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Published On: August 2, 2017 12:07 PM NPT By: Republica

Heart to Heart with Malvika

Heart to Heart with Malvika

Dear Malvika,
I am 29-year-old married woman living in Hong Kong and have a child. Being in relation for seven years, I got married to the man I love. After marriage we settled in Hong Kong and had the baby within a year. However, problems started when I came to know that he had lied to me on several occasions. For a year, we had no problem. I was working and my husband was new in Hong Kong. We had no savings and were struggling for our daily needs. After sometime, I came to know that he was sending money to Nepal without my knowledge, while he knew that I was taking care of the home and baby and my salary was not enough. This has created dispute between us and we fight every day as he does not bring single penny home. I cannot trust him and want to get divorced. But I feel sorry for his mother, who insists me to forgive him once. Now, I am penniless. I have borrowed money from most of my friends and I don’t know what to do. I cannot take this anymore and I feel like dying. I don’t know how to overcome this problem. 

Most of the times we get married with certain expectations. We expect our partners to remain the same as they were when we were in a relationship. Most of the times with marriage and baby, the relationship of a man and a woman changes. And I can see such is your case. You husband needs to be honest with you. Whatever he is going through he needs to tell you as it is. With a baby both of you have big responsibilities and Hong Kong is an expensive city. I would suggest that rather than fighting all the time, show him love and affection.

Try and find out what is bothering him. Men have different ways of handling situations and emotions. Some men run away, some don’t say anything at all and pretend everything is fine. Think about all the good times you have had. He has to be going through something for him to be this way. I would have suggested counseling but you have money crisis at the moment. So the best way to deal with it is to be loving and kind and coax him into telling you the truth. Be kind and have patience. We all got through tough times. So tough it out for a little while. Do extra work. Have some relative or reliable look after your child while you work. But also do not ever fight in front of your baby. Kids are very sensitive and they emulate what we do. So as a mother, wife and woman, I am sending you all the love and strength to endure this phase of your life. If after a while the situation remains the same then it is up to you. 

Dear Malvika,
I am 24-years-old. After seven years of being in a love relationship, I got married to the guy I loved and it’s been a year since. Although ours was a love marriage, now we always have fights on small issues. The main issue is that I have to take care of my mother and a younger brother as my father doesn’t take care of them. My family is reeling under financial crisis right now. He knew my family situation before we got married. Even after marriage, I want to help my mother but living in Kathmandu is expensive. All our salaries are spent on our own needs and I am not able to help my mother, who is also a patient of blood pressure and diabetes. She needs to take medicines every day. It’s hard for me to manage for everyone. So I decided to go abroad to work and earn enough for all. But he doesn’t allow me to go, and says I have to leave him if I went abroad. His parents are living in the village and he wants me to go to village and take care of them. Before marriage everyone in his family had said that I could live in Kathmandu and support my family. But now they force me every day to go to the village. He wants me to have a baby and live in the village along with his parents. But I can’t see my mother suffering like this. Please suggest me what I should do

I don’t understand why people expect to be changed after marriage. Did the two of you talk about your future before you got married? If there were certain decisions made then they also need to stick by what they said. Also even daughters have certain responsibilities to their parents and family not just with their husbands. I also do suggest that you do not make it a big deal but stick by what you believe in. No women should be forced into settling down or having babies. Women also have ambitions and a life. But please do make sure that you also have a balanced married life. So if you feel that going abroad shall ensure that you will be able to earn money then go for it. But still see if there are any chances you can stay in Nepal and be able to do so. This is a very tough decision. You are just 24 and you still have few years before you think of a child. Your husband cannot also ask too much from you and not give anything in return. Marriage is a two way process and gone are the days when women had to make all the sacrifice. Both of you have to come to an understanding. So be strong and try your best to make him understand. I mean you knew the guy for seven years before this. There has to be some connection and understanding between you two, right?

Dear Malvika,
I am a 23-year-old girl and recently completed my undergrad studies. I am a little heavier on weight and my body size has always bothered me. The overweight and facial hair has always lowered my confidence. Now I think I am unable to find a job owing to these issues. I have applied for job at numerous places, but none of them have called me. I had dreamt my life to be beautiful and independent, but it is not going the way I had thought. I feel like I am good for nothing and this frustration is getting over my head now. If this scenario continues, I am certain that I would go into depression. Every day, I feel I am worthless and can’t find a way over it. Please help me through this.

Have you had a health check up? If not then do check it up with a gynecologist. Overweight issues could be due to thyroid and facial hair could be due to cyst issues. If both these issues are not health related, then there are various measures that can be taken. First you need to love yourself. If your weight is the hindrance to your life then take control of it. Eat five times day but small meals. Work out, and have some kind of physical activity that keeps you going. Facial hair can be taken away by laser removal that is not a big deal at all. Follow bloggers and fashionistas who wear stylish and good clothes but who are voluptuous too. That will give you insights on dressing right for your body. The society today has become more about outer beauty and that can put girls in a very tough situation. I lost 28 kg since my pregnancy. If I can do it so can you. But you will need dedication to your meal intake, and physical activity. And be focused. Life is too short to be moping around and being depressed. Be happy with the smallest things in life, meet new people, explore and experience. You are in your 20’s and have a long way to go. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 22-year-old guy recently graduated from one of the reputed educational institutions. I am fond of photography, but my parents are not happy with it. Since there not many advanced courses in photography in Nepal, I have decided to take special courses abroad. However, my parents want me to study something that would secure my career and future in the long run. I cannot go against their willingness and find myself in a huge confusion on what to opt for. What do you suggest me to do further?

My family was never keen on me being in the media. 15 years down the line I think they are okay with it. Many a times I was asked to do something worthwhile. But this is what I love doing and I stuck by it. Parents love us and they feel they have our best interest at heart, we have to respect that. But you also need to follow your heart and prove yourself. If photography is what you really want then go for it. It will take some time but if you excel at what you do they will definitely be proud of you. There will be many challenges and ups and downs. Never give up. Learn a lot and keep practicing. You will definitely do well. Good luck!

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