Published On: November 15, 2017 08:32 AM NPT

Heart to heart with Malvika

Heart to heart with Malvika

Dear Malvika,
I am a 28-year-old woman married for four years now. I had married my high school sweetheart and we’ve been together for 11 years now. We have been living abroad for seven years and recently came to Nepal for a vacation. After returning back, I found out through my husband’s phone that he’d called his ex from Kathmandu and asked her to meet him in Pokhara. I also found out that they had been in touch regularly after their breakup. I also found that he has been chatting and talking with her on a daily basis behind my back. He deletes the messages and hangs up the phone as soon as I enter the room. We’ve had frequent arguments regarding this. When I confronted him, he said he was not happy in a foreign land and found it comfortable to share his feelings with his ex. He never mentioned about his ex when we were in a relationship before marriage. As a wife, I am hurt and I feel cheated. It’s also very painful to hear that he doesn’t feel comfortable in sharing his feelings with me. I don’t want to live with him anymore, but he says we can work things out. I don’t think I will be able to trust him anymore. What should I do in this situation or is it that I am being a possessive wife?

Having known each other for quite some time, both the partners forget the essence of their relationship and love, and it starts becoming more like a joint partnership which is legal with marriage. And this has happened to both of you as well. Firstly your husband should have been open about his ex as well as about being friends with her. It’s easier at times to open up with an ex especially when you are at an unhappy stage in life. The bottom line here is that he is unhappy whether he is talking to his ex or not. Not necessarily with you. There is always a debate worldwide as to whether you can stay platonic friends with the ex and the debate continues. I would suggest that the two of you go for couple’s therapy. There are things which can be communicated in the presence of a third person which cannot be done otherwise. It’s still not the end of your relationship, and it can be mended but it will take some time. And if your husband is willing to work it out, why not?

Dear Malvika,
I have been staying in Hong Kong with my husband since 10 years. Our parents are in Nepal and in the UK. We work at the same place where both of us work for night shift. Everything was going smooth in our life and we were happy until recently when he started coming home late and drunk. I am two months pregnant after my last miscarriage. Since I feel unwell, I have not been able to go to work for three weeks. I have no one else to take care of me except my husband, but he has been coming home late since the past few days. He doesn’t even answer my calls. This hurts me. When I talked to him about this, he said he needed to give his friends some time as well. Though I try and understand his time with his friends, but the binge drinking is totally uncalled for, and that too at this point of time when I need him the most. Please give me some suggestions on how to end this all.

As a former pregnant woman, I can understand how vulnerable you feel right now.This is the time when we need attention from our husband and family members. Also we feel very sensitive on most things. At the same time I don’t understand why your husband is not prioritizing you at the moment. Knowing that it’s just the two of you he should give you time. Rather than making a big deal about it, I would suggest that you ease into the conversation. Talk to his friends and also make them understand your situation at the moment. Take help of friends and if there are other family members around. What is there is an incident and he does not pick up the call. I am deeply concerned by this behavior and you need to have a family meeting about this behavior. He needs to know his responsibility and the sooner he realizes it the better outcome it will bear for both of you.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 20-year-girl currently working and studying in college. I’ve had several arguments with my father when I was a teenager. I thought the arguments were a result of my teenage rebellion. But as I grow older, the arguments and the fights are becoming increasingly intense, to the point that I don’t even like going home just to avoid the fight. My family does nothing to stop him from verbally abusing me. I don’t like it at all and I want all this to stop. What should I do?  

Just ignore is all I have to say. If these discussions are bothering you and if you don’t see eye to eye then it is better to not speak at all. I know that this is not a long term solution but if the family members are not doing anything about it then this is the only way to go. Not every child sees eye to eye with their parents. But that also does not mean that you have to argue over everything. Next time if such a situation arises control yourself and let it slide. If he does not agree with you at any point then it is no point arguing with such people. You will only depress yourself by doing so. With time though it will be better, that is when he regards you as an adult not as a child. 
Dear Malvika,

I am a 25-year-old guy currently in a relationship with a girl of my age. We have been seeing each other for six months now. The problem is that she has been getting close to one of my friends these days and I find it displeasing. I talked to her about this but all she says is that she only admires him as a friend. I don’t know if it is my insecurity haunting me time and again, but I have never seen such bonding between them and have not seen them getting this closer before. I don’t know how I should take it. Please help me with your suggestion.

You are definitely insecure at the moment. Everyone wants their partner to be the only one that they are close to. It’s a natural feeling. But you also have to be able to accept that they can and will be close to other people, it can also be your friends. So give your space and understand this relationship. You should learn how to trust your friend and your girlfriend. If you have a close relationship with that friend then I am sure nothing will happen. Of course there should be aline to that relationship, and I hope they know where to draw it. 

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