Spanking gives a message to the children that violence is an effective way to get things done
Just the thought of spanking brings goose bumps but spanking is socially acceptable behavior in Nepal as a way to discipline children. I have come across parents requesting teachers to spank their children in the name of instilling good discipline. I have even heard of parents proudly announcing that there is nothing a good spanking won't cure. If so, we need to first define spanking.Well, a modified definition of 'spank' is "striking a child with an open hand on the buttocks or extremities with the intention of modifying behavior without causing physical injury." Then again, if you ask parents, they will all give you ten different answers, but the definition that experts and parents seem to agree upon, is hitting of some kind, without being abusive. While all these definitions are fine, the real question is: 'Is it ok to spank?'
I can see parents busy recollecting times their children have misbehaved, disobeyed or did not do their homework and say, 'Why not, if it gets the job done?' Well parents, if you think of spanking as merely a behavioral Band-Aid, why use it? Maybe I should reframe the question: 'Is it really, absolutely necessary to spank?'
Consider this: there is a chance your spanking will unlock a moral Pandora's Box. At the same time, you might have less troubling options at your disposal for addressing childish misbehavior, and also don't forget that your child is watching, waiting and learning from your decision. Under such circumstances, your answer should just be 'no'.
All you want is a self-disciplined child who is aware of your value system: the difference between right and wrong that will guide him/her throughout the life. In all this, have you ever considered what exactly the children learn from your spanking? Don't be surprised. It's not what you want them to learn. It is entirely possible they will learn something else from your spanking than what you really want them to learn.
Without you being aware, you are sending a message to your child that 'stronger' person gets to decide what's right, and that when they are as strong as you, they can decide what's right, and that older, bigger/stronger people have the right to beat up younger/ smaller/ weak people. It is entirely possible that they get the message that violence solves problems and is an effective way to get others to do things your way. Not just that, children might get other ideas too.
I am not trying to scare you, but think, could your spanking in some way contribute to elder abuse later in life? I am sure this is not the message you want your child to take away from your spanking. I don't want to put this in your mind, but just think, what might happen when your child grows up and becomes bigger and stronger than you.
I know, at this point some parents are not too happy with the way the implications are being projected. Some parents might even be thinking that I am exaggerating and that a simple hitting can't have such a big impact. Let me remind you, self-esteem is critically important and fragile in a child. Especially, if you want your child to succeed in life, the level of his/her self-esteem will be a major deciding factor. Constant spanking by the same people who are supposed to protect them might force the child to believe that something is dreadfully wrong with him/her, because not all children are subjected to spanking, either at school or at home.
It is possible that your spanking will shake the foundation of trust between you and your child that took such a long time to build. Spanking might even cause your child to question the whole idea of trust. They might get the message that you don't care and that you are okay with damaging them emotionally and cognitively and become so scared that parts of their brains shut down. As a result their academic performance suffers and your children lose respect for you. Spanking will also force your child to think that it's good to lie and manipulate to avoid spanking.
Next time you pick up a ruler remember that corporal punishment causes cognitive impairment and long-term developmental difficulties. Yes, I have put forth a worst case scenario and some parents are actually scared and confused.
Parents hate spanking their children, but they don't know what else to do and I feel spanking is the result of their desperation. They don't want their actions to teach and perpetuate more violence, the very thing our society is so concerned about. Research shows that children subjected to spanking are more prone to violence, have low self-esteem, depression and low academic performance. We do not have to spank our children in the name of discipline, to make them understand their mistakes.
Spanking was a vogue in the past. Just because it was effective in the past does not mean we need to continue with it now. If you were unfortunate to have gone through spanking as a child, remember what it did to you and how you felt about it then before spanking or after hitting your child. I know you are thinking, 'If not spanking then what else?'
Here are a few things you can do. To start with stay calm and don't take out your frustrations by spanking your child. Ask yourself, if the spanking is truly warranted because of the child's behavior, or if it's an excuse for you to have an adult temper tantrum. Check to see if the child is emulating your behavior.
Next time you have a confrontation with your child, don't lose! They will miss out on the opportunity to learn an important lesson if you cave in and let them get away with unacceptable behavior. You have to be kind but also use firm actions. It's always a good idea to give them choices and show them the logical consequences of their actions. Of course the best option is to withdraw from conflict. Just remember, spanking does not work but instead changes your child's behavior for the worse in the long run. I totally agree with Dr Marshall Rosenberg that "punishment is the root of violence on our planet." Don't you think so?
The author is an educationist and author of several children's books