Talk to me: You’re stronger than you know

Dear Swastika,

It looks like my father has been cheating the family. I recently found out that he is having an affair with another woman. It seems that they have sexual relationship. He doesn't know that I know about this. So I haven't talked about this with him. And I'm very scared to tell this to my mother, too. I think everything will change after I tell them. I'm 15 years old and I have my whole future ahead of me. So I know that everything will change after this and also my mother's condition will be worse. What should I do?Anna

Things fall apart. Life seems to be going on perfectly and then something happens and the world we know no longer exists. But every time we fall and get up, every time our world falls apart and we pull it together, we transform, we grow stronger and wiser.

I've met quite a few young people who had such amazing radiance on their faces that I mistook them as having no problems or care in the world. When I listened to their stories and discovered the tragedies, conflicts, violence, and abuse in life, I realized their radiance came for having fought hard in life. Anna, right now I can pretend to be this wise woman who can give you answers and fix things for you. But right now, I'm just in awe at how you've so far handled this situation, how you've refrained from acting impulsively, how you're weighing all options and taking your time to think about the best action.

Yes, you're 15, and you're stronger than you know. The paradox of your situation is that we don't know what your action or inaction might do. You might choose not to bring this up with either of your parents with the fear that your father may leave you all, but he may eventually leave anyway. You may bring this up and he may be forced to leave even though that was not his initial plan. Things could get worse, and things could get better. If you've played the card game called Solitaire, you would know that every now and then you have two perfectly viable options. You have a red heart card of five and you have a red diamond card of five and both would go perfectly well below your black spade card of six. You don't know what is underneath the heart or the diamond. At times like this, you just use your best instinct and take a leap of faith. Then, whatever unfolds, you keep moving the game forward, without looking back or regretting. Make a decision to tell or not tell. Make a decision to talk to your mother or talk to your father. Make that first move and life will unfold like the cards in solitaire. You will know what to do next.

No matter what happens, you remind yourself that you had to do what you had to do, based on the present situation, ambiguity of life and the limited information you had. I wish you courage, and if I ever happen to see you in life, I wish you I would see that radiance shine through you!

Dear Swastika,

Recently, there was a misunderstanding between me and my sister-in-law. As I study in a different place, it was not a problem for me but now that I have some work and I need to go home, I'm dreading the return. I used to be quite close to her but with the misunderstanding, everything is awkward. Even my brother is angry with me. Should I pretend it never happened? Or should I clear the air? Anyway, deep inside, I still feel mistreated. Please help.

Anonymous

At times of conflict, there are two things one can do – fight or flee. The kind of situation you're stuck in right now has only two choices for you. I've been there, so I know that the idea of fighting brings up the bitterness of your stomach acid all the way up to your chest. The mixed emotions of anger, guilt, fear and pride paralyze your ability to take a single step. Your tongue, unaccustomed to saying "sorry" or any other word that expresses the emotions you're feeling, starts to feel twisted. You can't decide what to say first – "sorry" or "it was your fault too". I know the discomfort of having such conversations. You feel your blood is poisoned and it starts to feel like it's burning your entire body as it flows from your toes to your head. Add to that, the acid that flows from your tummy to your chest makes you want to puke.

That's what fighting looks like. Fleeing, on the other hand, can feel like "huhhhhh" for a while as long as you don't have to ever face them. But every time you have to face them, or even think about having to face them, it smells like rotten fish. Your stomach churns out this feeling of disgust and escalates the original emotion of anger, guilt, fear and pride.

My advice is to fight it heads on because I'm guessing you don't like the smell of rotten fish much. Face her. Take some gifts back for her when you go home. Then take her to a café where you can treat her with her favorite flavor of ice cream and just say "I'm sorry". Just say the three words and the rest will follow. You know, to pour the wine out of the bottle, you just have to first open the cork and tilt the bottle. Then you don't have to worry at all – the wine will flow. It's the same with your conversation. You open the cork by saying sorry, you tilt by allowing the space for you and her to speak, and then one thing will follow after the other. When you're feeling the acid burn your entire body, your head and heart throbbing with anxiety, just remember, it's better than the rotten smell of fish stuck on your nose for the rest of your life. Remind yourself that after this conversation is over, there's a good chance that both of you will rediscover the beauty in your relationship all over again and begin to appreciate each other more than ever. This possibility is worth the fight.

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