Today I contemplated suicide, again. Loneliness is taking control of me for I find myself shouting loudly at strangers without even meaning to. I find people around me giving me a strange look.

A look you would normally give a crazy person. I find myself losing control over my emotions. My mind is slipping slowly and I find myself slowly getting disoriented. Here’s what happens; a cool but a crawly sensation creeps up from the pit of my stomach and stealthily climbs up my head. All at once my spirits are swept from deadly nausea. My head feels like it’s floating in space. I feel completely free and all the concerns about life, about grades, family disappears. As I feel myself losing control, I sink my head in my hands and shout involuntarily at the top of my lungs.

I can feel a dark evil energy growing inside my body. Eventually, all this energy descends to my stomach, tying my stomach in knots. Then it starts churning intensely, moving sideways as I clasp my hands and clench my teeth in horror. This unfathomable pain is followed by deep soothing relaxation in my stomach. All the anger, frustration, the calm evil inside of me shoots up my head I feel like my eyes will fall out of my sockets. I feel as if my burning nose will bleed uncontrollably.

The knot in my stomach loosens and I feel coolness drifting through my body, my head swimming in pleasure. My mind drifts to an imaginary world with blue, cloudless sky with a smiling sun in the middle. For a while I feel myself moving and I hit the wall. Then, a white light comes booming down, giving me waves and waves of pleasure and taking me to somewhere distant. A switch flips on my head and I lose all sense of all time and place. 

Slowly I begin to regain my senses. Now the pressure has passed from my stomach to my brain. I can feel it creak and I shudder. I feel something crawling on the most delicate and vulnerable part of my ear. The sensation is half of tickling and half of pain and now starts to become unbearable. It clutches the part of the brain right above my sockets and begins swinging like a pendulum. My eyes roll, blink and twitch. I am now in utter confusion whether to laugh or cry for help. My ears begin to pierce and I feel as my brain is rotting. And so, I begin to remember my dear friends and ponder how they would react if they found out the state I am in.

I feel the warm blood flowing through the nerves in my body. Sloshing in, comfortably and steadily making me weak and helpless and funny. All the while all the frustrations are being stored somewhere in my subconscious and I can feel a sense of power growing inside of me. My self- esteem is steadily ascending and the warm blood keeps passing me a strange kind of a power and it suddenly shoots through the roof. 

A vision materializes and I can now see a fat rope gently falling towards me from above, rolling around my waist. Then, slowly it begins to lift me towards the clouded black sky. I feel weightless and begin floating through the warm stirring air, body limp and relaxed. As I move upwards I can feel the weight of the shoulders and stomach. All the hate and negative energies leave my body. Never have I felt so good before and I close my eyes to cherish the moment.

Then suddenly a spark of lightning comes crashing through the sky tearing the rope. With the weight of the rope in my waist, I fall down rapidly, my heart pounding heavily in my chest. I start to cry for help but my voice is lost amidst the roaring sky above.