Experience in the 20’s matters in the 30’s

Dear Malvika,

I am a 26-year-old guy who has recently graduated and who is currently working in an agency. I live in my brother and sister-in-law’s house. Since my parents retired while I was still at college, my brother took care of my studies and paid for all of my expenses. It has been a while since I feel suffocated at the house that I am living in. My sister-in-law doesn’t treat me so well and even my brother doesn’t pay attention to me. Now that I have been earning for myself, I feel a little independent and want to move out to live on my own but I still feel obliged to my brother and sister-in-law since they were the ones who took care of me in my days of need, because of which I have been indecisive on what to do. Can you please suggest me something?

It’s not easy living with your family in your mid 20’s . There will always be certain issues that create problems. Since you started earning, have you been contributing in the house? If no, then that might be one issue. Do you share household chores? If not that could be another issue. You should keep asking your sister-in-law, what you can do around the house and how you can contribute. That will make things easier for you. If things do not improve, then it’s better to move out. It might be difficult for them to say anything to you as you are the younger brother. And most of the time miscommunication or no communication is the major problem among families. If you want to make it better, start noticing the on-goings of the house and try and find out what is bothering them. You can also have a heart-to-heart talk with your brother. He will definitely understand you. And hopefully share things with you as well.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 22-year-old girl studying in the final year of my bachelor’s degree. I have been performing well in my studies and my teachers and colleagues support and encourage me to pursue further education. But the problem is since a year, I have been receiving marriage proposals from my relatives. Although I have been refuting these proposals time and again, my parents seem to be interested. After having refuted a couple of times, my parents now have been insisting that I get ready for marriage. I feel that I can excel as a scholar, but that would only be possible if I could pay undivided attention to my studies. On the other hand, I feel guilty about not being able to respect to my parents’ wishes. I am in a great dilemma, could you please help me?

I am totally against marriages at a very young age and at 22, you definitely are in a young phase of life. I was just beginning my career at 22. If I had gotten married then, I don’t know what would have happened. 20’s are about learning and experiencing new things, not about settling down and dealing with marriage. Marriage is a lifelong commitment with a person and during your 20’s you will go through various changes. You are just not the same person every two years, you priorities keep changing. Therefore, what you want in your early 20’s could change when you turn 25 or 28. Trust me, this is true for most people. So, finish your studies, get good work experience, travel the world and meet new people. What you learn in your 20’s is what you will use in your 30’s. So be strong and keep up the fighting spirit. Our parents love us but sometimes their interests will not match up with what we want in life. And for that you will need to convince them for a long period of time. At the same time, you have to focus on your career and make sure you excel at what you do. When they see you doing great at your career, they will realize that you made the right choice by choosing career over marriage at that age.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 23-year-old guy and have been in a relationship with a girl for the past four months now. We first met in college and within the second month of having known each other, I confessed my feelings to her.  She accepted my proposal and since then we have been seeing each other. We often meet and have a good time together. I have confessed my feeling time and again and she tells me that she loves me too. But I feel that she never gives me the attention that I seek, and she seems to be closer to other friends rather than me. I feel insecure and confused and this has been affecting my peace of mind. Should I continue with the girl and trust her or move on with my life. I really need your suggestion.

Love does not mean that you are bound to that person. Love also does not mean that you are the only one she has to be close to. Of course, we all have different meanings of love and relationships. If you are a person who wants your partner to just give you attention and if she is the kind of person who needs her space and wants to be close to her friends too then, there might be a problem here. But there are solutions to it too. Closeness comes with friendship and insecurity is a result of that. If she cannot tell you her issues and her problems then you cannot be close. You need to be the best of friends in order to invite closeness. Have you created that safe space for her where she can come and do the same? If not, then she will not want to be close to you. She might love you but not as a friend. Do you share similar interests and have fun together? If not, that also could be another problem. I suggest you keep an open mind, find out what she likes and make sure you participate in it. Show interest in the things she does and listen to her often. That will make all the difference. But if you let your insecurities get to you and demand the attention, it will not work out.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 34-year-old woman currently living in Kathmandu. I was married to the guy I loved eight-years-ago and we moved abroad. There I came to know that he was a drug-user and partook in drugs regularly. Slowly, I was influenced by him and started doing drugs as well. With time, we fell out of love.  After I went abroad, I never talked to my family. The addiction had gotten us to spend lesser time with each other while I got weaker and unhealthy. My husband and I finally got divorced and my family brought me back home. Now, I am seeing a guy who was also married but is divorced now. I find we are compatible to marry each other, but my family seems to be really concerned about it and have been constantly reminding of my mistake of the past. They fear that I might just commit another huge mistake and are trying to convince me to give it serious thought. I am really confused and alone. What do you think I should do?

As a past drug user, first of all I hope that you are in good health now and seek a happy life. You haven’t mentioned here when you got divorced and how long your current relationship has been. After being in a complicated relationship before, it is advisable to take your time before you decide to get married. You can live together and get to know each other better. Spend a few years knowing each other. The concern from your family is definitely justified. They must have seen you the worst phases of your life, and I am certain they do not want you to go through any more bad experiences. So take your time and make sure this time everyone knows him well and that you have known him for quite a few years before you take the plunge. I mean, what’s the hurry, it’s a lifelong commitment right?

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