Jyoti Budhathoki

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Published On: September 9, 2019 10:00 AM NPT By: Jyoti Budhathoki

Why I stay quiet

Why I stay quiet

Picture Courtesy: darkbeautymag.com

Everyone has a different story and everyone is unique. It is said that life gives equal perks of happiness and sadness, but not everyone can be as lucky as those word sounds to be. Not every smile we see is a true smile as some smiles have thousands of desperations behind it, and how would I miss this chance? I also have such complications in my life that make me feel everyday life is like a war and a difficult to battle to fight. I breakdown each day because of the misery that has stayed as a burden in my life but I still keep quiet. There is nothing much I can do.

I've been cheated by my friends who were supposed to be the strength in my journey. My thought kills me from within as many of my vivid dreams have shattered in front of my eyes and I still keep quiet. I constantly get cut off during the conversation; I'm ignored when I need someone the most. The person who had told me to be together with has left me for no reason and I still keep quiet.

Whenever people ask me "How are you?" my response always is "I'm fine" even though I'm dying inside. Not even a single day has passed without pain and not even a single night has passed without shading silent tears. My depth screams with thoughts which wants to put a full stop from the handful time I have but I'm still quiet. There is nothing much I really can do.  

 I had lesser friends who could really stand aside me since my time at school. Even to those, I could only share a little of the feelings I pass through. When many people bellowed that my disease is contagious when they pushed me away through their eyes from a distance that they couldn’t even touch; I've been broken. But my broken emotions always stayed quiet.

It has been three years since when I knew that I was diagnosed with an incurable disease called Systemic Sclerosis. Since then, I've been emotionally broken. It's not that I never tried to pull myself up from the feelings of insecurities and doubts, despairs and miseries, rejections and avoidance, but, eventually, I lose belief and keep blaming myself for all that has happened, for all that I am suffering from.  Yet, there are voices that urge to cry, scream and lament for the pain I have, but, I still remain silent.

All these restrictions and prescriptions, pains and heartbreaks, regrets and cursed redemption have made me weak that I can't deny. I wish I had a company to hang out with, I wish I am healed the next morning I wake up even though I had such many countless prays and laments remembering the supreme power. But, I still remain silent as there's nothing much I can do.


why, I, stay, quiet,

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