Anisha Joshi

Published On: November 18, 2018 11:40 AM NPT By: Anisha Joshi

That suicidal feeling

That suicidal feeling

“This is soon going to be over”, thought Maya. She gravely looked at a dozen sleeping pills in her hand. There is no one athome today and no one to prevent her from doing it; unlike the last time, when she tried to jump off the balcony. She prospects of being eternally free, but her hand tembles violently.

If you were a person who knows Maya, you’d say she’s lost her mind. “What hasn’t she got in her life?” you’d ask. Born to a rich family, she gets everything she sets her eye on. Being the only child, her mom and dad love her endlessly. She goes to the best school in the town. Her friends treat her like a princess and she’s got quite a number of boys who follow her almost everywhere. For every normal 18 years old, her life is one of a kind they dream of, but for her, it is not worth living at all.

She’s barely done anything out of her own mind. She lives life on her father’s term doing her best to maintain their family’s reputation. She goes to one of the best schools in town not because she is exceptional in her studies, but because her father is a shareholder of the school management. She is forced to call certain people friends not because she considers them friends but because they are the sons and daughters of her father’s friends. She is not allowed to eat panipuri from a panipuri stall at the corner of the street she lives in. She’s not allowed to walk to school with her friends. 

Once she had daringly asked her father about why he puts those terms and conditions on her life. Her father gravely replied,”Chhori! Your baba doesn’t want you to go through things I went through when I was of your age. Your baba wants to give you the best possible life. And you’ll talk about these things: neither in front of me nor in front of your mother again. You have everything to be happy about.” After that day, Maya has not talked to a soul about the matter. But for her, two things are obvious: she wasn’t living the best possible life and she wasn’t happy at all. She hated the materialistic happiness.

Maya decides not to write any suicide notes. She wants to make it seem a natural death so that her death wouldn’t come as a treacherous storm to her family. She wants to leave this world with ease. And now, here she is, with a few dozens of red and white pills in her hands, trembling uncontrollably.

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