Kadi´s Memoirs: A Life Well-lived
On the day of her wedding, 11-year-old Anju wakes up to the gentle pat of someone on her cheek. As she fully opens her eyes, she sees a thin, handsome figure staring at her with a smile on his face.
He’s a complete stranger. Yet mesmerized by his smile she finds herself gazing at him without unease.
“Who can this person be,” she tries to recall.
A clue then strikes her mind. “Maybe my groom,” she thinks. Her eyes gleam and a smile automatically slips out.
“Do you know me?” the stranger asks.
She nods her head.
“That charming smile appears again on his face.”
“Do you care for me?” Another question.
She nods her head again still gazing at him.
Noticing those eyes fixed on him, he throws another question: “Do you really like me?”
She replies back with the same nod.
“Then why aren’t you talking to me?”
Soon as he drops this question her mother enters the room.
Anju gets up from the place where she is sleeping and stands beside her. Her mother then starts talking to the stranger.
“She’s very young and you’re taking her far away,” she says. “She’s your responsibility now.”
This is a part of conversation between Anju Poudel (now Dixit) and Kamal Mani Dixit (the stranger) mentioned in ‘Tyo Goro Haat’, a compilation of short Nepali stories written by Anju. It took place on June 12, 1949 at Anju’s home in Sarlahi district.
At that time Kamal – currently a renowned litterateur, chairman of Salt Trading Corporation and founder of Madan Puraskar – was a 20-year-old college graduate working in the Indian city of Kolkata, whereas Anju was a grade 5 student.
“She was just a child at that time who didn’t know anything about life,” Kamal recalls. “But since my parents had arranged the marriage for me I had to oblige to whatever they said. That was how society functioned at that time. We never disobeyed our parents.”
After the wedding, both of them come to Kathmandu and start living with Kamal’s parents. However, Kamal has to leave for Kolkata to continue his work. Anju is then enrolled in Basant College in Banaras, India, where she pursues her secondary level education.
“The separation did not have much effect on me probably because I was not an intriguingly romantic person,” Kamal says. “But I used to wait eagerly for her letters, which I used to receive twice a month at the most.
“The mails would not contain much – except formal greetings and good wishes for each other. And I didn’t expect more than that from a 12 or 13-year-old. But I cannot explain why I was always looking forward to receiving them.”
The process of communicating through letters finally ends in 2011 BS when Kamal is recalled to work in Kathmandu. He also calls Anju back to the capital from where she completes her high school examination, SLC.
But living together does not give them the privilege of living as husband and wife.
“My family, including my parents, was at the service of Rani Jagadamba Kumari Devi Rana at that time and we were living with her in her palace,” he says. “All we were given to stay was a small space in a big hall partitioned by curtains, which didn’t have privacy.”
Once again Kamal accepts whatever is given to him by his parents as an obedient son. He doesn’t object.
They get a separate room only after Kamal and his parents move to their house in Patan Dhoka in Lalitpur district.
“So it can be said we started our married life as a husband and wife almost 10 years after our marriage,” Kamal says. And soon after that their first son Kunda Dixit (currently editor of Nepali Times) is born. In 2016, their second son Kanak Mani Dixit (currently editor of Himal Southasian) is born and in 2018 they have their third child and first daughter Rupa Dixit.
The couple starts living an independent life only after 2026BS when Kamal’s parents move to live with his younger brother (in today’s Rato Bangala complex).
Since that time the couple has spent some of the memorable days of their lives together bonding their relationship in ways “which cannot be explained”.
“After we started living on our own we traveled a lot mostly to attend the meetings of Rotary. We went to Singapore, the US, Scotland, France and China and my wife always used to be with me. I was very happy with that,” Kamal says.
Gradually Kamal’s dependency on Anju also begins to grow. “She knew my favorite food and I liked dishes prepared by her. She was also my wardrobe manager – she knew exactly what I liked to wear and she used to pack everything for me when I had to travel alone,” he says. “I also liked the sweaters she used to knit for me and I only used to put on one made by her. She was also a perfect gardener.
