Don’t take decisions in haste

Dear Malvika,

I am a 28-year-old married woman working at a reputed IT company. I hold a good designation and I am paid well. I have maintained good relationships with my colleagues, and I enjoy my work. Since the last six months, my in-laws, including my parents, have been pressuring me to conceive my first baby. I am not against the idea but I am not comfortable with the idea of having a baby at this phase of my life when my career and job is heading in a progressive path. I think having a baby would divert my focus and attention from my job which I don’t want. I have expressed this to my parents, who understand, but I am having a hard time convincing my in-laws. Could you please give me some advice?

Do not have a baby just because someone is pressurizing you to. I get angry just thinking that people with such draconian ideas still exist; people who think we are a baby-making-machine. You should only conceive–when you are ready, mentally and physically. I had a baby at 34. It was my decision to do so and I prepared myself really well for it. I decided to conceive at a time when I knew I wouldn’t have too much work, and I would be able to make time for the baby. I did miss out on many jobs but it was a decision I held on to. The first six months after the birth of the baby is the most difficult one where you struggle as a mother and a working woman. But you will get there. People will try and make you feel guilty for leaving your child and going to work but they will never say that to the father. If you prepare well, you can resume your work after three months. I used to pump milk and send it to my son after I started working. I made sure to spend quality time with him and kept constant note of his progress. I feel guilty at times for leaving him but I know that I cannot be a stay-at-home mom and I need to work to pay the bills. These days work policies have become more sensitive to women’s pregnancy matters. Every day there are hundreds of women going back to work after having babies and that is something you can do it for sure. After the baby, I have realized that there is so much that I can do as he has given me that strength and courage. So, I suggest that you understand your body and listen to your heart before making a decision. Don’t make hasty decisions or decisions because of other people. You will regret it later.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 24-year-old guy currently working in a development organization. I have recently graduated and have been working ever since. I am in a relationship with a girl. It was not so serious in the beginning, but we have been together for three years now. I work away from home and I have a few female friends from work. My girlfriend is very insecure about me being close to my friends. We have often quarreled on this issue but now I feel like I’ve had enough of these quarrels. I know that we need to communicate to sort it out but she hardly wants to discuss anything with me. What should I do?

You are not the only one going through this issue. I hear this on a daily basis from every other person. I too have been in situations where I have felt insecure about my partner’s friends. You cannot expect her to understand it just like that. You have to create that situation first and start introducing her to your friends if you haven’t yet. Make sure that she talks to them regularly so that there aren’t any competitive vibes growing. You need to be honest of where you are and who you are with. If you have a long distance relationship, make sure you give her all the attention she needs and make sure there is no one to distract you when you are talking over the phone with her. Make her feel like she is the only one. I am sorry but relationships take a lot of effort. You cannot expect the person to understand just because you communicate. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. I have also been in situations where my partner hid the fact that he was close to a girl. And the more I confronted him, the more he lied. He kept insisting that they were just friends but he always lied about meeting her or going to her place and I could never trust their friendship because of this. He became indifferent towards me when he started becoming friends with her. No matter how many times he told me they were just friends, I could never trust him. We want to feel like we are the only woman in the lives of our men which might not be true but we still want to have that especial space in their lives.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 26-year-old married woman. It has been a year since I got married to my husband. We had a love marriage and there is no doubt that he loves me the way I do him. However, since a couple of days I have been noticing some changes in his behavior towards me. I don’t know but it feels like he is not spending enough time with me like he used to before. At times, I feel possessive and insecure seeing his behavior towards me and keep on thinking over and over again on the fact that whether he is happy with me. I feel insecure thinking that he doesn’t have any one special other than me in his life. I tried to tell him about his behavior but he did not pay much attention to whatever I said. I want to figure out what is going wrong with us. I want our relationship to go smooth. What do you think I should do?

Being in a relationship and being married are two different things. In a relationship, if you are not living together, then you do have some time apart from each other and that helps the relationship thrive. In marriage, that ‘we’ time is very important to keep it going. A couple of days do not mean anything bad. There must be something going on within him or something at work might be distracting him. So, just let him be for now because the more you ask questions, the more it will irritate him. There is nothing wrong with you but one cannot constantly think about the other person too. I suggest you do your thing, and let him do his. He will come back to you once he figures out the distance in-between. Just be there for him and make him feel loved. For many people constant togetherness does not work, they need their space, they need to go out and meet other people. You just have to trust him and let him be. If this goes on for months, then have an issue that you needs working on.

Dear Maivika,

I am a 16-year-old boy who recently appeared for the SEE exams. I am confused regarding my further studies. I like writing poems and painting thus, I want to study humanities or fine arts but my parents have been insisting that I study science. I feel like I would perform well on what I am passionate about, but my parents don’t want me to take crucial decisions on my own. They want me to follow what they have been suggesting. They have been planning and preparing me for a science college but I am extremely confused on what I should do. Should I follow them or should I follow my heart?

You are just 16, but you have passion at this age which is a great thing. Nepali parents do want what’s best for their children, but they seldom listen to what their children want. You need people by your side to convince them about what you want to study. This could be your teachers, someone you can talk to or someone your parents listen to as well. Once you go against your parents desires, there will be many challenges. You will have to convince them, show them that you are really good at what you do and you can make money out of it. In the end, that is what they want. If the convincing doesn’t work and you do end up studying science, see how it goes for two years in high school and you can always change it back to the arts.

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