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Published On: October 4, 2017 08:02 AM NPT By: Republica

What you want in life does not come easy- heart to heart with Malvika

What you want in life does not come easy- heart to heart with Malvika

Dear Malvika,
I am a 28-year-old gay writing to you for the second time. I am gay staying in the UAE however; I have currently been in Nepal for vacation. My family has been suggesting me to get married but I don’t want to get married knowing the fact that I have a different sexual orientation.

I have never been interested to girls and despite of trying myself to feel connected to them, I could not think of getting married to them. My parents on the other hand want me to get married and have kids like my other siblings. I am the youngest son to my parents and I don’t have plans to return to Dubai now. Neither can I fulfill their demands of living a normal life nor can I disappoint them.

Even if I want to inform them, I don’t have the courage to admit to my parents and my friends that I am gay. I am quite certain that they would not accept the fact but there is a hope that they would at the end. As everyone asking me to get married soon, I find myself in confusion and feel burdensome to live the duality in me. I wanted to become a musician since childhood but I think my ambition has been obstructed due to my sexual orientation. When I think about my future I feel it to be uncertain.

Had I not been gay I could have lived a normal life in my own terms.  Such thoughts come to my mind. What should I do?

Thank you for writing in the second time. The question here is what is normal these days? Nothing. What society depicts normal is not what we follow or have. But I can see that you still have not overcome your fear.

Having friends who are LGBTI, I can definitely say this that coming out is the best solution here. I have seen many  struggling for years and when they came out that was a sense of relief for them. The internal struggle that you go through every day is not worth it. It will be difficult for some time after you do, but once it happens that’s the best decision you will have ever made. If you are not thinking of going back why don’t you start working here? Financial independence also gives people courage.

I interviewed a lesbian couple for my show ‘Jeevan Sathi’ which is on you tube and their story has been inspirational to many. Marriage is not the solution; you will be destroying the other person’s life along with yours. What you want in life does not come easy.

Everyone struggles with the demon in them. What I do is, take time, not over think but concentrate on work. That has helped me a lot. With time everything will be fine and as long as you don’t come out in the open, your family will always pressure you into marrying. So the choice is yours now.

Dear Malvika,
I am in Korea for my master’s degree. I am very dedicated towards my study. Talking about my relationship I got dumped by my boyfriend for PR residence.

We had been in relationship for more than six years. I have been single for more than one year now. When I was in Nepal, my family handled me because of I was intensely affected by my breakup. When I moved to Korea I became lonely since everybody is busy here.

Then I meet a guy here, he is a Korean and we have been talking and meeting for several months now. He likes me, I like to be with him as well but I feel scared of our relationship. He is a humble person who cares about me and always provides me emotional support. It’s good to be in relationship but I find it hard to focus on my study though he reminds me to do so. I want to be with him forever but a part of me is scared to get rejected again. It is problematic, what do you think I should do?

Rejections are hard to deal with and one will have trust issues. Been there and done that. So I would suggest you to be open about it.

The way you have described this man sounds lovely. I always tell myself that even if someone betrays me, I will be fine as I am a strong person and in the end it is just me. No one will always be with you and sometimes you will have to rely on yourself.

Once you realize that, even if the thought of someone leaving you might scare you, once it does happen you will be able to deal with it no matter what. I don’t want you to let your past affect your present. As it is not fair on the other person.

If you are always sacred then it will affect your relationship with anyone who comes your way. So don’t make a big deal of relationships, if he is to stay he will stay. For now your studies and career is more important. Make sure you share the same goals and dreams in life as that is very important for the future. Love will be there but these things make more sense. 

Dear Malvika,
I am 23-year-old girl currently pursuing my master’s degree program. I am in my second year of my study. Recently my first year result got published and I unexpectedly failed the exam.

Due to the unexpected result I'm very much disturbed and getting depressed. I only gather negative feelings, have lost my confidence and peace of mind. I can’t see any other option to come out of all this. Please give me some suggestion.

This is not the end of life. There will be are exam and all is not lost. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that no matter what happens in life, I will overcome it. I know that this disappointment is hurting you and you feel really bad.

But what is the point of crying over spilt milk? No point right? So tell yourself that by 2018 you will pass with flying colors on both your year and that you will be a highly successful person in life.

That one setback should not change your future and affect you. I remember in college I got a D in psychology, I was so upset for one semester. It’s not a fail but yet I was so determined that I did a retest again and got better marks than the previous time.

This is also a life lesson for you to be able handle future disappointments. You need to tell yourself that it’s okay, you are fully well and you can handle anything that comes your way. I look at people who can’t see, can’t walk , can’t hear, who have been bed ridden for years and I tell myself, I can see, walk , hear and am physically well so I can handle things. It’s all about looking at the glass with water if it’s half empty or half full. Good luck!

Dear Malvika,
I am a 20-year-old girl studying in Bachelor’s second year. I am getting married next month though I don’t think I am prepared to spend my life with someone this earlier.

When I first heard about the marriage proposal I denied it but I could not deny more when my elderly and old grandfather requested me to get married. I feel nothing not any excitement not any sadness. I am burdened to follow my responsibility yet I don’t feel happy to do so. I am more in a way emotionally blackmailed to marry this person and I don’t know what I should do. Please guide me forward.

Oh wow. Now this is something that you already have the answer to. I hope that you have met the guy and talked to him. You should if you haven’t yet. Marriage is hard.

It’s not easy as the society depicts it to us. It takes a lot of effort and love to put it together for years and years. It’s not like the old days where women were financially dependent on their husband and they had no choice but to suck it up and marry someone they didn’t want to. Now we have choices, we earn, we can look after ourselves. You are just 20. That is too young.

You are not even physically and mentally prepared to take that responsibility, as once we get married in Nepali society we marry the whole family not just the man. So listen to your heart and do what you know is right.

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