It’s the story of many lives – not often do relationships end in a happily ever after. Every relationship comes with its set of complexities different or similar to the ones we’ve experienced ourselves. We as a generation are open about the letting go, moving on and recovering from past mistakes and hoping more often than not that there’s light at the end of every relationship. But that more often than not doesn’t come easily and sometimes relationships leave us scarred for what we expect next.[break]
Someone I know was in an unrequited relationship of five long years. She was in college then, and the first time she really thought she could spend the rest of her life with this man despite meeting him only five times in that time since they lived in different continents! She was adamant that she would work through this long distance without realizing that at the end she was the only one still trying. Some would say, foolish girl! But, I’m sure we’ve all wrongly trusted our gut at some point. That’s what she did. She waited – with her phone by her side, so she wouldn’t miss a call; waking up at weird hours on countless nights, only to be online at his time; holding close the memories of him, after all, that’s all she had.
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Her friends warned her. There were times she agreed with them, and then there were those she lived in denial. Why did she refuse to believe it was over? Because she was naïve. She didn’t read the signs that said “He’s using you to his comfort and convenience.” She wanted to believe there was more to the years she had spent waiting on him to turn around and reaffirm her feelings. But the main reason was that she was afraid of being lonely.
Suddenly, almost by accident, she met someone else. Initially, she bonded over their shared interest for photography, and later over time shared the misery of broken hearts. He wanted to get married to someone he had dated for six years until one fine day she broke up with him. He was shattered.
So was his newfound friend. Let’s call the guy B and the girl M for clarity. M and B had more in common than broken hearts and common interest. They realized they could be at more ease with each other. They could actually connect without pretense in being honest about the place they were at and in how crazy they have had been over the years. It was comfort more than attraction that made them 4am friends, with both living under the constant shadows of their pasts.
In all the time M had spent thinking about her elusive guy. She was confused, delusional and went through an emotional rollercoaster. Take this with a pinch of salt, but she started to wonder if it was true that you needed another woman/man to get over a terrible present. B made her stop fighting for the man, M spent many years pining for. He made her realize that she deserved so much more. He remembered little things about her that surprised M because she didn’t expect it. He took her out to coffee just to cheer her up at three in the morning. He spoke to her till wee hours while she cried herself to sleep over her past. All this when he had enough of his own mess to deal with and wrap around his head. She has immense respect for him and now a soft corner too. But she’s not ready yet to take that leap of faith with someone again and let go off a storm in her past that has, well, only just passed!
This is not an exclusive story. The bottom line is everyone comes with a baggage of some kind – a crushed heart, a bad mistake, a broken marriage, etc. There are some who give up on relationships that break them because of cheating, abuse, lack of commitment, possessiveness, among a long list of reasons, but take a long time to recover. Some who don’t give up on relationships because they’ve invested so much time and energy in the person and also because they choose to hold on the bare bones of a love turned asunder over the fear of the unknown. Others who might move on but they can’t let go of their experiences and end up doubting the next person they are with and anticipating the same all over again.
Like M said, “I want to step out with faith into the future, but I feel like I’m not there yet to take the leap. I know I’m not ready and that I need time to recover, and if B is whom I end up with, I’ll see him at the end of this road and then it’ll mean much more than it ever has.”
It’s important to give ourselves time to recover, to heal, and to make things clearer and life comes together. In the process, if you find someone, keep an open mind. You could end up giving up on a compatible partner for you’re inhibited by your past or overly protective of yourself. Definitely, don’t rush into things you know you can’t handle but don’t judge him based on your past or his, for he might’ve been through a rough patch just like you have, but he’s chosen to hold you and tell you, “You’ll be alright.”
The writer is an aspiring storyteller (and an agony aunt).
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