Teens need to feel they belong to some place, especially at home to feel good. Otherwise they feel insecure and develop poor self-image 
 

You just celebrated your child’s thirteenth birthday. By the end of the fun filled day, you tell your child, ‘now you are a teenager’. Immediately you realize your comment has made your child self-conscious or confused. To them nothing has changed since yesterday. Your comment has had an impact on your child.  You never thought of that right? You should not have made a big deal out of becoming a teenager.  Now that you have done it, henceforth, every comment you make like ‘now you are on your way to becoming an adult, don’t behave like a child’ or ‘how come you are behaving like an adult you are only a child’ will only increase their confusion. With it they start becoming more and more conscious.  This is the beginning of a psychological problem that you created with your first comment.

The more you smile and have light banter, the more your child will start feeling something awful has happened to them.  This will result in their feeling left out.  They have no clue as to why entering ‘teenage’ is any different. They are scared and worried. Now is the time to undo the damage done. Step in and assure your children that there is nothing to worry about, and that they are not alone and that everyone goes through this in their lifetime. Explain to them why it is special to be a teenager and what goes on during those years termed as ‘teen’ by some and ‘adolescence’ by others. Gradually prepare your child to understand the changes they will go through during this period and that they will change in many ways.  

Acknowledge them 
I know some of you are saying, ‘change is natural’, we all changed, but we forgot the difficulties we had at the time. It is time to remember the past one more time.  Acknowledge that the first thing that will bother your child is the gradual change in their body.  They will start feeling that they are different.  That itself is cause enough to feel out of place, because they have no clue whether they are grown up or a kid. Combine with that the way you treat your child by calling them adult or a kid depending on your mood and confuse them even more. I remember my teen years as years filled with challenges. Still I had it a little easier because my parents did not make becoming a teenager a big deal so the psychological part was a little less. I was also trying my best to develop a sense of identity, a sense of belonging.  I know some of you are puzzled as to what exactly is ‘sense of belonging’. 

It is a sense of being accepted as a member of the family or part of their friends group.  To belong is a human need, just like the need for food and shelter. Feeling of belonging is the most important component in seeing value in life and in coping with intensely painful emotions. Teens need to feel they belong to some place, especially at home to feel good about who they are. If your teen is not well connected with home and does not have few close friends, s/he is bound to suffer from isolation, insecurity and poor self-image. 

Let them belong 
Although it might not always be apparent, a typical teen needs to feel a deep sense of belonging in his/her family. A teen’s sense of family is their foundation for belonging.  It is possible for the teen to spend more time with his/her friends than at home, but just knowing there is always a place of ultimate acceptance and love provides him/her the confidence to face the world ahead. Let’s face it, we have seen preteens or teens not well connected at home, looking for satisfaction in other places like drugs, alcohol, gang activity and sexual activity.  I don’t want to scare parents but this indeed is the reality.  

This is a time when teens face identity crisis and are confused about their sense of belonging.  We know everyone needs to belong somewhere and there is no better place than home.  I remember as a teen I embraced the change and decided not to be bothered by all the changes taking place. Of course my family supported me fully. Instead I concentrated on my studies and developed other hobbies to keep myself occupied. I always tried to be among friends. At the same time I tried to find my place within my family. That, I found, was the best option. 

Yes, every teen struggles to understand their position within their family.  It is quite common for adolescents to search for their identity, both within the family and outside.  It is natural for each child to look for their individuality in their search for identity. I still remember spending time reading books and understanding the traditions and our cultural background helped me a lot during those troubled years.  Following family traditions and religious ceremonies, understanding why they do them or what they stand for, made my life much easier.  In the process of developing a stronger sense of identity, I discovered healthy new social networks that comforted me, and at the same time gave me a sense of belonging that helped me figure out who I was.  As I recall, my teenage years were the highlight of my life even now. 

There are a few things that parents can do to bring their teens closer to home.  Try and not break the already present connection with the family by making unnecessary comments. Encourage your teens to spend more time at home, to eat meals together with the family. I am sure they will like having dinner out to a place of their choice with food they fancy. Involve them in family decision-making process that may be relevant to them. Choose activities that encourage communication so your teen will understand that his/her opinions are valued and respected. This will help strengthen the bond with the family and keep your teens from negative influences.

Develop positivity 
A teen’s identity is based much on the type of people they mix, and spend time with.  Naturally teens will choose friends and surrounding that reflect their interests, beliefs and an environment that is less threatening to them.  These groups could be anything from academic peer groups, religious and cultural community or the teen’s community. Positive groups help build healthy emotional and psychological development through a strong sense of belonging. Just remember one of the most powerful influences on young people today is based on their need to belong: to fit in and to be accepted by those they consider to be their peers and their family.

So the next time your teenager is struggling with the question ‘where do I fit in?’ help them think positive and make a point of not alienating them with careless comments and by leaving them alone to fend for themselves. Talk to them and try and find out their feelings. It helps if parents respect their children’s opinions by not cutting them down. Listening and empathizing helps reaffirm your teens’ sense of belonging while building their self-confidence. Simple actions like giving a ‘hug’ or a simple comment like ‘I know how you feel’ go a long way in strengthening your bond with your child. Try and keep some form of communication going between you and your child.  Celebrate their success.  Make them feel proud of their success. Assure them to not worry and be brave to face the world and be prepared to have lots of fun growing up in the twenty first century. At the same time make them feel confortable of the changes taking place within them. Now that is not too difficult, right parents? 
  
Pokharel is an educationist and author of several children’s books
usha@pokharel.net

 
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