A few years ago, I was single and ready to mingle. Most of my high school friends were happily married with kids. Now and then, we used to meet for high school reunions. Those who were married were asked to bring their spouses along. And those who were in a relationship were asked to bring their partners. And those who were single were asked to bring along their imaginary friends.
But the married guys never brought their spouses to the reunions. Those who had girlfriends followed the same formula. I guess this was done to make the single guys feel at ease. After all, it would be pretty depressing for a guy who has to come alone while everybody is there with their other half.
But the truth was that our married guys did not want their spouses to join them because they would, then, be under strict supervision. The married guys always drank the most during reunions. The single guys took one sip of their drinks every half an hour. They had all the time in the world while the married folks drank like the world was ending the next day.
The difference between the married, the in-relationship, and single folks was that the phones of married guys kept ringing every half an hour whereas those who had girlfriends kept checking their smartphones for messages every ten minutes, while the single guys just listened to the rants of the drunks.
The in-relationship guys checked their messages every ten minutes and then furiously typed their replies before the other guys could check what kind of texting was going on. But the eyes of the men are like those of eagles. The girlfriends would text their men with simple requests: Don't drink like a sailor, don't make a fool of yourself, and most importantly, do not flirt with another lady.
Our married friends received calls from their wives every half an hour. The wives said most of the stuff like the girlfriends would but then added a few more directives like, 'Better make sure you don't drink too much because when you throw up somewhere in the house later, I will have to clean it up before your parents find out.' It was the same stuff every half an hour. It didn't make a difference if one of the married guys showed up at the party at nine in the evening. The phone would ring in half an hour and the husband would have to be ready to answer within the first two rings and then tell his wife that he would be home in an hour.
The single guys still had a few hours before their phones kept ringing. The parents would call them only after 10 pm to make sure they were alive and well. They were advised to come home soon and not climb the wall but ring the bell so that the parents could come down and open the door. They were also kindly requested not to climb the wall then open the kitchen window and slip in like a burglar just because they came home after midnight.
Today, I'm married. I do not go out as much as I used to when I was single. I take my wife everywhere. I introduce her to my friends. It makes me feel good when we come home and my wife tells me that I look much younger than most of my pals. Well, most of them are going bald and have beer bellies. I will get there someday but I'm holding up pretty well for now. The only problem my wife has is that I have gray hair here and there.
I tell her to look at George Clooney. Gray hair is the 'it' thing in the West. My wife reminds me that this is the East and Salman Khan rules. I guess I will have to work on my abs soon to make my wife happy. I don't know what's wrong with women these days? I think we should boycott all Bollywood movies that have anyone flaunting their six or eight-pack abs. Yes, all married men should join hands and take to the streets to ban such films because it is making our lives miserable. We can't be eating 30 egg whites and gorging on chicken and other carbs and protein all day long and then spend eight hours in the gym. We can neither afford it nor have the patience to go through such extreme fitness regime.
My wife asks me to go the local barber every two weeks to keep my hair short. Yes, she doesn't like to see the gray hair. I like it but once you are married, it really doesn't matter what you like. If your wife likes it, then you will have to like it or suffer the silent treatment for a few days and subtle warning of taking a few days off from home and staying at their parents' home.
I go to the barber and there is always a big queue. When you don't need a haircut and you pass by the barbershop, the guy is busy reading the newspaper and there are no customers. But when you need a haircut, there will always be a dozen folks who show up a few seconds before you do.
I wait for an hour and sometimes two for my turn to get a haircut. My wife will have called me at least seven times wondering why it is taking so long. I tell her the truth but she doesn't believe me. I ask her to come to the barbershop and see for herself. She wants me to come home in ten minutes. I tell her that it will take at least twenty.
I go to the departmental store to buy stuff for home. The only person who can pop in and out of the store in less than five minutes with all the stuff needed would be the longest working employee in that store. But for most of us, it will take at least an hour to find all the stuff and get to the sales counter. My wife calls me after I'm done with all the shopping. Then she needs a few more stuff. I happily oblige because if I don't then I will have to listen to her rants later and then go back to the store and spend another half an hour to pay for the box of chocolates she really loves.
For single men, the most dreaded phone call is from their parents. For married men, it's from their wives. When the wife calls, you better pick up. If there is no network, then you can't blame it on the mobile carrier. The wife will blame you. So, if you really want to make your wife happy then glue your mobile phone on one hand. I think somebody in China should come up with a glove that you can fit your mobile into to resolve this global issue. Pick it up within three rings and you are safe. Fail to answer, better to get hit by an asteroid than face your wife's wrath.
kalumaila99@gmail.com