Published On: September 13, 2017 11:26 AM NPT

Love is not enough to bind people together

Love is not enough to bind people together

Dear Malvika,
I am a 26-year-old mom to my 10 months old baby. I have been married for five years, but I’m unhappy with my marriage. My husband does not care about my opinion, is always grumpy and never makes time for me or our baby. He keeps his friends in priority and can't say no to them. When he's at home, he's always on his phone playing games or chatting. I feel trapped as I can't say him anything because it will lead to unnecessary arguments. I feel depressed and lonely, but he doesn’t care at all. Even small problems upset him and he acts crazy. Sometimes I feel he doesn't have any feelings except getting angry. I feel like I should file for divorce but I am worried about my parents and don’t want to trouble them at this age. It was my decision to marry him although my mom was against it after she heard about his bad behaviors. I have two younger siblings and don't want to ruin their future. Moreover, his parents are very influential people and if I do anything against their reputation, they will use everything in their power against me and my family. I don’t know if this relationship would work or if I am the one to be blamed. I also don't know anything about the process for divorce. I'm worried about my baby. Please guide me on what I should do.

First of all I am sending you lots of love and strength to overcome this situation. Marriage and relationships are two different ball games. Our society romanticizes marriage so much that the first relationship we are serious in, we feel like we need to marry that person. You see everyone is different in terms of behavior and nature. And when two different people start living together as a family there is always bound to be issues. In your context as a new parent, your husband should be loving, affectionate and give you and the baby time. Once the first baby comes in to the lives of the couple, both the parents need to change certain aspects of their lifestyle. Otherwise it leads to an unhappy family. As is the case as yours, you as a new mother and wife have certain expectations from him and he is not being able to cope with that. You are not wrong here to have those expectations. If he couldn’t give these affections to you and was not a family man, he shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Now that he has a child in his life he should man up and face his responsibilities. I can see that there is no one to talk to him about it or he doesn’t care at all. Now the first thing to do here is to have someone intervene in this relationship and make him realize. Second please do try couples counselling. That will definitely help the two of you. If later you feel that it’s still not working out then firstly, consult a lawyer for divorce and confide in your friends and family as during this time their support is very important. I know the next question might be very personal, but are the two of you having sex? Because after the baby the physical relationship between a husband and wife changes so physical intimacy is very important to revive the relationship. This is something that our society doesn’t talk about but as 21st century women we need to take control of our lives and marriage. And never ever feel bad about expecting from your husband, he is the one who should be showering you with love and affection and making you feel like a queen at the moment. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 22-year-old girl and I often suffer from seizures due to epilepsy. Although I tried various medications by many doctors, they have been of no use. I have started to stay indoors and confined myself
with my home. I know that I should stay strong in all situations but it upsets when I notice that people fear to come closer to me thinking my disease is contagious or they treat me like a sickly person. I try to aware about the disease, but they don’t understand. This makes me feel discarded. I try to boost myself by watching motivational videos, but still an unpleasant feeling stays behind. Please suggest me on what should I do.

I am not a doctor or a specialist so I cannot advise you medically. After this email I went online and did some research on epilepsy. I watched stories of people with epilepsy; how it affected their lives and how they deal with everyday issues. I am sure you have done the same. There is lack of awareness and knowledge amongst people in Nepal and that is why people are the way they are. I would want you to be that voice. Why don’t you start a blog when you talk about epilepsy, its causes, what are the symptoms and how can people help when someone has a seizure? I would love to help you out with sharing your stories, if you send them to me. We are the generation who shall make it easier for others to come out and this is the right time to do so. Schools and colleges should be made aware too so that they can advise students on how to help their friends. Parents should talk about it freely and suggest others on what to do. I am sure there are other young people who have the same issue and once you start your blogs, it will help them out too. And you can form a support group where in you can help each other. Someone has to start somewhere and make people aware and I want it to be you. Will you do this? For yourself and for others. Because epilepsy can happen to anyone anytime. I know that life will not be easy and there will be many moments where you will be frustrated and probably cry a lot.  

Dear Malvika,
I am a 26-year-old girl and had been in a relationship since last two years. Recently, we ended the relationship and I’ve been feeling a little empty ever since. For the two years that we were together, I never felt love for him. But now that we are not together, I miss his presence and I sometimes wish if we could have our time back. Now, I am confused
weather I love him or not. He is a really kind and warm person and used to care a lot about me. But it was always clear that we had different plans for ourselves and as we belong to different castes, our future seemed difficult. At times I miss him and feel lonely but on the other hand I know the relationship won’t last long even if we resolve it this time. I feel confused on what should I do. Kindly suggest me.

If you feel that the relationship will not last then it’s time to move on. Love is just not enough to bind people together. And plus you already have various excuses as to why this relationship won’t work. When you have confidence in a relationship it will work no matter what. When you don’t, you will always focus on the reasons as to why it won’t, and you are already doing it. It’s not easy to get over long relationships. But if the foundation of the relationship is not strong then love won’t keep it alive especially when it turns into marriage. The couple has to share similar visions and goals in life for the marriage to work. This might be difficult for you right now but with time everything will be alright. You were with him for two years and you are saying that you were not in love. The distance and the ‘what ifs’ are confusing you right now. So, take your time and disconnect yourself from this person. We all have that one person in our life with whom we feel perhaps that might have worked, but deep down we know it wouldn’t. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 22-year-old boy currently living in Kathmandu. I am originally from western Nepal but have been living here to get my bachelor’s degree. Since a year, I am dating a girl who also happens to be a distant relative. We could get married but our families are against the relation since our financial
statures are different. Due to our relationship, both our families have numerous arguments. I was recently diagnosed with depression and am on medication. Yet at times, I feel suffocated about the whole situation. Could you please suggest me on my way forward?

Love, you should focus on your mental health at the moment rather than your relationship. If as a person you are not well mentally then it will hamper you all the more. You are just 22 and this is the time to focus on studies and career. Relationships will be a part of your life but there are other more important things. Kathmandu is an expensive city and you have a long way to go. Once you are independent and working then you can take the decision of marriage on your own. So I would like to suggest you that you take care of yourself first and take it easy. Things will sort out for sure. Do not rush yourself and be in any kind of stress. As depression is something that needs to be taken care of very seriously, I hope your partner understands that very well too. 

love, is, not, enough, bind, people, together,

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