Dear Swastika,
I've been in relationship with my fiancé for about seven years, and we've recently been engaged. But of late, I've been talking to this guy who is like really, really interesting, and has all the qualities I'd imagined to be in my perfect partner. Not that I don't love my fiancé, but I don't like this feeling when I compare him with this guy and conclude that the latter is so much better. Maybe it's just a crush, but you know I recently cancelled meeting my fiancé with a lame excuse so I could stay home and talk to this guy online(I know him personally, too, though). Is this wrong? I feel guilty.
---Mailee
Very often, I just look intensely at my husband's face when he is asleep and I find myself at awe at how he has changed over the decade that I have known him. Every now and then I remind him that I love him. He wonders why it is important. I know that over the years, he has changed and I have changed and we are no longer the same people who fell in love with each other 10 years ago. To me, it is important that I love him today, just the way he is, and just the way I am. I believe in falling in love every single morning. I want to stay married to him not because we are bonded by what happened a decade ago but because I can wake up every single morning and realize that, despite everything, at the core of our existence, we still complete and complement each other. Otherwise, what's the point of staying married?
You've been in a relationship for several years now. So much has changed from the time you first fell in love with this person. Like most people, you perhaps thought that love was going to grow into gold, as it gets old. Maybe you forgot to keep falling in love every single day. If there is someone else in your life right now, it is not that this person is more interesting, but perhaps that you are losing interest in your fiancé. It perhaps means that over the years, you've grown apart and the love you share with your fiancé is just too stale to drive you towards the prospect of an exciting and fulfilling future together. The rule of this universe is that, everything that is in existence today will stop existing. All things die. Sometimes, love dies. But more tragic than love dying is people carrying the corpse of love on their back and dragging along in life. Maybe it is time to reflect on how your fiancé has changed over these years. Maybe it is time to look into your self and ask yourself how have you changed, how has your values and expectations from a relationship changed. Whether you love this new guy or if it is just an infatuation is the least of trouble here. The bigger question is about the guy you are going to commit to loving every single morning. Maybe it is time to look deeply into his eyes and see if you can still fall in love with him today; not just feel the nostalgia of love that happened seven years ago, but a fresh, alive, blooming love. If you can't love him today, then what's the point? Seriously, what's the point?
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Dear Swastika,
I'm 18 and recently said no to my boyfriend's request of having sex. My boyfriend is 18, too. He is mad at me. He thinks I don't trust him. My friends say it's not a big deal. Most of them have had the experience, and say it's just natural. But I am really scared. I think it's a big deal. It's a big commitment. I want to be sure that the person I'm sleeping with is the one I'll be waking up with for the rest of my life. My friends called me 'pakhe' when I told them this, and I thought about this for a long time. But I can't imagine having sex just for the sake of it, and that with more than one person. I know I sound like an old person, but I really can't fight this belief. Trust me, my parents have nothing to do with this. My mom often gives me hints of how I should take precautions while having sex and all that, because I guess she knows what's going on with people of my generation. But I want to wait for my man. I'm sorry but I'm not sure if I see a future with my current boyfriend. So how can I just sleep with him, right?
Dolly
Right? Wrong? I don't know. I am absolutely incapable of separating right from wrong. I am someone who believes in choices, personal values, and the voices of my heart. To me there are several shades and everything depends on the cause and conditions.
To me it sounds like you have a very strong conviction around becoming physically intimate. There could be several reasons to it – you aren't comfortable with this boyfriend of yours, or you have somehow developed deep fear around sex and physical intimacy, you're just not ready, or you aren't very comfortable and in full acceptance of your own body. If it is just about your reservations about your boyfriend, then perhaps all you need to do is wait for Mr Right.
Sometimes, trust has to come from our heart and from subtle core of our consciousness before we can go to such extents of intimacy. You can't just choose to trust someone because you've known each other for a while, because he gets mad, because friends ridicule you, or because your mental mathematics on him checks out. Right now, this value might be important for you as you navigate through relationships. This value could save you from regrets and bitterness. However, it is also important to check if you are going through some deeper emotional troubles around the ideas of sex – worried about being vulnerable, dominated, abused, ridiculed, or hurt. It is important to ask yourself why you believe that having sex with someone before marriage is a big deal? Ask yourself what you are afraid of. Be aware that sometimes our values cover and disguise our deeper fears and the need to heal us.
Right now, maybe he is not someone you want to be physically intimate with. But what if in future, you are with someone who churns out the best of you, who makes you feel alive, and with whom you feel complete bliss, and you are still afraid to physically express your love and be intimate? What if these fears come in between you, your true love and the possibilities of finding your true bliss? Sometimes, what we hold on to "too tightly" begins to suffocate us instead. Hold on all your values as you hold a sheet of napkin in between your thumb and forefinger. Hold it just enough so that if the fan blows in your direction, it doesn't blow the napkin away; that you will still have your values with you. But if you just hold your values tightly, crumbled up on your fist, it will make your life very rigid.
The nature of existence is that it flows like a river. Our rigidities sometimes don't allow us to free flow. We become so uptight that instead of flowing with the river and becoming like the river, we become rocks that the forces of river have to erode and break apart. Instead, you have the choice to become the sailor of your own boat; you can flow, blend with the wind to where you want to go, paddle around where you don't want to be and sail in the direction to find your happiness and your bliss. Be free from fears and skillfully navigate your values to find what your heart truly desires. Be happy.