Everybody in my family tells me that I'm too competitive and a bad loser. They say that if I lose a bet or anything else, I tend to get very angry with the person and I also sulk for days. I know they're speaking the truth but I just can't help myself. Last year, I participated in a quiz contest in my college. It was supposed to be a fun thing but I couldn't relax and was soon very competitive. I was in a team of four and when we lost by four points, I was really angry with my team members. Now no one wants to team up with me for anything. I wish I could change my competitiveness but it's just that I know I'm capable of doing so much and I want to be on top. Is that really so bad? Please advise.
-Anonymous
In the words of Dalai Lama, it takes a lot of ego to want to be a Bodhisattva (the ones who vow to be enlightened and be reborn with the compassion to end other's suffering). Thus, I'm not sure that being competitive or having ego in itself is a bad thing. I think competitiveness/ego is an energy that is a driving force to action. People who are competitive are eager to prove themselves; they're willing to put in extra work and effort, willing to push their own limitations and drive others to do the same. When competitive people find the right kind of teacher/mentor, they can really drive themselves to learn new skills and acquire new knowledge.
But as your experience itself is telling you, the competitive energy sometimes go to an extreme where it begins to take a form of an obsession that hurts your own wellbeing and your relationships. People who are at the extreme of competitiveness are at the risk of severe emotional breakdowns and often take a very, very long time to recover. Our world is not perfect. We aren't in complete control of the outcomes of our effort. Sometimes you work hard and still lose because someone else worked harder or smarter. Sometimes you work hard and smarter and still lose because the world is unfair. Sometimes you lose because no matter how hard or smart you are, it simply isn't enough to win. The only thing you have control over is your own effort and not on the outcomes of your effort. So should you stop being competitive? I don't think so.
I think, people, without any drive to win or succeed, tend to be overtly laid back and may lack in effort and excellence in their work. The trick, therefore, is to find your balance. Don't give up on your competitiveness. It is like a fuel to your existence and being. Remember that all of us operate on different kind of fuels – envy, desire, or ego. But one must always bear in mind that fuels are extremely flammable; what drives us has the potential of just exploding and burning us up. Don't reject your true nature; just learn to use it skillfully to your benefit and the benefit of all. The day when you can transform your competitiveness into action and action towards compassion, when your competitiveness instead of serving yourself becomes about ending the injustices or serving the ones who are suffering, you can change the world in ways no one else can.
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Dear Swastika,
I'm good friends with two boys in my class. They help me with everything and are very good to me. Both of them have said they like me and they want to be my boyfriend. I like one guy a lot, too, but I don't know how I can tell him that without hurting my other friend. So I've kept quiet and told both of them that I like them only as friends. We still talk to each other and remain good friends but some people have been spreading rumors saying that I'm just dangling both the guys for fun. This is really hurtful. I feel awkward to talk to the boys about this and I wonder if they feel the same way—that I'm just dangling them. And the boy I like has started being friends with other girls and I'm starting to feel a little jealous. I'm so confused. I don't know whether I should tell him I like him or just stop talking to both of them.
-Puspa
In the words of Osho, "Sabse bada rog, kya kahenge log"—the biggest disease of this world is "What will people say?" I know this is easier said than done. We're extremely affected when people doubt our good intentions, when our actions and words are misinterpreted, when people accuse us for things that are hurting us deep within. So, constantly remind yourself that people will never understand, they will always misinterpret and that it doesn't matter what they think.
As for the boys, I think it is amazingly sweet of you to take into consideration that one of them might be hurt with your decision. When we're young, we often think that we can chose to not hurt people. We think that we can protect people from being hurt. We think that we can hurt ourselves to protect the other from being hurt. Unfortunately, world is much more complex. In reality, we get hurt and end up hurting others no matter what we do or don't do, say or don't say. Our intentions get misinterpreted and simple acts lead to complications. Life is an odd paradox. If you share your true feelings, one of them will be hurt. If you don't, few years later he's going to hate you for not letting him know sooner and accuse you of dangling him. There's also a chance that if you let him know of your true feelings, he'll move on with his life. There's a chance that everyone will be relieved. The three of you might not be the best of friends that you're right now, but trying to save it might cause more misery later on. There's a chance that your friendship will still remain strong and the other boy will find a girlfriend and the four of you will be best friends. Maybe this guy you aren't interested in will not be much affected at all.
What I mean is, we never really know how things are going to play out. We never know what good is going to come out of hiding your feelings. We never know who is going to hate us now and who is going to hate us after few years. When we don't know what's going to happen, all we can do is be honest about our feelings. As they say, "Truth shall set us free." What has to happen will happen. Those who are going to be hurt will be (unfortunately) hurt. The only thing we can do is be honest to ourselves and others at all times. Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is to be honest with them.
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Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
