This morning, numerous weeks after our break up, I dragged myself up from my bed to experience the first splash of water in a long time. My eyes had dried up. It felt like there was no tear left in it. I felt numb with sacks hanging down from my eyes. Excessive smoking also led my mouth to smells like an ashtray. 

Innumerable questions lurched. After a constant phase of anger, disappointment, and helplessness I decided to draw a conclusion through an aftermath. The aftermath of a relationship was almost impossible to trace back. Either it is too vague to remember, or too many images of nostalgia flash in front of you. I closed my eyes, and I was back to the last year’s summer. I was 18 and in love. 

I tried to sit back and analyze the entire relationship, but I gave up after an hour. My story was turning vague to me. Morning transitioned into day and day into night, yet I couldn’t clear the blur in my mind. Insomnia hit me hard and I stayed awake till 3. Still pondering for answers, in the quietness and loneliness I closed my eyes and then answer came within itself.

I sensed a fear of seeing our connection in a new light. Fear left us with a lingering aftertaste of doubt. And when doubt controls your relationship, you are no longer dating the person you like; you are dating a walking breathing paranoia. We were dating paranoia.

I read a fact on Facebook, it read: Heartbroken persons brain cells and brain cells of the person in the process of drug withdrawal are similar in structure.

After our short-lived eternity, I was confused. “What now? What next?” As pathetic as it may sound, I was saying that out loud. I realized I had given myself to a person so much so that I had turned miserable. You are bound to have these certain people around you all the time controlling the choices you make that your individuality. One morning I woke up to look myself in the mirror, asking myself, “Who am I?” 
After the break up I would numerously look for the flaws in me. You have a voice inside the brain that speaks of everything bad in you. There is a constant battle within your head where your mindset is transported back to your 13-year-old self.  

Everything came to full circle as I realized that the fear and self-doubt could be reasoned with the lack of self-love and individuality. Like many people, I became addicted to my relationship. I was trying to fill the void of self-love by receiving love from another person. But from this experience, I learned that love wasn’t a destination. Rather, it is like a living breathing human being who needs nurture and care. 

I don’t doubt our love anymore. I still think that our love was pure and sacred, something I was fortunate enough to be a part of. We just lagged the care required to complete love.