Published On: October 25, 2017 05:11 PM NPT

Let bygones be bygones

Let bygones be bygones

Dear Malvika,
I am a 26-year-old married girl. I feel stressed when my in-laws insist that I should have a baby. I have no plans on having a baby as of now because I don’t think I am ready. I am currently preparing for the Public Service Commission exam. I am a BSc graduate in Agriculture and my husband always encourages me to do what I want. But my in laws say that people would criticize us for not having babies. So I feel stressed. Should I have baby for the sake of society? Moreover, I don’t want those stretch marks, labor pain and those entire burdens associated with pregnancy. Can’t we two be happy as a couple? Is it mandatory to have baby? I have been told our children would take care of us when we grow old. But I don’t believe that will happen in today’s modern world. So, please suggest me on how should I manage the stress. 

The law gives us the rights to sexual and reproductive health. That means no one can force a woman into having children. It is up to the woman when and how she wants it as long as she is of age and sound health. Healthwise, it is suggested to have the first child by 30. Globally 35 plus moms are put under “older” category considering their age. Internationally and even in Nepal many women are opting to have their first child in their 30’s. For the women of today who are focused on their career 20’s is all about exploring, working and learning. And you are not alone. As I write to you, my 18 months old son is hovering around and trying to play with my laptop’s keyboard, basically not letting me work. I never had plans for a child and thought maybe when I am 40. Later I changed my mind and decided to get pregnant around 34. Everyone has opinions about children and so do you. You should stick to what your decision is because at the end of the day you need to be mentally and physically ready for children. Most women suffer from Post-Partum Depression as they are forced into having children and they were never mentally prepared for it. And even if one is, it is not easy to raise a child, and balance work at that. So it has to be your decision first along with your husbands as this has to be a combined effort before and after. Just be straight with them that this is not your priority and not to give you stress regarding these issues. Why mince words when it is causing you so much stress. After a while they will give up saying anything to you. And who knows you might change your mind later. 

Dear Malvika,
I am 29-year-old girl living in Kathmandu. I have been talking to this guy who was introduced to me as part of an arranged marriage. He seems to be a really nice guy and I like spending time with him. But, the only thing that is bothering me is his height, he is only 5ft 3in and I am 5 ft 2in and he is also getting bald. I know looks won't last forever and inner beauty is more important. But, these feelings are giving me negative thoughts about him. Previously, I talked to another guy who had a good height, but not a good heart. So, I try to tell myself look isn't everything, but these feelings are making me not like him as much as I would love to. Also, I think about what others might comment on my choice. Apart from that he is a nice guy who really cares about me. I do not want to make him feel low saying these things. As of now we are just trying to know each other and are yet to decide about marriage. Please suggest me your wise words. 

No matter how much you are telling yourself that looks do not matter, it seems that in the corner of your heart, it does matter to you. Since you are not in love, looks will be a part of the problem.  When one is in love these things do not matter to people. Here is the thing, if you feel that this guy is for you then there are various remedies to physical aspect. One, hair transplant are very popular these days and many Nepali men are opting for it. So there goes your issue of being bald. The sooner he does it, the better. As for the height, most men wear bigger sole shoes or also put double soles in their shoes to look a bit taller so maybe that can be another problem solver. Now what if, after all these things you will still find issues with them, then what? It’s better to be open about such things and request the same of him rather than keeping it with you. Later it will create problems for you, and you will start nagging him about it. And that will affect your relationship more. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 28-year-old guy and I got married just few months ago. Life had been going on its regular pace and I was focused to my work and career to attain a bright future but recently I feel I am losing my focus, the reason being my ex-girlfriend. We had been in a relationship for almost five years and had to break up since she thought our families would not accept us as we belong to different castes. Time slowly passed, I tried getting over her and I finally married a girl as arranged by my family. But in the recent days my ex-girlfriend has been calling me up and wanting to talk and meet. We had a really warm bond but time has passed and I am a married man now. I don’t want this issue to go on and sabotage my marriage or to hurt my wife. Due to the recent calls I’ve been getting from her, I have not been able to focus well on work and on my personal life. I need your suggestion if we should still be friends or if I should disclose this thing to my wife? Please help me. 

Oh no. Firstly it’s super bad idea for your ex to start calling you after you are married. Secondly, you are exchanging calls and reminiscing about your past which will affect your present and future. Let bygones be bygones. Do not meddle with the ex now that you have made up your mind and moved on with someone else. It seems like there are many hidden feelings unattended between the two of you and got you to get into it now will just create problems. Remember the time when you decided to marry someone else. And I am sure you seemed happy at that time. So keep that in mind, no being friends with an ex with whom you have issues to solve. Just tell her to stop being in touch and that it is not right for you to do so. And that she needs to move on as well. If your wife is an understanding person then sure you can be open about it. And even if you do she might have issues with you being in touch with her at the present moment. Would you be okay if your wife was doing the same thing? It is the question you need to ask yourself.  You can be friends with an ex only after you have no sexual or romantic feelings left for that person. But if you still do, then it’s a big no. 

Dear Malvika, 
I am 23-year-old married guy currently living in the UAE. I came here few years ago when I had only completed my high school. I am currently employed in a farm and I feel weary and tired every day after work. The pay is not so good either and I feel suffocated being here. I had given thoughts regarding going back to Nepal but without much saving and financial back up, it isn’t any beneficial going back. I am willing to struggle to earn a better life for me and my family but I don’t see a future working here as a labor. What do you suggest as someone who is established in her career? Please give me some suggestions. 

The kind of work that you do must be really hard physically. I am sorry but if the pay is not good, then coming back to Nepal would have been a better choice. You can always do two works at the same time and earn good money. There are so much of labor issues in Nepal where it’s hard to find good men to work. See if you can switch your job, into something else. But if it’s too difficult then I would suggest you to come back and work here. In my experience, people should do what they like and what they are interested in. Maybe you can take up a loan and use that experience here and have your own farm here in Nepal. 

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let, bygones, bygones,

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