‘You need an outlet to let go of the negativity’

Dear Malvika,
I am a 17- year- old girl currently taking a year gap after high school to prepare for MBBS entrance examination. I want to study environmental science as I am really passionate about it but I have not been able to share it with my parents. They are obsessed with me being a doctor and would go to any extent to make me one but that’s not what I want. I tried to tell them once but I could not because it felt like I was deceiving them and was shattering their dreams. I feel weak and cannot even utter a word whenever I think of telling them about my passion. I have been over thinking lately and feel depressed and get frequent suicidal thoughts because I feel like I can never fulfill my parents dreams and my own too. Whenever I try to think of any other way of convincing, I am afraid of the shame they’ll have to face because of me .I don’t know what to do .I can’t even concentrate and have become an insomniac .There’s nobody I can share my thoughts with and feel really helpless. How do I convince my parents?
The only way here for you is to be strong about it and be honest with your parents. At your age it’s not easy to have such deep conversations and be frank about what you want. One is always worried about the consequences and the scolding. My mother always wanted to be a doctor and so did I at a young age. It was during SLC I realized that science was not my thing. I wanted to study arts but there weren’t good colleges then so I chose commerce in the end. For many years she reprimanded me for not being a doctor but as I succeeded in my career she eventually stopped saying anything.

Parents love their child wholeheartedly. And studying medicine needs passion and interest in the subject. So I am sending you the courage to sit down with your parents and have that talk. Of course, it will not be easy for few weeks but trust me, it will be fine especially when they see you happy in what you love to do. If you cannot directly speak to them at first then I suggest you write all your feelings in a letter and give to them. Once they know how you feel they will support you no matter what. And there is no shame in not following other people’s dreams. These things are all socially constructed. Following your own dreams and passion and making sure you succeed will make you a better person.

And if that doesn’t help then you could reach out to a relative, cousin or sibling you are close to and can talk on your behalf to start the conversation. But you cannot expect things to be fine just like that. You need to have the conversation no matter how hard it is.
 
Dear Malvika,
I was lonely after I got left by someone who I believed was love of my life. I thought that I could never love anyone and be happy again. I was just 25 and had lost hope in life and focused more on building my career despite the pain I felt inside. I couldn’t ever accept anyone in life. I dated people who liked me but I couldn’t give them back the affection. After 7 years I found my ‘Mr perfect’ but little did I know what life had in store for me. Few months ago, I found out that his wife wanted to resolve their relationship. I knew he was married at the time I started dating him but he had convinced me that they were getting divorced. Now he is shocked and doesn’t know what to do and how to get out of it. I know she won’t divorce him so easily but he says he loves me and wants me to wait for him. I feel sad for her but at the same time I don’t want him to go to her or be near her. He is moving out of my place and going back to his home in a year. He wants me to trust him but I don’t see us getting a happy ending because of her. I feel hurt and guilty at the same time. What should we do now?
Was he always thinking of a divorce before he met you? What kind of a relationship did he have with his wife? I am curious about these questions. Marriage and divorces are the trickiest aspect of relationships. Even if one is unhappy in a marriage, it takes a lot of years and courage to get out of it. It basically leaves you mentally and physically drained.

Even if one wants to leave and the other doesn’t, it can be very confusing. The only thing you can do here is to trust him and be understanding about it. Once a person is torn between two people, they start comparing. I know it sounds like a lot of hard work but if you do want to make this work then patience is the answer. But if at any point you feel he is changing and rethinking the whole thing then you will have to let him go. I am sure you feel hurt but do not feel guilty. You fell in love with a man who you thought was getting out of a marriage. You are not the reason he was leaving his wife. But he needs to own up to his issues and resolve it himself. Otherwise, he will not be able to give you wholehearted love either so you could end up getting more hurt. So, honesty is the way to go forward for both of you. I hope this works out. All the best!



Dear Malvika,            
I am a 25-year- old woman and I have been getting depressed over certain things that occurred about 9 years ago in my life. During my college time, I had a crush on a guy and I was not the only one who liked him. One of my good friends liked him too and later when she found out that I liked him, she stopped talking to me. She started misbehaving with me and so did I as I was very immature back then. My feelings towards him only grew stronger as I thought he was giving me attention but when I found out that they had started dating, I stopped talking to him. I was upset for what I did and the way he treated me. All in all, recently I am losing my confidence and having mental breakdowns over what I did. I regret what I did in past and fought over for someone whom I meant nothing at all. I was immature at the time and my only fault was that I liked him. I spoiled my image and the friendship that I probably could have achieved. Liking and talking to him made me seem very bad in front of everybody (especially her and her friends). I really need help to get over this heavy feeling that I have been holding since 9 years. What should I do?
Aah! the joys and pain of young love. We have all been through. First of all, even if as friends if both of you happened to like the same guy why should it be just your fault? And she was the one who stopped talking to you first. You just retaliated about it. I don’t understand why you became the bad person in all this. That means she was never a good friend of yours in the first place. And everyone makes mistake as teenagers. That is a part of growing up. I have been through similar incidents in college where my friend started dating guys I liked. We did not talk for many years, of course but it was not the only reason on why we didn’t talk. But after several years she wrote to me on Facebook apologizing over what she had done previously. She doesn’t live in Nepal so we never had ways to mend our friendship. I forgave her for what she did to me then. But two friends breaking up their relationship for a guy is never right. The guy never is to be blamed for it.

If at that time you felt he was giving you attention but ended up dating your friend then he is also to be blamed for it and your friendship was never strong enough to endure that issue. So better see it as a teenage issue which has made you realize many things. If in the end you feel that you were at fault then reach out to her and talk to her again. There are always various ways to mend relationships; we just need to make that effort to do so. Maybe this will make you feel better and help you move on.
 
Dear Malvika ,
I am an 18-year-old boy and I feel unwanted by everyone including my parents. I feel like they just tolerate me for the fact that I am the member of the family. I feel like running away, from these people and to places where no one knows me. But then I realize I have nowhere to go. I broke up with my long term girlfriend just a few weeks ago. I don’t know if that is the reason why I feel like this. I see no motive and inspiration to live for. Help me find my lost reason to live.
Oh! You poor thing, said no one ever! You are just going through a heart break and at your age it feels like the end of the world and may be because of that you are not talking to anyone properly and perhaps even being rude to them. Being parents of a teenage boy is not easy. I was a teenager and I am a mother now. Having talked to parents of teenagers and remembering how I was one, I feel bad for all the parents. I would suggest you to get over your ex. You are still way too young to talk about committed relationships. I know it’s very difficult but trust me it will get easy with time. Many years later, you will probably laugh at what you went through. So take up some hobby, get involved in sports or any physical activity. Get out of that room and the gloom that you feel. Get some air and some exercise and pour that pent up anger and energy into it. You will feel much better.

You need some outlet to let go of the negativity that you feel. And once you do everything around you will change. You will be happier and feel that people around you are happy and treating you well. And I am sure you would want to look hot and have a great body for the next girl who comes along in your life so join that gym already.

Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

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