“In fact, she was good in everything that she did. That’s why people used to call her a perfect housewife.”
But now things have changed.
For the last 10 years that active woman and that better half of Kamal is suffering from Alzheimer’s.
“Today she cannot eat or drink by herself. She cannot go to toilet on her own either,” Kamal says. “The only things she does these days are smile when people are around and blurt out occasional words like ‘ouch’ when there is intense pain. But most of the time she sits still like a statue without any expression on her face.”
This transition has not been an easy one for him but “what can I do”. “I should have known something was amiss in her when she couldn’t recollect events of the past while writing her autobiography. But Alzheimer’s wasn’t a common disease back then and nobody knew much about it,” he says.
Even today Kamal tries to spend as much time with her. “I have my morning tea with her and we watch television together, though I’m not sure whether she understands what is being said,” he says. “I am also doing all I can to prolong her life.” But he knows her condition is gradually getting worse and she’s not going to get better.
“I’m happy we’ve both shared wonderful days together. Most of the times we were blissfully happy, except for minor disputes we used to have on rare occasions. And I’ll always miss the marital bliss,” he says. “But I cannot always dwell on the things of the past. We have to move on and I think that’s what I’m trying to do.”
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Perhaps Love
In late 1978, parents of Nir Shah, now a renowned actor, movie producer, director and lyricist, ask him to come along with them to meet the family of the girl whom they had chosen for him.
That was the time when Shah’s parents were receiving lots of marriage offers. “But I was always rejecting them saying I was not prepared for it,” he says.
This time, however, 24-year-old Shah decides to follow them.
“Upon reaching the venue - the temple inside Balaju Park (in Kathmandu) – I see a petite looking figure clad in a blue sari,” Shah recalls. She was 17 and had just completed higher secondary education from St Mary’s School.
“She looked very fair and her long hair was tied in a bun,” Shah describes. “But it was her eyes that attracted me the most. They were big – not exceptionally big though – and they seemed to be carrying truth in one and honesty in the other…. She looked very beautiful”
On the other hand Shah was looking “horrible.” “As a person who never liked to put on formal dresses, I was wearing a dark green jeans and a green pullover,” he says almost breaking out in a laugh. “Years later she told me she was expecting me to wear a suit or something formal.”
The day passes without both of them uttering a single word except “hello.” But even the silence helps to connect the emotions of the two.
“After that meeting, we both felt we had a very special feeling for each other. I cannot explain what it was but I had never felt like this for anyone before,” Shah says. “I don’t know the meaning of love but if that is how people describe love then probably I was in love.”
This feeling encourages him to take the marriage offer seriously and a couple of days later he calls her to give some shape to the “unknown thing.”
“Our talks basically revolved around our interests in food, clothes, music, movies, books and all that stuff,” he says. “And I found her very frank which made our conversation very smooth.”
After that he again meets her at her place and later takes her on a date to Nagarkot. That was their first outing together.
“At that time going on a date (before marriage) was not common. The society was very conservative and girls were restricted from going out with a boy on their own. I was happy that her family gave us the opportunity to know each other well,” Shah says.
The visit to Nagarkot turns out to be a fruitful one in “strengthening our budding relationship.” There he also finds out how simple and down to earth she was.
“During our conversation, she used to have pretty difficult time trying to understand my in-depth views on various issues. Yet she never pretended to know everything and boasted of things she was not sure of. This was another of her characteristics which I really liked.”
They also talk about poetry and a couple of songs Shah had penned. “However, years later when I asked her how she felt that day she told me that she was nervous 80 percent of the time. It was because she was out on her fist date,” Shah says.
As they start meeting each other they also start to open up. Around this time he also discusses about his profession which he didn’t want to quit for the sake of marrying a girl. Shah, at that time, was struggling to create a name as an actor in the movie industry.
