that would only be one permanent solution. 

I am a little confused as to at what point did you feel that he liked you. From what you have written here it seems that he avoided meeting you outside work. Some people might be nice to you at work but that doesn’t mean they might be attracted to you. I am not sure if this is a case of the mistaken feelings but it might be. You need to learn how to be able to handle rejection. It seems that he is not interested in you and there is nothing you can do here but let go. You can’t force someone to feel for you. It is a natural process and I feel that you are wasting your time and feelings by letting it affect you. If it really affects you so much and you feel that you cannot tolerate them at all then do what you feel is best. But I will tell you this, what if the same thing happens in another place and with someone else. The main important aspect here is that we all have to learn how to handle rejection and be able to deal with awkwardness like in your situation. You need to tell yourself that this was not meant to be and that you need to move on. Try to avoid them as much as possible or just request him to keep it on the low as of now. 

Dear Malvika,
I am 24-year-old girl currently living in Belgium. I came to Belgium only some months ago for my studies. Back at home, I had been in a relationship with a guy for three years. We had great times together, but he used to drink almost every day and got abusive sometimes. The next morning he would apologize and despite me requesting him not to drink, he would drink again. This continued for a while. So we broke up just before I left for Belgium. Recently, the office he worked at had to shut and he was left jobless. As a result, he has started drinking more and is getting increasingly aggressive. Though we broke up a few months ago, but seeing him like this makes me feel guilty that I left him and he has to suffer alone. I feel like talking to him but his anger and abuse scares me. What do you think I should do?

Your ex has mental issues which he needs to sort out before he leads anyone into his life. Being drunk and abusive is not normal. He is an alcoholic and he needs to go to rehab. So don’t put the blame on to yourself. It’s high time that women stop making themselves feel guilty about not being able to “save” or “cure” a man. It is not our duty. We might do it out of love but that is not just what women are meant for. You have a life too and you need to focus on your career and studies. You did what you had to do and that doesn’t make you a less of a human being. You are even scared to make a phone call, and I can’t imagine the trauma that you went through with this guy. You tried your best and were with him for three years. And like I said there is only so much one can do. Unless he doesn’t fix his life and take control of it, things will not change.  People with mental issues will always make you feel negative. So if you can talk to his friends or family ask them to take him to rehab and also to a therapist. When he is sober and sees some sense then maybe you can talk to him. 

Dear Malvika,
I am 28-year-old male and I have completed my Bachelor’s degree in Business Studies. I am a teacher and earning enough to take care of my needs. When I first started off with this profession, I had thought it would last for a year or so and then I would go on to do my Master’s degree. But although many years have passed, I have not been able to join courses or even quit my job. I feel helplessly worried about my future as I feel stuck in my profession. I had tried with some professional courses but due to hectic work schedule, I could not complete them and all my efforts were in vain. Now I have grown older and I feel like I should do something concrete. But I am still unsure if I want to continue with the profession. I have been thinking of starting a business or completing my studies. Would it be too late to start with the studies and leaving the job be a stupidity? Please suggest me. 

At your age getting an EMBA would be prefect. Maybe join a college which has courses in the weekend which will leave you ample time to work and study at the same time. Once you have many gap years it is always difficult to go back to studies. But it’s not impossible too. If you want to succeed in your career a master’s degree is a must these days. If working as a teacher is monotonous then you can try getting into other fields where you are most comfortable. As for the business aspect, do not go into it unless you have done ample research and have the right investment to support it. I am sure you know that to get into a profit zone it will take some years to do so. So set your priorities straight and take one thing at a time.  Look into your financial condition and decide what is right for you at this time. Whether you can afford to study and work, or do business. Because if you want to start a new business you will have to give it your all and studying will not fit into your agenda. 

Send your questions to 
gennext@myrepublica.com or mycity@myrepublica.com with the subject line “Gennext-Heart to Heart with Malvika” or post it on our facebook page at facebook.com/gennextnepal.

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