Be patient and give yourself time

Dear Malvika,
I am a mother of two beautiful girls, 10 and 15 years old. I divorced my husband. My daughters are amazing but they blame me for not being able to see their father. I have requested my husband to visit the girls, spend time with them and explain the situation to them but he has ignored all my requests. How do I explain to my daughters that I am not the one to blame for what has happened to our family? How do I tell them that their father won’t visit them because he is ashamed of his infidelity and has a too big of an ego to accept his mistake?  I don’t want my daughters to disrespect their father because of what happened between me and him, but I want them to understand that I can’t be his wife anymore. How do I do this?
Separating from a spouse, especially with children involved, is never easy. It will definitely take some time before everyone gets used to the fact. It is a new change for your children and definitely some blame game will happen at this moment. It would have been great if the two of you could sit down and explain to your kids that you cannot be happy together, and that there would be regular visitation.

That would have been the matured thing to do, so that they have a prosperous childhood. Since your soon-to-be ex-husband isn’t complying with the situation, give them some time to adjust. Children are smart; they will realize that you are not the one keeping them apart from their father. Have them call their father and make them talk to him regularly. Anytime they want to meet him or go visit his place, let them do that. If your ex lives with the parents then leave your children there during weekends. And with time do explain it to them that you are not meant to be together and that everything will be fine. A 15-year-old might be hard to handle, with teenage hormones creating confusion. So be patient and give yourself and them some time. 

Dear Malvika,
I am 16-year-old girl and recently had an intimate encounter with my female friend. I am really scared now because I have never dated anyone. And I never thought that I was interested in girls. Now I am confused about whether I am really interested in girls or it’s just a phase? How can I be true to my identity? Please help me figure out this confusion? 
As a teenager there will be many firsts in your life. It’s the second and the third thereafter that matters. For most lesbians, it’s the first encounter that changes their lives and makes them realize that they are interested in girls. Some realize it as a child, some quite late in life. The question here is, whether you enjoyed the encounter or not. Did it excite you or were you disgusted? You are at the peak of curiosity about many things in life. And sex and sexuality is one of them. And you are not alone. Every teenager goes through this curiosity and firsts in life. I cannot vouch here whether your preference has changed. That can only be figured out if it happens many a times. Being interested in girls or being a lesbian is not a phase. Either you are a lesbian or not. One could also be bisexual where people are interested in both the sexes. Start reading up on sexuality and just calm down. You are still young. Focus on your studies and career. Now that is what you should be more curious about at the moment. And be safe! 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 23-year-old man and I have been using drugs for past 3 years. It has really affected my studies and relationship with my family. If I don’t do drugs, I don’t feel like that I can function properly and I am hooked on it. I don’t know what to do, I tried rehab but it didn’t work for me. Could you please give me some ideas on how I can break this addiction?
I am really sad to know that you gave up on rehab. You haven’t been clear as to how long you were there and when did you relapse and what did you do to make it better. I personally know few people who are former drug users and I know that the journey to be clean wasn’t easy for them. In most rehabs there are three major things that are mentioned after leaving. First is to continue the fellowship that you maintained with other people who were in the rehab so that it works as a support system. Second is to attend Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings regularly; with the group that you are comfortable with. Third is to change people, place and things that triggered you to use drugs.

Now this is easier said than done and most people do relapse. For drug users, psychological counseling has proven to be one of the best solutions. So I suggest if all else has failed then why not go for counseling on a regular basis. These psychological counseling are different from the ones that happen in rehab. You will have to consult a professional doctor and Dristi Nepal is running counseling sessions at the moment. And you can contact them if you are interested. You can find them on Facebook. But you have to promise yourself that you will get out of it. It’s you and only you who can do that. So good luck! 

Dear Malvika,
I have been studying abroad for two years now. I loaned Rs. 10,000 to one of my trusted friends but he is now out of contact. My parents will be very disappointed if they find out about the situation. What do I do?
You can bid that money good bye and think that you are a generous person who helped a friend in need. If you have the means to return the money to your parents then do so. Otherwise confess to them and bear the brunt for a while. It was not your money to be used in the first place. Borrowing and lending money is a very tricky thing in friendships. And you should not be blind about it. If you felt at that point that he deserved to be helped then accept your decision but you should also have the courage to face the consequences. So when you start earning money, you can always pay your parents back. But be mindful of who you lend money to from the next time. And I believe this was a good experience for you to learn about trust and friendship. 

Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

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