“It was tough on her part as society during that time had not recognized acting as a respectable profession,” Shah says. “Probably other girls of her caliber would have rejected the marriage proposal. But she completely understood my interest and the situation I was in and she was comfortable with it.
“It’s probably because of these factors that I decided to take her as my life partner.”
(Nir Shah and Usha Rana were married on March 5, 1979. They will celebrate their 30th marriage anniversary this year.)
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I’ve lived a wonderful life: Bhola Rijal
Sarala Ghimire was only 12 when the marriage offer came for her. It had come from a Rijal family of Purano Bazar in Dharan.
“My parents found the offer appealing as it had come from a family with a good reputation,” Sarala said. “But they could not make a decision immediately as I was very young.
“Later when the Rijals promised to continue sending me to school after the marriage my family agreed.”
The date was then fixed: June 18, 1962.
At that time Sarala was a pampered little girl. She was the youngest of 16 siblings and did not have any sense of responsibility.
“I never helped anyone to do household chores,” Sarala said. “I didn’t even know how to prepare tea. Whereas, after marriage, girls were expected to cook for their in-laws and husband.
“My family members still talk about the day when I didn’t serve a glass of water to my sick brother when he asked for it.”
Due to this careless and carefree attitude, Sarala had to face lots of problems. “But I was lucky as my father-in-law used to favor me and treat me like his own daughter,” she said.
However, she never took advantage of his love and started learning everything. “I learned how to prepare dishes and how not to create a mess in the kitchen. I learned how to wash clothes and how to get water from the tube-well. I also learned to use both my hands while serving elders,” she said.
All this while, her husband, 15-year-old Bhola Rijal, now a renowned gynecologist and lyricist, was preparing for his high school examination, SLC. Soon after passing the exams, he went to Banaras, India, to pursue higher secondary education. He then went to Bangladesh for MBBS.
“Living together as husband and wife was very rare in those days. We only used to meet once in six months or a year,” Sarala said. “But that did not affect our relationship as we both were committed to each other and had love and respect for one another.
“Besides he was on his way to becoming a medical doctor. And I knew the fruit of my relentless wait would be sweet.”
The couple had to wait until 2029 BS to live together. By that time he had completed his MBBS and had returned to Nepal. Bhola then joined public service.
As a civil servant he was first sent to work in a health clinic in Taulihawa district. The Rijal family stayed there for around two years.
Bhola was then transferred to Rajbiraj, where he and his family lived for around three years. He was later posted to Taplejung, Sankhuwasabha and Solukhumbu after which he went to Bangladesh to pursue post graduate education.
Sarala and three of their children also accompanied him during that visit. They stayed with him for around two years.
Upon his return to Nepal, the Rijal family moved to Kathmandu from Biratnagar, where their in-laws used to stay. Bhola then joined the TU Teaching Hospital in Kathmandu and later opened his own Om Hospital.
In all these years, Bhola has accomplished what very few in the country have achieved. He’s the first male gynecologist of Nepal and creator of the first test tube baby in the country.
Despite her husband’s success Rijal’s wife is not swollen with pride. “Of course I am happy with the strides he has made but he had to struggle a lot to come to this point. Only those who become famous overnight act haughty,” Sarala said.
All along this medical journey, Bhola was also pursuing his passion for writing poems. He used to write from a young age and used to recite those during family gatherings, Sarala said. “However, in those days wives were not allowed to join family get-togethers. So I cannot exactly explain how they used to go.”
But being a wife of a person who also likes to write poems doesn’t mean they had an extraordinarily romantic life. “Romance wasn’t common among married couples in those days, especially in conservative Brahmin family like ours. And since we were living with the in-laws we didn’t have much privacy. But we are very intimate,” Sarala said.
“Looking back I must say we lived a very happy life without heated discussions and major disputes. I’ve lived a wonderful life.”
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